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A Year In The Life - Fall - (157)
This was transcribed by Craig Best
[Man and woman arguing indistinctly in another room.]
LORELAI: Huh. [Sighs as she gets out her cell phone.]
LUKE: [On the phone] Hey, it's Luke. Leave a message.
LORELAI: Hey, it's me. I'm standing here in my lovely motel room in its various shades of orange, and brown and DNA samples. I figure as long as I don't break out the black light, I'll be fine. The ice machine is right next door. I've appointed myself ice monitor. Thank you. There will be a badge and a hat. I figure I'll hear people trying to get ice and I can interrogate them. What do they need the ice for? How much do they need? What shape's their bucket in? Basically, I've been alone for exactly 12 hours, and I'm already nuts. So, I thought I would check in and let you know I got here. Getting my pack ready, and How important is food on a hiking trip? Aren't all parts of the pine tree edible? I should get to bed. I'm hitting the trail really early in the morning. Hitting the trail. That's hiking lingo. So I'll keep you posted. [Hangs up]
[Lorelai looks around the room again.]
LORELAI: [sighs] Crap.
[A while later Lorelai has just finished packing.]
LORELAI: [Exhales deeply realizing she missed something.]
[Several scenes as she struggles to close her backpack again.]
LORELAI: [Trying to close her pack again.] No, no, no! No, no, no! I will not win!
[Takes a break and watches TV.]
LORELAI: Yes! Yeah! Yeah! [Moves the pack only to find something on the bed.] No! No! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! [Throws it out the door.] Hey, what do you need that ice for?
[Next morning, Lorelai is asleep on the floor, surrounded by her things. Man talking indistinctly on TV.]
LORELAI: [gasps] Feet. So many feet. [sighs as she gets up.] Shoot. [Tries to put things in her pack.] This would be great with calliope music playing.
[Some time later Lorelai exits the room, back pack on.]
LORELAI: No one's getting out of this one, boys. [Picks up something that fell from her pack.]
[Lorelai leans up against the door as she watches other ladies leaving their rooms. They all go to their cars.]
START OF THE TRAIL
TRACY: What's the holdup?
ALLIE: I don't know.
TRACY: I'm reapplying.
ALLIE: You just put that sunscreen on.
TRACY: Give me some.
WOMAN 1: I brought extra pair of boots to toss over the side.
WOMAN 2: Oh, just like Reese.
WOMAN 1: Just like Reese.
ALLIE: Book or movie?
LORELAI: I'm sorry?
ALLIE: Which one are you? Book or movie? They're movie.
LORELAI: Oh. Uh book. I am book.
ALLIE: We're book, too. You want sunscreen?
LORELAI: No, I'm good.
ALLIE: Are you just starting?
ALLIE: Me, too. So excited.
TRACY: I've been planning this for a year. Since my divorce.
ALLIE: Since my mother died. And my divorce. And what about you?
WOMAN 3: Book or movie?
WOMAN 3: Oh. [To some one else.] Excuse me. Book or movie?
WOMAN 3: Me, too!
LORELAI: Wow. What's she? Off-Broadway?
ALLIE: That's the thru-hiker. She's doing the entire Pacific Crest Trail. All 2,650 miles.
LORELAI: Holy hell.
TRACY: Takes over six months.
LORELAI: Of being dressed like this?
TRACY: Yep. I tried talking to her last night. She just looks right through you.
ALLIE: Somebody told me she's a crazy heiress who does nothing but hike.
TRACY: Someone told me she lost two toes during a freak snow storm.
BILL: Okay. Can I get the attention of the Wild ladies?
ALLIE: Movie or book?
BILL: It actually doesn't matter.
ALLIE: It matters to us.
BILL: There's a storm coming in tonight. So it's going to be rough conditions. Now, all of you have permits and nice big backpacks, so you are welcome to begin your hikes, but it will be a brutal first day. The visibility for boot-throwing will be very bad, so you may want to consider starting tomorrow. Now, for those of you who will not be dead within 20 minutes of exposure to the elements, have your storm gear ready and available to you. And good hiking!
WOMAN 3: It doesn't even matter now.
ALLIE: Think I'm going to wait.
TRACY: Me, too. You?
LORELAI: I guess. Although I'm kinda afraid this thing is like shoes. You take it off, you swell up, you can't get it back on again. [Lorelai walks over to Bill.] Uh, yo, books don't throw boots. Respect the book.
BILL: Shoelaces are untied.
LORELAI: Huh? [Looks down.] Oh, crap. [grunts as the pack almost falls off. She recovers.]
BILL: You'll do great out there.
[Lorelai breaths heavily as she picks up her cap and tries to make a dignified exit.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
RORY: Hey, guys, you don't need to lock every lock when you're in here. This isn't an Italian social club.
CHARLIE: Well, well Bernie wanted it locked at all times.
RORY: Well, Bernie's not here.
ESTHER: If you'd just let us arm ourselves.
RORY: No guns! Now, for the next issue, we're going to go with the poem.
CHARLIE: The Fall poem?
RORY: Yes. The Fall poem.
ESTHER: I told you people like the poem.
RORY: Yes. The poem is terrific. Okay, so.. As you were. [Rory starts using the old computer but gets a ‘Get Ready’ message on the screen.] Charlie? Did you accidentally fall asleep writing an e-mail again?
CHARLIE: Well, no, I... I had coffee this morning.
ESTHER: I'm filing. I was at the filing cabinet. You know what that entails.
RORY: Oh. Okay, but... [Rory is distracted as Kirks pig Petal oinks, running down the street. With a sign on its back ‘Kick up a Pumpus’.] Hey, did you guys see that?
CHARLIE: See what?
ESTHER: I'm just trying to file here.
RORY: There was a message on the pig.
CHARLIE: The pig?
ESTHER: Should I come over?
RORY: No. Never mind.
[The old computer beeps and the message disappears.]
JESS: Luke? Luke?
JESS: [sighs] Seriously, Luke! Luke, you back there?
[There is a noise and a cloud of floor.]
LUKE: Jeez. Ah. There's Uh, hi. There's flour. Caesar, the flour broke. Bag The flour bag broke. Jess, hey. Is it four o'clock? Yeah, it's four o'clock. It's four o'clock.
JESS: Lucy Ricardo stumbling out next?
LUKE: I broke a bag of flour. It moves.
JESS: Yes. Flour moves. Hey, what is going on out here?
JESS: Diner of the dead.
LUKE: Oh, yeah, some jackass asked me for the Wi-Fi password and a bigger jackass gave it to him.
JESS: You didn't give me that password for six months and I lived here.
LUKE: Well, you didn't catch my big Dumb-Ass Day.
CAESAR: Luke, pick up!
LUKE: Okay. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. [Luke walks off.]
JESS: Wrong way.
LUKE: I got it.
JESS: You okay?
LUKE: Yeah. I'm fine.
JESS: You sure?
LUKE: Yeah. Sure. [To Caesar] What is this?
CAESAR: One bagel split four ways.
LUKE: Oh, Jesus. God. I hate laptoppers.
JESS: Why don't you kick 'em out?
LUKE: Well I didn't have to kick 'em out. I had a perfect system. No password. And then they'd leave on their own. Now they sit around for hours catching old episodes of Doctor Who. I'll see you in an hour.
JESS: So we're off the hook for this thing tonight.
LUKE: What thing?
JESS: We were going to Liz and T. J. 's, to chase off the weirdo vegetable cult?
JESS: Turns out the vegetable cult thought Mom and T. J. were too weird and kicked them out.
LUKE: I see their point.
JESS: We could still grab some food later unless you're palnning a big fight the baking soda.
JESS: So, I'll come by around 8:00? [Starts to walk out.]
LUKE: Great. And then we'll go to Liz and T. J.'s after?
JESS: [Returns to the counter.] Luke, what's up?
LUKE: Nothing. No, I You know, I'm just a little tired. I just need some sleep. That's all.
JESS: Everything okay at home?
LUKE: Yes. Fine, fine. No. Yes, yes, fine. [Jess goes behind the counter.] What're you doing? Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey. I got work to do, man.
JESS: Come on. You're the owner. Take a break. There you go. Sit. So, you wanna talk about what's going on with you?
[They sit at a free table.]
LUKE: [chuckles] Nope.
LUKE: Lorelai's doing Wild.
JESS: Movie or book? [Luke gives his a look.] Very different experiences.
JESS: A purist. Go on.
LUKE: She's just, uh well, she's doing Wild. Out there. She got on a plane and flew off to California and bought some hiking boots.
JESS: Cute hiking boots?
LUKE: No, the real hiking boots that you can hike in. And this is after we You know, there's been some, uh... [sighs] Between us, it's been...
JESS: Communication problems?
JESS: Never experienced that myself. Maybe she wanted a vacation.
LUKE: Yeah, from me. From us.
JESS: No. No.
LUKE: Uh, she's been keeping things from me.
JESS: Guy things?
LUKE: No. Other things. Like, [deep breath] she's been she's been going to a therapist. Do not say, "It's about time. "
JESS: I did not say it. I thought it, but that's the way my mind works.
LUKE: Ah, we've been arguing, like sniping. And, we never sniped, you know. We never picked at each other in public and put each other down and made other people look at us like, "Oops, what's going on?"
JESS: I don't like you using the word "oops."
LUKE: I don't like me using the word “oops” either. I never used the word “oops” before. Now I'm a guy who snipes at his girl and uses the word "oops."
JESS: Well, when does she get back?
LUKE: Three weeks. It's the longest we've been apart since we got together.
JESS: You might be wrong.
LUKE: You think I'm wrong?
JESS: Hey, I'm just hearing headlines.
LUKE: Lorelai Gilmore decides to hike the Pacific Crest Trail to figure some things out. What's that sound like?
JESS: It sounds like she's leaving you.
LUKE: Yeah. [sighs and exhales] Yeah. I gotta get back to work. [sighs as he gets up.]
MAN 1: Can I get a coffee?
LUKE: Yeah. You want food with that maybe?
MAN 1: Nope, just the coffee.
JESS: That's it. [he walks to the back room.]
LUKE: Just the coffee. Just the coffee.
[The diner crowd all start complaining.]
JESS: Merry Christmas. [Tosses Luke the DSL modem]
MAN 2: Oh, man. Bogus.
WOMAN: When are we gonna get a Starbucks?
[Luke smiles as they all leave.]
LORELAI: Hmm. [Not liking the taste.] Oh, come on something about this trip has gotta be fun. Sticking sticking to the roof. [Drinks a soda]
[She sighs, gets up and goes outside with the ice bucket.]
[Lorelai hears the other women laughing and talking, decides to check it out.]
MOTEL CAR PARK
CHERYL: [Movie] Dear Paul, I woke up this morning and I wrote your name in the sand.
ALLIE: Hey. Come join us.
LORELAI: What's up, ladies?
TRACY: It just got so boring in that room. And there's nothing good to watch on TV. And the drapes smell funny.
ALLIE: And I'm afraid of my pack. I think it's gonna come to life in the middle of the night and kill me.
LORELAI: You should have paid more for the non-homicidal one. Plus it came with a mini flashlight.
TRACY: We're gonna be alone for weeks with no one to talk to, so we figured let's just get it all out now. Box wine?
TRACY: Trader Joe's. Three for ten bucks.
TRACY: I thought boxes would be lighter. You're not supposed to bring bottles.
ALLIE: What's your contraband?
ALLIE: What did you bring that you weren’t supposed to? I brought a mirror and four shades of nail polish.
BRENDA: I brought a ham.
LORELAI: Oh, um, well I brought the key to my storage closet, so if Michel needs a toner cartridge, he just gonna have to go to Staples.
BRENDA: I am so glad I'm doing this. I almost did Eat, Pray, Love, but my miles were blacked out. So, here I am.
ELLORY: The Lean Cuisines are ready. Come and get 'em.
BRENDA: I brought SnackWells and VitaTops for dessert.
LORELAI: Wow, you guys came prepared. Not for hiking, but prepared.
TRACY: So, what's your story?
LORELAI: Oh, no story. Just a punch line.
TRACY: Well, who are you? Where are you from?
LORELAI: My name is Lorelai Gilmore, and I am from a little town in Connecticut.
ELLORY: Are you married?
ALLIE: That's why she's here. I said you were divorced.
LORELAI: Oh, no, I'm not divorced. Well I am divorced, but not from the guy I'm currently with. We just... [inhales] We live together.
ALLIE: And he cheats.
TRACY: You cheat.
ALLIE: He's dumb, and he drinks, and he smells.
LORELAI: Man, I can really pick 'em.
LORELAI: No. He's a good guy.
BRENDA: Are your kids terrible?
ALLIE: We don't know if she has kids.
LORELAI: I have a daughter. She's amazing.
ALLIE: So, you're addicted to Vicodin.
ALLIE: I've heard it's the big housewife drug now.
TRACY: How would you even get heroin?
ALLIE: They sell it behind the Olive Garden down the street.
ELLORY: I'm going to make some French bread pizza. Any takers?
BRENDA: [sighs] God, I hope this hike works. I need a new life so badly.
ALLIE: Me, too. I can't imagine waking up like this anymore. I need some clarity. [takes deep breath] Insight.
TRACY: I've waited my whole life to have insight, you know?
LORELAI: Well, I always thought I had insight. [sighs] I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going, what I was doing and why I was doing it. I was so sure. But, lately, I don't know, things seem hazier. Plus, there's the clocks ticking, and the milestones looming and there's Luke. Suddenly, I feel like I'm standing still. Like the whole world is moving and I'm standing completely still. [sighs] Boy, we're gonna need another box.
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
MAN: [On unicycle] "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes."
BIRD: [talking] Rory. Rory. Get ready, Rory. Get ready, Rory.
RORY: What the... [confused]
[She gets to the Gazette, the front door is open.]
RORY: Hello? Is anyone here? Hello?
ESTHER: In omnia paratus. [holding a flash to light her face.]
ESTHER: Didn't I say that right? [looks at her note] Yep. That's it.
[Esther walks off as music starts, Rory looks out the office window. Three figure appear dressed in coats and hats, with monkey masks on.]
RORY: [Smiling] Well, I'll be damned. [She walks out side in to the middle of the street.] Are you gentlemen lost?
FINN: Gentlemen did you hear that?
ROBERT: I did and I'm offended.
FINN: Are we going to take that? Letting this girl call us gentlemen?
RORY: Take the masks off.
COLIN: My dear lady, you do not ask a man to drop his facade.
FINN: Not without a 20 in your hand, anyhow.
RORY: What on Earth are you guys doing here?
ROBERT: She speaks to us as if she knows us.
COLIN: As if she has intimate knowledge of us.
RORY: How was your knee surgery, Colin?
COLIN: [taking off the mask] Every single nurse was a man. When did that happen?
[Robert and Finn take off their masks and start walking in circles around Rory.]
ROBERT: So, let's have a look at you here. She seems pale.
RORY: I'm always pale.
FINN: She seems sadly dressed for the fields.
ROBERT: Or riding in boxcars.
COLIN: Or perhaps she's passing herself off as a boy.
FINN: Like Yentl.
COLIN: Tell me, girl, are you Yentl?
RORY: Well, it is Friday, so...
COLIN: Men, I believe we've arrived just in time.
RORY: Time for what?
FINN: "Time for what?" she asks.
ROBERT: Ah, the female sex. They do ask questions.
FINN: There was a meeting, my darling.
RORY: A meeting?
COLIN: A convocation.
ROBERT: An assemblage.
FINN: A conclave.
COLIN: A parley.
FINN: A hen party.
COLIN: There was scotch.
ROBERT: After discussing the minutes from the last meeting and the minutes we took in this meeting discussing the minutes from the last meeting
FINN: There was a lot of scotch.
COLIN: We voted.
LOGAN: [off to the side.] And we decided, that we had to come and take you out.
[Logan hands Rory a hat and coat as “With a Little Help from My Friends” playing. The five of them then proceed to run down the street. Recreating moments from the Beatles in true Life and Death Brigade style.]
[Now watching Kirks movie.]
KIRK: [In his Film] It's an omen. Petal, no!
FINN: A lost classic.
LOGAN: Another La Dolce Vita.
RORY: They're remaking it with Gosling.
COLIN: First Arthur, now this. They never learn.
ALL: [clashing glasses] Cheers!
COLIN: What time is it?
FINN: Time is but a relative concept.
LOGAN: Time to hit the road.
DRIVING DOWN A ROAD
[“With a Little Help from My Friends” continues playing.]
[They exit the car and run to a near by alley where Logan knocks of a door. A check window opens, the they are allowed to enter.]
[Its an under ground club with people dancing and a modern version on “With a Little Help from My Friends” is playing.]
LOGAN: Wanna try that?
RORY: [chuckles] Hell no.
[But she down anyway. Logan and Rory start dancing.]
[New scene in the club with different music.]
WOMAN: [crossing the floor] Cigars, cigarillos, e-cigs, vapes. Cigars, cigarillos, e-cigs, vapes. Cigars, cigarillos...
[Robert and Colin sit at a table with some ladies.]
ROBERT: Another bottle.
DORIS: My mother taught me to only drink very expensive champagne.
ROBERT: That's funny. Your mother taught me the same thing.
COLIN: Don't they ever play any other kind of music?
ROBERT: In a tango club? No. They tend to stay on message.
COLIN: It's extremely irritating.
DORIS: You need to learn to enjoy things more.
COLIN: Why's the waitress sitting?
ROBERT: This is not the waitress. This is my newly minted fiancé. What is your name again, sweetheart?
ROBERT: We can fix that.
COLIN: It's nice to meet you, Doris. [To Robert] Check your wallet before you leave. [Announcing] I'm bored. I think I'm going to buy the club.
FINN: [Taking Colin’s seat.] Martini, darling. Two olives. And for the love of God, hurry back.
ROBERT: Finn, isn't that a guy?
FINN: Only till next Tuesday.
[Close by at a private table. A waiter brings Rory and Logan some drinks.]
RORY: How's your foot?
LOGAN: I do not think it's broken.
RORY: Well, good.
LOGAN: You're still a terrible dancer.
LOGAN: But damn, you are a beauty.
RORY: Save the sweet talk, Huntzberger.
LOGAN: Well, you are.
RORY: I'm not going Dutch, so...
LOGAN: [chuckles] Rats. [Taking a drink.] Glad I came?
RORY: Why did you come?
LOGAN: Well, it was my turn to walk Finn.
LOGAN: I did not like the way we left things.
RORY: Yeah. Me neither.
LOGAN: I should've told you about Odette moving in.
RORY: Nope. That was not the agreement.
LOGAN: I know.
RORY: You owed me nothing.
LOGAN: Technically no, but...
RORY: No strings. When we're together, we're together. When we're not, we're not.
LOGAN: So, how are you?
RORY: Oh, well, I'm okay.
LOGAN: Did you fix things with Lorelai?
RORY: Not yet. I've been crashing at Lane's.
LOGAN: No word from her at all?
RORY: Nope. What time is it?
LOGAN: Why? You bored?
RORY: One thing I can honestly say, I've never been bored with you.
LOGAN: Yeah. We're good like that. I have something for you.
LOGAN: That is a key.
LOGAN: To my family's house in Maine. It's a great place. Private, on the water. It's completely empty. No one ever uses it. My dad only bought it because Martha Stewart wanted it. They had a business thing fall through. He was pissed.
RORY: [chuckles] Wow, your family life's different.
LOGAN: It's yours.
RORY: Um you're giving me a house?
LOGAN: It's yours to use. To write that book.
LOGAN: Go stay as long as you want. Just work.
LOGAN: There's a groundskeeper. He'll look after you. The cleaning lady comes twice a week. She'll cook for you. She'll shop for you.
RORY: I can't.
LOGAN: Yes, you can. You need to do this. Write this book. It's time. Please. Take the key.
[Rory takes the key.]
RORY: Are you really gonna marry Odette?
LOGAN: That's the dynastic plan.
COLIN: [in the distance] Out of the way. You two, scram. Ladies and gentlemen, I've purchased this fine establishment, and as owner, I've decided that the only music we'll play is this. [A songs starts] Yes! All Rosemary Clooney all the time. Try tangoing to that, huh? Money is great.
THE KING’S HEAD INN
FINN: Gentlemen, this is a raid. Send out your women, children, hounds and horses.
RORY: Finn! Shh.
FINN: I won't be shushed with horses and hounds at stake.
COLIN: God could this place be any more British? I bet they have Hugh Grant stuck in a closet.
RORY: I hope they have rooms. Is anyone working here?
COLIN: Oh, God, Princess Diana. Of course. Your Highness.
RORY: Maybe we should go someplace else. Hey, where are we?
RORY: New Hampshire.
LOGAN: New Hampshire?
RORY: How did we get to New Hampshire?
ROBERT: Turned right at Vermont. I'm starving.
RORY: I don't think they're open.
LOGAN: They're not. We bought the place out.
LOGAN: Every room. It's just us.
FINN: And all this lovely booze. [To a dear head mounted on the wall.] Hello, darling. What's your name?
RORY: You have officially thought of everything.
ROBERT: Except food. There's no food.
FINN: Hmm. Darling, where's the rest of you?
RORY: Stop taunting the heads, Finn.
ROBERT: I wonder if there's a kitchen.
LOGAN: Try the back.
ROBERT: You coming, Finn?
FINN: Right behind you.
COLIN: I know there's a picture of Mr. Bean around here somewhere.
LOGAN: So here.
RORY: Wow. More keys.
LOGAN: I didn't know where we stood. I got you a room.
RORY: Oh Well, where's your room?
LOGAN: Uh, right across from yours.
RORY: [Kissing Logan] Show me.
COLIN: Ha! Found it. I wonder how much this place costs.
LORELIE’S MOTEL ROOM
LORELAI: Okay. I got your call of the wild right here, pal. Yeah.
LORELAI: Hey, Brenda.
BRENDA: Hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Hey, Tracey.
TRACY: Hey, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Allie, thanks for the tape.
ALLIE: Oh, you're welcome.
[They all go to their cars.]
THE KING’S HEAD INN
LOGAN: Hey. How long have you been sitting there?
RORY: Just watching the sun come up.
LOGAN: Come back to bed.
RORY: How long before you have to get back?
LOGAN: Oh, I have time.
RORY: How long?
LOGAN: Long enough. [Rory looks at Logan.] I have a flight out at noon. Don't do the math.
RORY: Someone needs to.
LOGAN: Okay, so there's this great diner down the road. It's not your beloved Luke's, but it has an amazing breakfast.
RORY: It's really pretty here.
LOGAN: Well, I wanted it to be special.
RORY: It was. It was a perfect night.
LOGAN: Hey, Ace? Something going on in that head of yours?
RORY: Here. [Hands Logan the key]
LOGAN: No, no. I told you. It's yours. Use it to write.
RORY: I don't need it. I know where I'm going to write.
RORY: Breakfast sounds good.
RORY: Come on. [sniffles] We have to get you home.
THE KING’S HEAD INN
FINN: There they are. Breakfast martinis, children?
RORY: No, thank you Finn.
FINN: It can only help.
LOGAN: I'll have one.
RORY: What happened to you?
ROBERT: Ask him.
RORY: Did you hit Robert?
FINN: I have no idea.
ROBERT: He has a very good idea.
FINN: Actually, I do. Because my fist is showing signs of an altercation, but the memory of the actual assault is gone.
ROBERT: I said he was from New Zealand.
FINN: Only a man with no heart would say that to me.
COLIN: Did I buy a tango club last night and a 1983 Dodge Colt?
LOGAN: I did not know about the Colt.
COLIN: Damn. My fourth Colt this month.
FINN: Mother is judging us.
LOGAN: No, she's not.
RORY: Yes, she is. Let me see your eye. It looks fine.
ROBERT: Good. I'll take this medium rare.
RORY: You'll have to cook your own steak. [sighs] Well, boys, my car is almost here.
LOGAN: What? We have a car.
COLIN: Two actually, if the Colt runs.
RORY: No. I got my own car. I need to get back. I need to get started.
FINN: No, no, no. We had a whole morning planned. Uh no one's naked yet. You can't just rush off like this. Logan, tell her!
LOGAN: I don't think she's listening to me any more boys.
ROBERT: But when will we see you again?
RORY: I don't know.
FINN: Oh, this is it? This is goodbye? No.
ROBERT: We love you, Rory.
RORY: I love you all, too. [sighs] Oh, Robert, don't cry. Your eye will swell up terribly. Here take your steak.
ROBERT: Now I know I have a heart 'cause it's breaking.
[Rory kisses Robert on the cheek.]
RORY: Goodbye, Colin. I'm going to miss the way that you get drunk and randomly buy things you don't need, like clubs and cars.
COLIN: And bed and breakfasts? Oh, yeah.
RORY: Oh, Colin. [Kissing him on the cheek.] [whispering to Finn] I think I'll miss you most of all.
COLIN: Hey, we heard that.
ROBERT: Yeah. Thanks a lot.
FINN: Stay photogenic, I beg of you.
ROBERT: We'll meet you at the diner.
COLIN: Logan has the keys.
ROBERT: Well then, we'll walk.
FINN: Will we? How novel. So this is walking? I don't care for it actually.
LOGAN: Sure you don't want breakfast?
RORY: I'm sure.
LOGAN: I'd like to drive you back.
RORY: I know.
LOGAN: I dragged you out here
RORY: You didn't drag me. You took me on my own Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. How many girls can say that?
LOGAN: Didn't work though, did it?
RORY: Every ride has to end.
LOGAN: Okay. So [sighs] let's do this. [he kisses Rory tenderly] If you change your mind about the house, it's yours. No strings attached.
RORY: I think your days of rescuing me are over.
LOGAN: You never needed rescuing, Ace. You know that.
RORY: I do now.
[Logan puts the hat on Rory and stands back.]
LOGAN: Yeah, just like that.
START OF THE HIKE
TRACY: I heard she hasn't slept since Oregon.
ALLIE: Nobody's ever seen her eat.
BRENDA: Someone said she punched a bear.
CAROL: I eat. I sleep. My name's Carol. I'm a lawyer. I have two kids, both grown. I have all my toes. And I didn't punch a bear. It was a possum, and he had it coming.
[Carol gets her permit and walks to the ranger, who lets her by.]
PARK RANGER: [Different Ranger] Good morning, everybody. The weather is beautiful today. You should have no problem in that area. However, there is still a high probability that any outdoor activity motivated by watching a movie is probably going to end in some sort of hospitalization. Just putting that out there.
ALLIE: Oh, screw this guy. I am the book, damn it!
[Allie also gets her permit out and moves off.]
TRACY: You good on sunscreen?
LORELAI: I'm good.
TRACY: When this is over, I'm gonna be so thin! Allie, wait!
ALLIE: Cannot afford to slow down. Bye, Lorelai!
[The ladies all start to file past the ranger with their permits in hand.]
LORELAI: Bye, Tracey! Bye, Allie!
TRACY: Be sure to send me pictures of that crazy town of yours!
LORELAI: I'll do that! [To the Ranger] Hi there.
PARK RANGER: Uh just need your permit.
LORELAI: Oh. Hold, please. I thought I put it in my pocket. I usually well, I don't usually do any of this. I mean, who does? Unless you're on the lam. Which I am not. [chuckles] Oh, I have a permit. I showed it to your friend yesterday.
PARK RANGER: What friend?
LORELAI: The guy who was standing here dressed like you.
PARK RANGER: He's not my friend.
LORELAI: So he's just a rival ranger who stole your pants?
PARK RANGER: He did not steal my pants. He wore his own pants. Every ranger wears the same pants.
LORELAI: I'm sure you know him.
PARK RANGER: Nope.
LORELAI: Brown hair, disdainful voice? You must've seen him in the clubhouse.
PARK RANGER: We don't have a clubhouse.
LORELAI: You have a uniform, you should have a clubhouse.
PARK RANGER: Your permit?
LORELAI: Uh, is there a list? I'd be on it.
PARK RANGER: There is no list.
LORELAI: Well how do you keep track of everyone if there is no list?
PARK RANGER: We look at your permit.
LORELAI: Well, I have a permit. I showed it to your friend yesterday, and I can prove it. He stood here and gave a speech about how we were gonna die because of the weather. He said, "You all have permits, so you can go, but you shouldn't."
PARK RANGER: Good speech.
LORELAI: If I was there for the speech, then he saw my permit, because he said, "You all have permits," and I was part of "you all." That was me I'm the "all" in "you all."
PARK RANGER: Great.
LORELAI: So I can go?
PARK RANGER: As soon as I see your permit.
LORELAI: I have my permit, but it's not in my coat or my jeans. If it's not in my coat or jeans, there's a really good chance it's packed in there. And if it's in there, it is really packed in there. And the minute I open this thing up, it's like The Hurt Locker. No one survives.
PARK RANGER: I can't let you through without a permit.
LORELAI: [sighs] Come on. [gasps as she puts the pack on the ground] Oh, my God. [sighs as things fall out.] Look if I open this up, I'll never get it re-packed.
PARK RANGER: What were you gonna do on the trail?
LORELAI: Die. Right?
PARK RANGER: I don't know what to tell you.
LORELAI: How about "Go ahead"? [sighs] Look, what's your name?
PARK RANGER: Park Ranger.
LORELAI: All right, Park. I came all the way here from this tiny town in Connecticut just to walk out there and look at the wilderness, and stare at the beautiful trees, and bathe in the crystal clear lakes, and think super deep thoughts. And I know that a handsome, strapping man like you understands the deep, throbbing, primal need to connect with woodchucks and just imagine, underneath all this, I am really hot.
PARK RANGER: Ma'am, I'm a park ranger.
LORELAI: I don't know what that means.
PARK RANGER: That means no permit, no hiking.
LORELAI: Can I bribe you?
PARK RANGER: Sure.
LORELAI: My wallet's in the pack.
PARK RANGER: I will see you tomorrow.
LORELAI: [sighs] All right, well, see you tomorrow. [grunts] I got it. [panting] [the ranger points to the stuff on the ground] That's... You... you can have that.
ROAD SIDE CAFÉ
LORELAI: [sighs, the café is closed] Aw, come on. [tries the next door, closed also.] I hate nature.
[Dog barking in the distance.]
[Lorelai walks past the shops and down a path to find a view of the countryside. She gets out her cell phone.]
GILMORE MANSION – EMILY’S BEDROOM
LORELAI: I was 13 years old.
LORELAI: [tearful] It was my birthday. And Royston Sinclair III had broken my heart in front of everyone. I'd snuck into your closet that morning and took that green beaded top that was your mother's, that you kept so carefully wrapped up in tissue paper in your cedar closet. I was never supposed to touch it. But I stole it, and I wore it to school with my Chemin de Fer sailor jeans, and I thought no one was as stylish as I was. But Royston laughed. He said I was cheap. He said the only reason he'd been my boyfriend was because he was mad at Angie Morgan and he wasn't anymore. He called me loud and weird. He said there was a rumor going around that I wasn't actually a Gilmore. That I was the gardener's daughter and you'd bought me because you couldn't have children of your own. And I was crushed. And I ran out of class and I ran out of school, and I went to the mall. And I was sitting in the food court, wishing I had some money to buy a pretzel 'cause I was starving, and I looked up and there was Dad. Standing in front of me at the mall. He never came to the mall. That day, he went to the mall. And he was furious. "Why aren't you in school?" he asked. "Tell me right now, Lorelai. Why aren't you in school?" And I tried to think of something, some lie that would make sense, but I couldn't. All I could think was that yesterday I had a boyfriend who loved me and today I didn't. [sniffles] And I started to cry. I just sat there like an idiot, bawling. And finally after what seemed like forever, I managed to control myself a little bit, and I calmed down. And I waited. I waited for him to yell at me, to punish me, to ground me forever, to tell me how disappointed he was in me. And nothing came. And finally, [voice breaking] I got up enough courage to look up at him, and he was standing there with a pretzel. A giant pretzel covered with mustard. [sobs] And he handed it to me and he said, "Let's go. " And he took me to the movies. We saw Grease and An Unmarried Woman. Something for me and something for him, he said. He bought me popcorn and Red Hots, and we sat in the dark and we watched. And then he took me home, and he gave me his sweater to cover up the stolen top, and he told you that he'd picked me up from school and taken me to the club for a soda. And that was it. We never discussed it again. [sobbing] It was the best birthday I ever had. I just thought you should know.
EMILY: Thank you, Lorelai.
LORELAI: Bye, Mom.
[Line hangs up]
EMILY: [sighs, smiling and happy.]
LUKE AND LORELAI’S HOUSE
LUKE: It's no use you sitting there looking at me. You're not getting this until it cools down. It's stupid enough that I buy your own steak. It's even stupider that I cook it for you. I'm not gonna blow on it so you can get it sooner. That only works with Lorelai, so don't even... [Paul Anker paws at Luke’s leg. He caves and blows on the hot steak.] You tell anyone about this, and we are getting a cat.
[The back door opens.]
LUKE: Lorelai. What are you doing home?
LORELAI: Don't come near me.
LORELAI: Because I smell. Every part of me smells. I... I didn't even hike and I smell. I showered and I took the plane back home. I haven't been near a cactus in the last 24 hours. And apparently all you have to do is think about hiking and you smell.
LUKE: You didn't hike?
LORELAI: I tried but they wouldn't let me.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Because I forgot things, I taped dried stew to my pack Anyway, I didn't hike. But, see, I didn't actually go to hike. I mean, I went to hike, but I only wanted to figure something out. I figured it out without hiking, which was great, 'cause the thru-hiker looked like Christian Bale in The Machinist. She knew how to get all that crap in her pack.
LUKE: Lorelai, I...
LORELAI: I was getting coffee I should've known it would have something to do with coffee. Everything in my life has something to do with coffee. I believe, in a former life, I was coffee. But the place was closed. And I had to wait, and I walked around the back and there was this hill. And I don't know why, but I walked up the hill and there was this vista, and suddenly something became completely clear to me. [sighs] Luke
LUKE: Stop! I know what you're doing.
LORELAI: You do?
LUKE: You're getting ready to leave me, and I have to tell you it's a big mistake.
LORELAI: Wait, Luke...
LUKE: I've seen the signs, I’ve seen them coming for months.
LORELAI: What signs?
LUKE: Your bolting signs. You know, the distance, the therapy, then suddenly you know you’re gonna do Wild? Really? You're gonna go hiking alone, with nothing else involved? No music festival or Hello Kitty booth. Just you and nature.
LORELAI: I admit it sounded weird.
LUKE: I don't care what anybody says. Needing space is never a good thing. Ever. I needed space before. I needed space with Nicole and we got divorced. I mean that's what "needing space" means. It means, "I need space and the number of a good attorney."
LORELAI: Luke, just...
LUKE: We have been through too much here, you and me, okay? I mean I know things aren't perfect and there's been some issues alright. You've kept things from me and I've kept things from you. You wanted me to sleep with all those women.
LORELAI: We've got to clarify how this surrogate thing works.
LUKE: I am not unhappy, okay? I am not unsatisfied. You think I'm unhappy and unsatisfied, and I can't convince you that I am not! I mean [stammers] this right here is all I will ever need. I never thought that it would happen. That you and me that we, would happen. But we did. Listen, I know I am not the easiest guy in the world to build a life with and to share a house with, but there is no one who will be more here for you than me. I will never leave. I will never think about leaving. I will do whatever it takes to fix what's wrong. I'll go to your nutty therapist. I'll open up a franchise if that's who you want me to be, I'll run the kitchen at your inn. I'll give you back the entire closet. I only took that half because you insisted I do it. I just figured you would take it back eventually, anyhow.
LORELAI: I already started. I didn't know if you noticed.
LUKE: It started to look pink.
LORELAI: There were sparkles.
LUKE: It's yours. Take it.
LORELAI: I don't want it.
LUKE: Please take it.
LORELAI: I don't need it.
LUKE: Yes, you do! You need it. You need the space, and I need you. God damn it, Lorelai! We have been through so much. I mean, we have We've watched each other go from person to person. I mean, there was Rachel, and Max and Christopher! I had to watch you marry that guy! It was awful. But we we made it here. We made it through all of that. I mean, you can't leave. You just you just can't leave
LORELAI: Luke! [sighs] I think we should get married.
LUKE: [softly] What?
LORELAI: We've waited way too long.
LUKE: But I.. I thought...
LORELAI: I already picked a date. It's this month. It's on a Sunday because you close early Sunday, anyhow.
LUKE: Doesn't matter really. It's all set.
LUKE: It's set?
LORELAI: [chuckles] It's all set.
[Luke turns and walks to the other room.]
LORELAI: Exactly the reaction I was looking for. [Lorelai chuckles as he returns.]
LUKE: I should probably get a... a better one or a newer one.
LORELAI: Don't you dare.
LUKE: Just gotta tell ya before this thing goes on, you got to realize the only way out is in a body bag.
LORELAI: Now we don't have to write our vows.
SEASIDE HOUSE – MARTHA’S VINYARD
BERTA: [Speaking her language.]
JACK: Two limes as requested.
EMILY: Thank you, Jack.
JACK: [takes a deep breath] Em, listen, I've got some bad news.
EMILY: Lobster's fine.
JACK: I was talking about my news.
JACK: I have to go back to the city.
EMILY: Oh. Well, that is too bad. [They start walking towards the house.] Berta!
JACK: I feel terrible. I was gonna take you to the Whaling Museum.
EMILY: Well, next time. [to Berta] Mr. Smith is heading back to Hartford. Get his Mr. Smith is His bag.
BERTA: Ah, ah, ah.
EMILY: He's going bye-bye.
JACK: You should find people you can understand them.
EMILY: I'm working on it. [Both chuckle] Well, drive safely.
EMILY: Ah, thank you, Berta.
JACK: Oh, yes. Gracias, Berta.
EMILY: I'll call you later to check in, all right?
JACK: I wish my first three wives had been as understanding as you.
EMILY: Yes, that would've been helpful.
JACK: I'll miss you.
EMILY: Of course you will.
INSIDE THE HOUSE
NANTUCKET WHALING MUSEUM
TOUR GUIDE: The manufacturing of candles from the head matter of sperm whales began in America around 1748. Nantucketer Christopher Hussey killed the island's first sperm whale in 1712. From then on, sperm whales became the specialty of Nantucket whalers. Whales were very important to Nantucketers. In addition to oil for lamps, whales were used for food, the bones were used to make skirt hoops, umbrellas, furniture springs...
BOY 1: Is that a whale?
TOUR GUIDE: That is a whale, yes.
BOY 1: It's big.
TOUR GUIDE: It is big. Very big.
BOY 2: Is he dead?
TOUR GUIDE: I don't know. Now where was I?
EMILY: Umbrellas, furniture springs.
TOUR GUIDE: Oh, right. Umbrellas, furniture springs, buggy whips, toys, collar stays, springs in early typewriters, curtain pulls, dog collars, back scratchers, bicycle spokes, hairpins, toothpicks, flag poles.
EMILY: [hands free phone] Rory, it's your grandmother. I am so sorry to have missed your call. Yes, I am in Nantucket, and yes, the house is empty, and yes, it is all yours. Berta and the family are with me, but there are fresh sheets on the bed in the guest room, and there's some wonderful dishes in the freezer. I have no idea what they are or what's in them, but Berta made them and they are divine. Call if you need anything.
[Rory looks at the portrait of Richard. La-La music playing. She wanders in to the dinning room. Remembering a past Friday Night Dinner.]
EMILY: [echoing] ...we have with Lorelai and Rory? She knows what time we dine. Why are you eating so quickly?
LORELAI: [Day dream] We're not eating quickly.
RORY: [Day dream] Yeah you've been on the phone for a while, it probably just seems like we've eaten a lot.
[Phone rings. Rory walks to the kitchen.]
EMILY: [Day dream] Who could that be?
RICHARD: [Day dream] Emily.
EMILY: [Day dream] Aren't we popular? Richard, perhaps you could get that while I have another bath sheet versus bath towel debate with your mother.
[Rory makes her way to the kitchen, reading a note in chalk from Richard.]
RORY: [Day dream] I'm gonna make it.
EMILY: [Day dream] Rory, you're not serious.
RICHARD: [Day dream] That hardly looks like dinner.
EMILY: [Day dream] I agree. Rory, that's food you eat at the carnival or in a Turkish prison.
RORY: [Day dream] I promise you're gonna love it.
RORY: [Day dream] Listen, just leave it up to me. You guys go back into the living room, and I'll call you when it's ready.
[Rory is now in Richards office, she sees him in her day dream at his desk, as she enters. Then proceeds to sit at the desk and starts working on her book. She’s found her work place.]
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
LORELAI: Well, Damon, it's a very impressive resume.
DAMON: And here are my references, in case you need them.
MICHEL: Oh, we will. Believe me. Oh, come on. Ian Schrager as a reference?
DAMON: He recruited me out of college.
LORELAI: Interesting. I'm just wondering why you didn't stay in the Ian Schrager world. Why are you looking at a small place?
MICHEL: Yes, any skeletons in that closet of yours? Drug problems? Cheating scandals? Played Rolfe in The Sound of Music one too many times?
DAMON: I just wanted to experience some other management styles.
LORELAI: That's very commendable.
MICHEL: Yes. Big gold star for you.
LORELAI: Um, well, we are meeting other candidates, but you're definitely in the running. [Stands and shakes his hand.] Thank you so much for coming in, Damon.
DAMON: It was nice to meet you. [Tried to shake Michels hand.]
MICHEL: So long, farewell Auf Wiedersehen, good night. I know. I was rude.
LORELAI: And off-key. I don't care.
MICHEL: I don't like that someone else will be working here.
LORELAI: Neither do I.
MICHEL: Mini Ian Schrager is going to put velvet ropes up all over the place for Chloe Sevigny to trip over.
LORELAI: Next up, Molly Daniel.
MICHEL: Ugh, her last name's a first name. I hate that. Was I ever that young?
[Lorelai’s phone vibrates.]
MICHEL: Oh, go. I'll do this. And tell him we aren't paying for the new faucets. They are vile!
LORELAI: Mkay. Hey, Ed. Can you hold on a second? Uh, Molly, Michel will start your interview.
MOLLY: Okay. Hi there.
MICHEL: You brought some Kleenex?
MOLLY: Uh, yes? Hmm.
MICHEL: I'd get 'em out now. Now, your name is, uh, Molly. Why? Huh.
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
Sister Beatrice: I raise you five.
NUN 2: Call.
Sister Beatrice: Three deuces.
Sister Beatrice: Oh, sugarfoot!
LORELAI: Excuse me, ladies, nuns, sisters. Is Whoopi Goldberg around anywhere?
Sister Beatrice: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one.
LORELAI: Sorry. I noticed you're moving.
NUN 2: Mr. Porter died Thursday night. He was the last one to go, God rest his soul.
LORELAI: So what's going on with the building?
NUN 2: It's for sale.
LORELAI: Really? For sale?
NUN 2: Why do you ask? Are you looking to buy?
LORELAI: I could be. It's sure got a lot of potential.
Sister Beatrice: And a family of badgers living in the attic.
NUN 2: Sister Beatrice, the real estate lady said not to say things like that to potential buyers.
Sister Beatrice: Well I didn't mention the triple homicide this time, did I?
NUN 2: I'm sorry. The place is old, but has wonderful bones and a new roof.
LORELAI: Really? But if you're interested, move fast. Katy Perry was sniffing around here earlier.
Sister Beatrice: She dresses like a hooker, but she comes with cash.
LORELAI: Well, I bet you'd rather have the ownership stay in Stars Hollow, right?
NUN 2: To be honest, if the price was right, I'd sell the place to Beelzebub himself.
NUN 2: We've got a beautiful new building in Pebble Beach. The rest of the nuns are already there. The pope drove by once.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, I'll think quick.
NUN 2: Here. Take a one-sheet.
Sister Beatrice: Hey, do you play poker?
LORELAI: No. Not really.
Sister Beatrice: Hmm. Katy plays poker.
LORELAI: [sighs] Well, thank you.
LUKE AND LORELAI’S HOUSE
LORELAI: Hey, buddy. What are you doing? [Breathes deeply]
[Then she sees Rory standing at the door.]
[Lorelai follows Rory down to the kitchen where she has put some takeout food on the table. In silence Lorelai grabs the pop-tarts. She goes to the coffee machine while Rory gets some utensils from the draw. They hug for the first time in months.]
RORY: Ice cream?
LORELAI: Mmm-hmm. So you got my e-mail?
RORY: I did.
RORY: Thank you. I texted you.
LORELAI: I got it. And your note. Thank you.
RORY: So, you guys are finally gonna do it.
LORELAI: Finally. Opening day of the Harvest Festival.
RORY: Because there's a hot dog cart?
RORY: And will it be free hot dogs or will everyone have to buy their own?
LORELAI: I'm sorry. I'm Emily Gilmore's daughter. Open hot dog cart all night.
RORY: So it's a classy wedding.
LORELAI: [chuckles] It's going to be perfect.
RORY: Yes. It is.
LORELAI: And it's finally going to happen!
RORY: Yes. It is!
LORELAI: So [chuckles] My e-mail was lengthy and chock full of information. And all your text said was, "Got it. "
RORY: It said more than that.
LORELAI: Hardly. I need more. Details. What's been going on? What have you been doing?
RORY: Well... [Reaches for her book]
LORELAI: Term paper?
RORY: Look at it. [Lorelai picks it up.] It's the first three chapters.
LORELAI: [takes a deep breath] It feels light. You must've left my mother out.
RORY: I sat down and it just came out. Flew out. It's like this story has just been sitting in my brain for years, taking up space.
LORELAI: Like the lyrics to "My Sharona."
RORY: Exactly. It's been there, waiting for me to put it down on paper. Nothing I've written has been this easy.
RORY: And I get your feelings. I really do. So, here's the deal. I want you to read it. Just read it. After you do, if you still think it's a bad idea, if you think it's invasive, then I won't finish it. I promise. I will just throw those pages away. And that's it. No harm, no foul. Deal?
RORY: I promise. No harm, no foul.
LORELAI: But you won't like me anymore.
RORY: Not true.
LORELAI: I'll be your Candy Spelling.
RORY: You won't be my Candy Spelling.
RORY: Thank you. [sighs] So now, shall we discuss bridesmaid dresses?
LORELAI: Uh, yes. I'll let you pick. Priscilla Queen of the Desert or Desnudas.
RORY: Yep, I'm going to need some donuts for this.
TONI: So, Serena Am I saying that right?
TONI: It's not Serenna? Like "henna"?
SERENA: No. Serena.
BERNICE: That's that tennis player's name? Serena?
SERENA: Actually, my momma named me after Bewitched.
SANDRA: Well, that's a fun story.
TONI: So, Serena, first off, congratulations are in order on your brand new marriage. Renford seems like a new man since you two tied the knot.
SERENA: Thank you. I think it's the juicing.
TOONI: [chuckles] And now you want to become a member of the DAR.
SERENA: I do. I love history. It was one of my favorite subjects in school.
SANDRA: And where did you go to school?
SERENA: UC Santa Cruz. It's in California.
SANDRA: How sunny!
SERENA: But I didn't finish. I got into fitness really young. I worked at Crunch and SoulCycle for a while and Tracy Anderson's in Brentwood. And then I moved east and was a floater at Equinox. That's where I met Renford.
SANDRA: Well, my goodness. What a tale!
MARTHA: You could have a one-woman show.
ALL: [Chuckle, except Emily who gets up to go to the refreshments table.]
TONI: And you know about our little organization?
SERENA: Oh, yes. I've been to your parties.
[Rustling distracting Toni as Emily looks for something to eat.]
TONI: Well, you have some very nice references.
SERENA: Rennie's friends have been welcoming.
MARTHA: And you have time to devote to the club? With all your exercising and everything?
SERENA: Oh, yes. It would be a top priority.
MARTHA: All meetings are mandatory, you know?
SERENA: Oh, yes, I know.
[Emily crosses the floor back to her seat.]
TONI: And proper attire is very important, too. You have gloves?
SERENA: I don't. But I'm a good shopper.
TONI: I have no doubt. [slides a napkin to Emaily] Crumbs, dear. Well, everything looks to be in order. Give us a few days to deliberate. We will get back to you. But I have to say, you're a delightful young woman, and we have so enjoyed meeting you.
EMILY: [Loudly] Bullshit!
TONI: [whispers] Emily!
EMILY: You're not getting in, honey.
TONI: [whispering] That's not your decision...
EMILY: You were never getting in. This was a courtesy meeting, because Renford is a very big deal in our circle and he's got more money than God, despite the fact that he's paying off three other wives.
MARTHA: Emily, you don't know what you're saying.
EMILY: Oh, come on. It's always the same. The trophy wife. That's you, honey. She comes in here with her big hair and her big tits, and she sits there, and we all smile and say subtly snide things about her name and her family, which she usually doesn't get. Right?
EMILY: And then we say, "It was lovely meeting you," and we send her off and we laugh, and we have tea, and we buy a rocking chair that may or may not have been Benjamin Franklin's barber's cousin's proctologist's, and we pat ourselves on the back for a job well done, and we go home and we forget all about her. It's all just a big pile of bullshit.
SANDRA: Emily, this language. Where is it coming from?
EMILY: Serena, you are wife number four. Now sometimes, if a man is very old, that's a good position to be in, because he'll be too exhausted to try and find wife number five. And maybe you can wait him out. Like Barbara Sinatra. She just waited him out. But Renford is in perfect health, and the minute he finds a new place with bottle service, you'll be right back at Tracy Anderson's, which you should've thought about before you signed that ridiculous prenup he gave you. Oh yes, we know all about that prenup. We all saw the prenup. We had tea, and we passed it around, and we laughed at it, and then we bought a very expensive precolonial douche, and patted ourselves on the back for a job well done, and then we threw out the last trophy wife's application. Pammy, I think her name was.
TONI: Serena, would you mind waiting outside for just a moment, please?
[Serena leaves, upset as what she has just learnt.]
EMILY: That dress didn't help!
TONI: What the hell is going on?
EMILY: I can't do it anymore.
MARTHA: Can't do what?
EMILY: I can't spend any more time and energy on artifice and bullshit.
MARTHA: Why do you love that word so much?
EMILY: She's not getting in, is she?
TONI: Oh well, of course she's not! But this is not the way she doesn't get in. There's a system, Emily. And you know that. We meet, we say we'll discuss it, we don't, and they don't get in! And that is the way she doesn't get in.
EMILY: Well, that's just...
TONI: Don't you say "bullshit" to me one more time!
TONI: You know, Emily, you've been a member of this organization for many years, and you've done some wonderful work. And we know you're having a difficult time dealing with Richard's passing. Maybe you should take some time. Rest, regroup, and come back when you're ready and happy to participate again. We will be here waiting for you.
EMILY: So, basically, you're telling me I'm out.
TONI: Basically, yes. But we don't say it. You're just out. That's how it works!
EMILY: This whole thing is dead to me, anyhow. It died with Richard.
[Emily walks out.]
LUKE AND LORELAI’S HOUSE
LORELAI: [shouting from the kitchen] I need you to finalize the guest list!
LUKE: I need to get back to the diner!
LORELAI: The diner is fine. I called. It doesn't miss you. It's in its underwear blasting Bob Seger.
LUKE: I don't care who comes. I told you that.
LORELAI: At least look at the list.
LUKE: I looked at the list.
LORELAI: [sighs] Now, on my side, I have everybody. The town, Rory's friends, my mother, my mother's friends. On your side all I have Caesar.
LUKE: Caesar can't come.
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: He has to work.
LORELAI: You're not giving him the day off for your own wedding?
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: Because if I do, I can't go.
LORELAI: Close Luke's.
LUKE: I don't need to close Luke's. I have employees who can keep Luke's open, that’s Cesar.
LORELAI: Luke without Caesar, all I have for you is Liz and T. J. ,
LUKE: What cousin Billy?
LORELAI: Your cousin Billy.
LUKE: I don't have a cousin Billy.
LORELAI: Yes you do, he's coming.
LUKE: He can't come.
LORELAI: Why not?
LUKE: I don't have a cousin Billy.
LORELAI: He already booked his flight.
LUKE: But I don't have a... Fine. Put him at Caesar's table.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Miss Celine comes down the stairs.]
MISS CELINE: Lorelai, I need to finish pinning that dress. I don't want you to lean over and have your Deanna Durbins tumble out in front of the clergy.
LORELAI: Just one minute, Miss Celine.
MISS CELINE: Lucas! You are next. And we need to make sure that suit hugs only the things that need hugging. Kirk Douglas taught me that. That and the hora.
LUKE: My suit's fine, Miss Celine.
MISS CELINE: You know, from here, you look a little like Mr. Eli Wallach. I met him on the set of Baby Doll. He was all about the method. He would say, "Don't you look at me. I've got to save my erotic energy for Carroll. Yeah, if that's what Kazan wants, that's what Kazan will get." I was very desirable back then. Ask Kazan.
LUKE: [to Lorelai] How old is this woman?
MISS CELINE: You've chosen well, Lorelai. He'll look wonderful on the Christmas card.
LORELAI: Thank you, Miss Celine.
MISS CELINE: All right now, hurry up! You're next, Eli.
LORELAI: Now what about friends?
LUKE: What friends?
LORELAI: You must have friends.
LUKE: Everyone I know, you know.
LORELAI: Luke it is your big day. The biggest day of your life. You’ve officially have peaked. There is nowhere to go from here but down. Now knowing that nothing lies ahead but corns and death, is there anyone else in the entire world you would like to come to your wedding?
LUKE: Well, I guess there's one guy I could invite. An old buddy.
LORELAI: One guy! Old buddy! Great. There's a spot at table six. He can bring a date or go home with Patty. What's the name?
LUKE: Last name's Sutherland.
LUKE: First name Kiefer.
LORELAI: Really? That's the name?
LORELAI: Is it spelled the same?
LUKE: As what?
LORELAI: As the real Kiefer Sutherland?
LUKE: It is the real Kiefer Sutherland.
LORELAI: No, no, I’m talking about the real Kiefer Sutherland. "Chloe, the canisters are armed! Damn it!"
LUKE: Yeah, that guy.
LORELAI: "The Russians put a bomb on a truck headed for Brooklyn Heights! Damn it!"
LUKE: Yes. Kiefer Sutherland.
LORELAI: "I've been injected with anthrax. The antidote is in my other pants!" Damn it!
LUKE: We did a baseball camp together years ago. We both stunk. We bonded. We still go fishing.
LORELAI: And it never occurred to you to mention this?
LUKE: Like, when?
LORELAI: Okay, Mom's moving to Patty's table 'cause there's no way I'm not sitting next to Kiefer Sutherland.
RORY: That's fine. Okay, three o'clock. Bye. [sighs]
[Rory comes out of her room. Lorelai is doing some exercises, to fit into her dress.]
RORY: I'll be back in a while.
LORELAI: Hey, he knows Kiefer Sutherland!
RORY: The real one?
LUKE: There's only one.
RORY: "I'm Federal Agent Jack Bauer. This is the longest day of my life. My wife and mistress have the same face and haircut." That one?
LORELAI: [Still exercising] Yes. "Damn it!"
RORY: You gotta bump someone off our table.
LORELAI: Way ahead of you. Hey, where every you’re going can you get some ice cream? We're out.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: [pants] Yo!
LORELAI: You okay?
RORY: Yeah. Just a busy, busy time.
LORELAI: Rocky road.
RORY: Copy that.
LUKE: What are you doing?
LORELAI: Gotta fit in the dress.
LUKE: Wedding's in three days.
LORELAI: So you see the need.
LUKE: Or you could just forgo the ice cream.
LORELAI: [laughs] Get out.
LUKE: Out. Bye.
LORELAI: [panting and grunting she sighs before slumping on the couch with Paul Anker.] Oh, you're the only one who understands me.
MISS CELINE: Deanna!
LORELAI: Coming, Miss Celine! [singssong as she climbs the stairs.] One, two, and three, and four, and five!
CHRIS: Coffee here sucks. I had to go three blocks to get this.
RORY: This is the biggest size they had, huh?
CHRIS: It's good to see you, kiddo.
RORY: Thanks for squeezing me in.
CHRIS: Oh. Always time for you.
RORY: So, new office
CHRIS: Yes, the cave.
RORY: The cave?
CHRIS: I call it the cave 'cause I caved. I'm working in the family biz.
RORY: Well it looks good on you. New suit, sitting behind that desk
CHRIS: Knife to the heart, kid. Knife to the heart.
RORY: So, how's G. G.?
CHRIS: She's turning into a full-on Parisian. Got the baguette thing down.
RORY: Send her my love?
CHRIS: I'll do that.
RORY: And how's Lana? Are you two still together?
CHRIS: Why not? And how are you?
RORY: Me? I'm five by five.
RORY: Oh uh, sorry, it's, uh I was watching a Buffy marathon and some things stick.
CHRIS: Are you okay, kiddo?
RORY: I can't come visit my father?
CHRIS: Any time. It just seems a little formal. Like you're gonna serve me with papers or something.
RORY: Mom and Luke are getting married. Did she tell you?
CHRIS: I'm not real good at keeping up with e-mail. So, maybe.
RORY: Well, it's a town thing, and I thought you should know,
CHRIS: Show up? I won't. Knowing when to admit defeat is one of my better qualities. I wish her all the happiness in the world. Is she registered?
RORY: As what?
CHRIS: For gifts. I have a crazy expense account here. I can get anything. Does she have a unicorn?
RORY: Shoot! She got one yesterday.
CHRIS: I'll think of something else. So, is that what the big news is? The wedding?
RORY: I'm switching gears a little. Career-wise. The journalism thing didn't really pan out the way I hoped.
CHRIS: Sorry, kid. Do you need some money?
CHRIS: You sure? 'Cause I have some. I have no idea what to do. I bought this suit and every color of Beats by Dre.
RORY: I'm writing a book.
CHRIS: A book?
RORY: I'm writing a book about me and Mom.
CHRIS: Really? Does Lorelai know?
CHRIS: Does Lorelai care?
RORY: I'll find out.
CHRIS: Am I in this book?
RORY: Well, it would be a little hard to avoid.
CHRIS: Do I enter in a cloud of sulfur?
RORY: I haven't worked out all the logistics.
CHRIS: [chuckles] Okay, well, I I think it's great. Just try not to make me too big a villain. I was stupid, but I loved her. And you.
RORY: Can I ask you something?
RORY: How did you feel about Mom raising me alone?
CHRIS: Ouch! You kind of coldcocked me there, Mr. Bernstein.
RORY: Sorry, I just have to know. How did you feel? What did you feel?
CHRIS: Look your mom did what she wanted to do. I wasn't consulted.
RORY: I know, but you let her do it.
CHRIS: I did. I... I let her do it.
RORY: So, now, all these years later, how do you feel about that?
CHRIS: It was in the cards. Lorelai and you, from the first moment I saw you two together, no one was getting between you guys. Maybe that's why she's getting married now. You're grown. Her job is done. Now she can let someone else in.
RORY: So she didn't let you in?
CHRIS: I'm not saying that.
RORY: But is that why you weren't there? Because she made the decision and she pushed you away?
CHRIS: Not at all. We were just so young. I was so young, and Lorelai was, much like yourself, she was a force of nature. Just uncontrollable. Sure about everything. I couldn't come close to competing with that, so I didn't.
RORY: But you could've fought her on it. You could've talked her out of it.
CHRIS: You ever try talking her out of anything?
RORY: But do you think it was the right decision that she raised me alone?
CHRIS: I think it was exactly what was supposed to happen. And I think she'd back me up on that.
RORY: Yeah. I think she would, too. [sighs]
CHRIS: You know I love you though, right?
RORY: I know.
CHRIS: [laptop chimes] Oh. Hold on.
RORY: You're working. I should...
CHRIS: No, I... Sorry, kiddo.
RORY: That's okay.
CHRIS: Let's meet up for dinner next week. Tell me more about this book.
RORY: Thanks for the coffee. I think the office is nice.
[Lorelai enters the house.]
LORELAI: Mom! Uh, what's with the...
EMILY: Oh, my God! It's off!
LORELAI: What's off?
EMILY: The wedding. It's off. I knew it. I knew I should have bought that dress till the very last minute.
LORELAI: The wedding isn't off. Why do you think the weddings off?
EMILY: ‘cause you're here.
LORELAI: I wanted to talk to you.
EMILY: About the wedding being off?
LORELAI: The wedding isn't off.
EMILY: You can tell me. I don't have a deposit to lose. I didn't tell anyone you were getting married for exactly this reason.
LORELAI: Good thinking.
EMILY: There's no one to answer to.
LORELAI: I'm glad.
EMILY: I have no skin in this game.
LORELAI: I'm getting married.
EMILY: To Luke?
LORELAI: Hey! You're selling the house.
EMILY: What? Oh. Yes.
LORELAI: Are you kidding me?
EMILY: Why? Did you want it?
LORELAI: No! God, no! No, no, no, no, no.
EMILY: So, no?
LORELAI: Sorry, but no.
EMILY: Well since you and I don't want it, I thought I'd sell it to someone who does want it. Or someone who'll pay me a lot of money to tear it down. That's fine, too. "Show me the money!" Have you seen Jerry Maguire? It was on Starz last night. It's delightful.
LORELAI: Mom, stop. Please, why don't you want this house?
EMILY: Because it isn't home anymore. It hasn't been home since your father died. And I've tried to change it, to adjust it, I've moved everything around but it hasn't worked.
LORELAI: What did you move around?
EMILY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Mom, it looks exactly the same.
EMILY: Oh, it does not.
LORELAI: Other than the TV over there, it's exactly the same as it was.
EMILY: Are you blind?
LORELAI: Nothing has changed in this house.
EMILY: Oh, for Pete's sake, why do you make me... [sighs] That was over there. Those pillows were upstairs. The highball glasses were on the top of the bar. There are no tongs in the ice bucket anymore. These were ferns. Now they're ficuses.
LORELAI: You're right. No tongs. Where am I?
[The house phone starts rining.]
EMILY: Lorelai, go away. I have a real estate woman coming to discuss photographing the house. I have no time to spar with you.
LORELAI: But where are you gonna live?
[Emily hangs up the phone without answering it.]
LORELAI: What in the hell?
EMILY: Why is everything so dramatic with you? I like Nantucket.
LORELAI: Yes but your whole world is here. Your friends, the club, the DAR.
EMILY: Those old bats!
EMILY: People move all the time.
LORELAI: Not you. You don't move or change ever! There's a picture of you in the attic that Dorian Gray is consulting copyright lawyers about.
EMILY: Sometimes life forces your hand. So you remember the house your father and I rented every summer?
LORELAI: Of course.
EMILY: Well, I bought it.
EMILY: It wasn't even for sale. I just upped and pulled a Bugsy Siegel and made 'em an offer they couldn't refuse.
LORELAI: I think you mixed your mob metaphors, but I appreciate the attempt.
EMILY: I paid cash.
LORELAI: You and Katy Perry.
EMILY: I went online, I saw what the house across the way went for and doubled it.
LORELAI: Mum you're a terrible businessman.
EMILY: I don’t care, they said yes in five minutes and left the porch furniture.
LORELAI: [high pitched voice] Well, hooray for the bulldog.
EMILY: It was thrilling, actually. You know I've never bought anything big before. Your father bought this house and our cars. All my credit cards still say, "Mrs. Richard Gilmore." But the Sand Castle? The Sand Castle says, "Owner: Emily Gilmore."
LORELAI: Sand Castle?
EMILY: Well, the previous owners called it the Clam Shack. I guess Vagina House was taken.
LORELAI: Mmm, Sand Castle's nice.
EMILY: Now I've got my eye on that house next door. I'd like to buy it and get those Blackstone pricks out.
LORELAI: Hey what was the exact moment you became a Mamet play?
EMILY: I've started having a sherry every day in the afternoon. You can join me if you like.
LORELAI: Mom? Uh, come, come, sit.
EMILY: Why? Is there more?
LORELAI: Just sit, please.
EMILY: What do you need, Lorelai?
LORELAI: [sighs] I need to expand the Dragonfly. But I can't, because there's wetlands on one side, and crazy town ordinances and some weird lizard thing that spawns up in the north field twice a century. I'm never gonna grow the business or keep Michel unless I find another place, an annex, and I found one. It was an old folks' home, but they're no more old folks and they’re selling it.
EMILY: You need money.
LORELAI: It's just the perfect opportunity
EMILY: You need money.
LORELAI: The nuns who own it a looking to move it quickly. I know there's interest and I'm not sure I can find another loan that fast.
EMILY: So you need money.
EMILY: I'll get the checkbook.
LORELAI: But, Mom, I... I wanna use Luke's franchise money. He doesn't want it. It's just not who he is. Luke likes his empire small. And I know Dad left it to him, and I wanna honor Dad's memory, but maybe this could honor it, too.
EMILY: I'll call the lawyer.
LORELAI: Really? Thank you.
EMILY: On one condition. [drops her head]
LORELAI: So close. I want you and Luke in Nantucket two weeks every summer and one week at Christmas. If all goes well, you'll be staying in the Blackstone house next door.
LORELAI: You're kidding.
EMILY: If you agree, you'll have the money by morning. If you don't, you better figure out a way to get rid of those lizards.
LORELAI: [chuckles then breathes deeply and raises her glass.] To the circle of life.
EMILY: You look very happy.
LORELAI: I am. I really am.
EMILY: Well, this is silly. We're celebrating. I'm opening the '69 Dom Perignon.
[Emily exits then Lorelai stands, notices something wrapped in paper she takes a look. It’s a smaller portrait of Richard.]
RORY: Okay. I'm moving. I have a million things I need to do today as well. Fine I'm here. What am I looking for?
LORELAI: Okay first find the spray cheese.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: Go down to the Red Vines.
RORY: Got it.
LORELAI: Go two over from the oatmeal and up from the anchovy paste. Find me some white safety pins.
RORY: What on Earth would white safety pins be doing next to the... Got 'em.
LORELAI: And grab a stain stick. I'm picking up my dress. And I'll meet you at the Inn in a hour.
RORY: I'll see you then. [She turns around and bumps into Dean.]
RORY: Oh, sorry.
RORY: Well, well, well, of all the gin joints in all the world.
RORY: It's so good to see you.
DEAN: Ah you, too.
RORY: What are you doing in Stars Hollow?
DEAN: I'm just visiting my parents for the weekend.
RORY: That's nice.
DEAN: It's very nice. Especially since Grady brought home the flu and head lice from his first day at school.
RORY: Oh, man.
DEAN: Yeah within 24 hours, all three kids had everything. It's ugly, man. Jenny told me to save myself while I could.
RORY: She's a saint.
DEAN: She's pregnant.
DEAN: It's really boring in Scranton.
RORY: Man, your house is gonna be loud.
DEAN: I know.
RORY: That's so great.
DEAN: I know.
DEAN: And it's a girl, so my sister finally has someone to shop for.
RORY: So how is Clara?
DEAN: She's in Berlin with a guy named Wolfgang.
RORY: Van Halen?
DEAN: I wish. He's from Buffalo. He climbs things for a living.
RORY: Climbs things like big piles of money?
DEAN: Nope. Like bridges, municipal buildings. They stacked up tires for the monster truck rally, and he climbed them dressed as an ignition switch.
RORY: I don't know how to defend that.
DEAN: And he calls her Ra. That's the great nickname he came up with.
RORY: You hate him.
DEAN: I hate him.
RORY: [laughs] Well, it's okay. She's young. It's her first love. It'll probably...
DEAN: Yeah, I know. Um
DEAN: How're you doing?
RORY: Um me? I'm doing okay.
DEAN: Just okay?
RORY: Well things are changing for me at the moment. And I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm writing a book.
DEAN: Oh you've read 'em all, so what else are you gonna do?
RORY: Mmm-hmm. Uh, it's actually about my mom and me and our life.
RORY: Can I put you in it?
RORY: I mean, I'm changing the names to protect the guilty, but still you would know it's you.
DEAN: I don't know. Um what're you gonna say?
RORY: That you were the greatest boyfriend alive. That you were, um... generous, and protective, and kind and strong. That as much as I wish we'd met when I was older and more mature, I know if I hadn't when I did, I wouldn't be the person I am today. That you taught me what safe feels like.
RORY: And that you had an obsession with Lord of the Rings, that you did a terrible Smeagol impression.
DEAN: It was not terrible. It was pretty damn good. There were hand gestures.
RORY: I know, I remember. I remember it all really well.
DEAN: Good luck with the book.
RORY: Thank you. [Dean walks to the front door. Rory calls for him.] Dean! Cornstarch.
DEAN: [chuckles] Pay for it this time.
LORELAI: Michel? Oh. Hey, I'm gonna raid the kitchen. Give me a shout when Rory gets here?
MICHEL: Mmm-hmm, I live for moments like these.
[Lorelai enters the kitchen and is surprised. Lots and lots of wedding cakes.]
LORELAI: Sookie. Sookie? Sookie?
[Both gasp and scream, Sookie squeezes the icing bag making it squirt out.]
LORELAI: Oh, jeez!
SOOKIE: Oh... wow, that was pornographic. Hey, give a gal some warning.
LORELAI: What are you talking about? I've been calling your name.
SOOKIE: Well, my hearing's not so good right now. I set off one of Jackson's bear traps the other night, and the alarm went off right in my ear.
LORELAI: His what?
SOOKIE: Bear trap, yeah. He's reading Little House in the Big Woods to Martha. He got to the part where Ma goes to check on...
LORELAI: The horses. Because she thought that the cow...
SOOKIE: Had gotten out...
LORELAI: But it's not. She smacks him on the nose,
SOOKIE: But it's a bear.
LORELAI: It's a bear.
SOOKIE: It's a bear!
SOOKIE: So, now, you know, Jackson thinks that everything outside is a bear, and he's rigged the entire property with bear traps that blast "Welcome To The Jungle" if you trip them off, and I'm out chasing Cogburn, our rooster, and then voila! You know, Panama all over again. It was so loud that the neighboring farm heard it. They call the police. I had to wait till I got out of jail to tell Jackson, "You gotta get rid of this stuff."
SOOKIE: The cops thought that I had broken into our house.
SOOKIE: Well, when they asked me if I had broken into it, I said yes.
LORELAI: Why did you do that?
SOOKIE: I thought they said, "Do you have pineapple juice?" and I did. Ah. So what do you think?
LORELAI: Sookie what is all this?
SOOKIE: This is your wedding cake. Or this is your wedding cake.
SOOKIE: Or or this is your wedding cake. This was going to be your wedding cake, but then this became your wedding cake. I couldn't decide. But, I mean, this is your Luke wedding. So, I just, I really wanted it to say Luke Oh, look. This one actually says "Luke."
LORELAI: [laughs] Amazing.
SOOKIE: And this one has hats on it, if you like that. This one has daisies. This one has cakes on top of the cake. I mean, this one if you want a classic, or but this one is my favorite. This is your milestone cake. Look, there's you and baby Rory made out of frosting.
LORELAI: Just like in real life.
SOOKIE: [chuckles] There's your house and Jeep, and that's the hospital with the emergency room where you took me the day we met.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, is that...
SOOKIE: My finger tip.
SOOKIE: Remember you just scooped it up off the floor and threw it in your purse.
LORELAI: That was a brand new purse, FYI.
SOOKIE: And you got me to the hospital and the doctor sewed it right back on.
LORELAI: And you cut it right off again two days later.
SOOKIE: It kind of became our thing.
LORELAI: Yeah. Michel, look who's here!
MICHEL: You bitch!
SOOKIE: Oh, he hasn't changed at all.
MICHEL: Two years? Two years before you deign to waltz back in here.
SOOKIE: I don't think I waltzed
MICHEL: No! I talk now! You should be ashamed of yourself.
LORELAI: Thanks, Michel.
MICHEL: Turning her into a sighing, moping, broken shell of a person who refuses to let anyone park in your space even though it is right next to the back door and other people's aren't.
SOOKIE: I don't think...
MICHEL: Not done! And when you left on your amazing journey upstate, you took your fat-free magic granola with you...
SOOKIE: I... brought a vat of it. It's in the back.
MICHEL: Oh, really? Oh, it's so nice to see you. Send my love to Jackson and the kids. Is it right here? Right...
LORELAI: Michel is exaggerating. I'm not broken. Maybe just a little chipped.
SOOKIE: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: For what?
SOOKIE: 'Cause we were supposed to do this together.
LORELAI: We did do this together. Look around.
SOOKIE: It's a pretty great inn.
LORELAI: It sure is.
SOOKIE: I miss it. I mean, I love... I love what I'm doing. You know, it's fascinating. Did you know that I can tell the alkaline levels of soil just by tasting it?
LORELAI: I did not.
SOOKIE: There are moments where I'm looking around and just watching a bunch of people eat dirt and I think... "Jonestown definitely started like this."
LORELAI: [chuckling] Well, if they start passing around Kool-Aid, you can always come back.
SOOKIE: Still best friends?
LORELAI: Still best friends.
SOOKIE: [sniffs] What's that?
LORELAI: What's what?
SOOKIE: [Sniffing Lorelai’s hair.] What is... What is that? Is that... There's a smell. Is that abalone?
LORELAI: Uh, maybe.
SOOKIE: Oh, I can't believe you let Roy Choi in my kitchen, And what what is that? That's Ina Garten.
SOOKIE: No? Is that not lime tequila chicken? Huh? I've been gone like five minutes.
LORELAI: Two years.
SOOKIE: Whatever! I mean, now I'm... [sniffing] Now I...
SOOKIE: [sniffing the sink.] That's sammies! Huh?
SOOKIE: Sammies all around!
SOOKIE: If Rachael Ray reorganized my pantry, I'm gonna blow.
MICHEL: Hey! Knock first!
SOOKIE: You're eating my granola with your hands?
MICHEL: There are no spoons in here.
SOOKIE: The granola's half gone!
MICHEL: Stop judging me, you crazy log lady!
SOOKIE: Slow down! You're gonna choke!
MICHEL: Give it back! This is mine
EMILY’S NEW NANTUCKET HOUSE
EMILY: Hello, Alejandro. Berta, what are you doing out of bed? [still coughing] You go to bed right now. I'll heat some soup.
BERTA: [in her language] Oh, no. Every time you heat soup it boils over and I can't get it off the stove.
EMILY: I won't hear any more arguing. Go back to bed. Go on. Go, go , go, go.
BERTA: [in her language] Okay. It's your stove. How a grown woman goes through life without being able to heat something up is incredible.
[Her cell phone vibrates.]
EMILY: Hello? Yes, Sidney. I'm on my way. I just need to heat up some soup, and then I'm out the door. See you soon.
[Emily puts on some comfortable shoes.]
NANTUCKET WHALING MUSEUM
EMILY: He plunges his barbed harpoon into the whale's back. And then with the killing irons, they stab the great beast repeatedly in the neck, to stop it diving and make it bleed to death all the faster. They then cut the tail tendons, immobilizing the whale. Later in history, they'll invent an explosive lance that combines the stabbing of the lance with an explosive that detonates once inside the whale. But at this point, it's just lots and lots of stabbing. [Some in the tour group are not loving it.] Well, by now, the whale is spouting buckets and buckets and buckets of blood. I'll give you all a moment.
LUKE AND LORELAI’S HOUSE
JESS: Wow, where's Right Said Fred when you need 'em?
LUKE: Guy who sold me this suit put this thing in the box. I don't know what the hell to do with it.
JESS: It's a pocket square. Do the math.
LUKE: Oh. Oh, it looks kind of nice. So this is the big outfit for tomorrow. Get it all out now.
JESS: Turn around.
JESS: You are a very handsome man.
LUKE: All right.
JESS: I mean, very hot.
LUKE: I got it.
JESS: Rande Gerber hot.
LUKE: Enough, Jess.
JESS: Hey. You look good.
JESS: I only do sincere once, man.
LUKE: Right, thanks.
[Kirk enters the house.]
KIRK: Luke! Everything's under control!
LUKE: What happened to knocking?
JESS: Yeah what if we were naked?
LUKE: Don't say that.
KIRK: Everything's under control.
LUKE: Where're you going?
KIRK: To throw up.
LUKE: There's a bathroom down here.
KIRK: I wanna throw up upstairs.
LUKE: I don't want you throwing up in either bathroom.
KIRK: But the tile downstairs kills my knees.
JESS: He's got a point.
KIRK: I've thrown up in both, so I know what I'm talking about.
LUKE: Kirk, what the hell is going on?
KIRK: I've destroyed your wedding. Sorry.
LUKE: Destroyed? How?
KIRK: The decorations in the town square. Lorelai said to piggyback on the Harvest Festival, with the hay bales and food carts, and I was only supposed to set up a table for gifts and leave, and I intended to. I really did.
KIRK: But I was taking Petal for a walk. And she took longer than usual to pick her spot.
KIRK: And I was looking around and I got an idea! I never get ideas! But I had one. And the next thing I knew, I bought a glitter gun and some double stick tape, and two hours later, it's all different! Totally different. I ruined your big day.
LUKE: Kirk, you have got to relax.
KIRK: I wish Petal was here with me. She's a great source of comfort in times of stress. Plus, if I vomit and miss the toilet, she's there to make it disappear, if you know what I mean.
LUKE: Stop talking. [Lorelai wanders in eating Pop-Tarts.] What the hell are you doing here?
LORELAI: I live here. You look hot.
LUKE: Your should be at the inn.
LORELAI: I was. They don't have Pop-Tarts.
LUKE: Get out of here.
LUKE: The wedding's tomorrow. I’m not supposed to see you. It's bad luck.
LORELAI: Oh, are we doing that?
RORY: What's the hoopla?
LUKE: Why is she here?
RORY: She lives here?
LORELAI: I tried that.
JESS: You shouldn't see the bride before the wedding.
RORY: Oh are we doing that?
LUKE: Yes, we are doing that. Did the discussion regarding how this day was going to work go out of your head?
LORELAI: Kinda. What's with Kirk?
LUKE: He freaked out and decided to vomit in our upstairs bathroom.
LORELAI: Yeah the downstairs is hard on his knees. Tart?
LUKE: You can't be here. It's bad luck. Why am I the only one who gets this?
LORELAI: Okay, we'll go. Wow we're not even married and the honeymoon's already so over.
KIRK: Thank you for not telling her that her special day has been ruined.
LUKE: No problem.
LORELAI: [From the kitchen] Okay we're leaving! Bye-bye.
LUKE: You guys just pretended to leave and you're sitting there eating, right?
BOTH: [From the kitchen] No.
RORY: I never pegged Luke as being a traditionalist.
LORELAI: I know. There's more to learn about that man yet. [Smiling] Ooh.
LORELAI: Here. [Hands Rory the first chapters form her book.]
RORY: You read it.
LORELAI: No, I didn't.
LORELAI: I'm not gonna read it. You go ahead and finish it. I'll read it when it's done.
RORY: Are you sure?
LORELAI: If I don't like it, I'll sue your ass.
RORY: Wow. [chuckles] It's it's good publicity. Sue me either way?
LORELAI: You got it.
RORY: Thanks, Mom.
LORELAI: Yeah. [Lorelai get up and starts towards the living room.] Oh just one note. Drop the "the." Just Gilmore Girls. It's cleaner.
RORY: [to herself] Gilmore Girls.
[Back in the living room.]
LORELAI: Hey we're gonna order a pizza. Any requests?
LUKE: Go away!
LORELAI: With extra cheese?
JESS: Hey, listen, you guys have a full house here, so I'm just gonna take off.
LORELAI: oh no, you don't have to.
JESS: It's no problem. I'll go crash with Liz and T. J. See you guys tomorrow.
KIRK: [still on the couch, he groans]
[Outside the front door.]
LUKE: Liz got a bed there for you?
JESS: No bed, but a lot of couches. Not sure why. Be back at 10:00?
RORY: [coming outside.] Jess Jess, look. The first three chapters! [joyful scream she returns inside.]
LUKE: What was that all about?
JESS: Oh just a thing between us.
LUKE: Between you?
JESS: A work thing between us.
LUKE: Work thing, huh? So then you're over that, right?
JESS: Yup, long over.
LUKE: Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
JESS: Can't wait to see if you're gonna wear that pocket square again.
[Rory and Lorelai can be heard laughing inside, Jess moves to a window to see Rory helping comfort Kirk.]
[Later that night we see Paul Anker and Petal sleeping together on a dog bed. The TV is on while Rory is sleeping on the couch and Kirk is on the living room floor.]
[Luke and Lorelai are in the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Last piece.
LORELAI: Come on! We're gonna be married in 10 hours. This is what married people do.
LUKE: Force-feed each other like veal?
LORELAI: Yes, I look at you, I see veal.
LUKE: Take it.
LORELAI: All right, fine. If we're ever stuck on the Donner Pass and get stuck in the snow and have to eat our chuck wagon driver, I would give you the first bite, 'cause we are married now.
LUKE: Almost married.
LORELAI: Almost married. I feel weird.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: Should we drink?
LUKE: Yes. No. I don't know. [stammers] What if we smell all boozy?
LORELAI: Well, we'll shower.
LUKE: I know but it comes out your pores and people can tell.
LORELAI: How much do you think we’re gonna drink? We're not vaudevillians.
LUKE: I know. I'm just jittery.
LORELAI: Second thoughts?
LUKE: No, you?
LORELAI: No, no, no, no, no. I just... I have things planned.
LUKE: I know.
LORELAI: [gasps] You do? How do you know?
LUKE: I just figured. I do, too.
LORELAI: You have things planned?
LORELAI: What? No creepy vows. We promised, no creepy vows.
LUKE: I'm not planning creepy vows.
LORELAI: "Do you take her? Do you take him?" "Yes." "Yes." And bam! Step on the glass. Let's eat.
LUKE: You step on a glass?
LORELAI: Don't we have to?
LUKE: We're not Jewish.
LORELAI: Aren't we?
LUKE: What do you have planned?
LORELAI: Flash mob.
LUKE: You're kidding! Been rehearsing Miss Patty's girls all week. They wear T-shirts with your face on them. Its awful and you're gonna hate it.
LUKE: [chuckling] What song?
LORELAI: "Relax, Don't Do It." Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
LUKE: I'm doing a flash mob, too.
LORELAI: Shut up! What song?
LUKE: "Hey, Nineteen."
LORELAI: "Hey, Nineteen"?
LUKE: Steely Dan.
LORELAI: You're doing a flash mob to Steely Dan?
LUKE: I like Steely Dan.
LORELAI: You can't do a flash mob to Steely Dan.
LUKE: Why not?
LORELAI: Well, it's old boring man music.
LUKE: It's not old boring man music.
LORELAI: What does your flash mob do? Jump out, lose their hair, complain about their backs and doze off?
LUKE: Hey, my flash mob, my song pick.
LUKE: I went to a rehearsal. It was awful.
LORELAI: 'Cause you can't flash mob to Steely Dan.
LUKE: Lot of pressure this wedding. All those people staring at us.
LORELAI: Waiting to be entertained, which they won't, 'cause Steely Dan.
LUKE: You're exhausting.
LORELAI: I feel like we should be married already.
LUKE: Tomorrow's this big stress-filled party that everybody can enjoy but us.
LORELAI: Mmm. It'll be fine once we say "I do."
LUKE: We should've eloped. And then we could've had the big dance-off wedding. Then the pressure's off.
LORELAI: Agreed. Steely Dan still would've sucked. [Lorelai grins]
LORELAI: It's bingo night.
LORELAI: Reverend Skinner's up awfully late on bingo night.
[indistinct chatter on TV]
LORELAI: [whispering] Hey, kid. Wake up.
RORY: More pizza?
LORELAI: No. Come on.
RORY: Where are we going?
LORELAI: We're going to get married.
RORY: What about tomorrow?
LORELAI: We'll get married then, too. [Luke comes over.] What about him?
LUKE: [whispering] Oh, let the boy sleep.
[They leave Kirk.]
[“Reflecting Light” playing for the next few scenes. We see the girls in the back of Luke’s truck to the town square past Miss Patty’s and Luke’s.]
LUKE AND LORELAI’S HOUSE
EMILY’S NANTUCKET HOUSE
EMILY’S NANTUCKET HOUSE
EMILY’S NANTUCKET HOUSE
RORY: Steely Dan?
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Who flash mobs to Steely Dan?
LORELAI: It's fine. I texted Patty. She'll switch it to "Karma Chameleon. "
RORY: Without telling him?
RORY: Oh, man. That's going to be good.
RORY: Aren't you curious what a Steely Dan flash mob would look like?
RORY: Me either. So, how does it feel?
LORELAI: It feels... right. [chuckles]
LORELAI: Such a long time getting here. Sometimes it's just a journey, you know?
RORY: Yeah. I guess so.
LORELAI: I think I'm gonna be very good at this.
RORY: At being married?
LORELAI: No, at finishing off this bottle.
RORY: Oh, no doubt in my mind.
LORELAI: Now that I'm a married lady, maybe you should be one, too. You are of age. Then we could do married-lady things together.
RORY: What are married-lady things?
LORELAI: I don't know, like, uh dyeing our hair blue or buying pork chops. Bowling? I'm out. I don't know.
RORY: I thought I'd be the spinster daughter who stays home and looks after Mama.
LORELAI: No, I've got Kirk for that. Let me see. Who can we marry you off to?
LORELAI: Ooh, I know! Did that nice Pee-wee Herman find a lady?
RORY: I think no's a pretty safe bet.
LORELAI: You wanted to marry him when you were little.
RORY: I also wanted to marry Edward Scissorhands and Jerry Orbach from Law & Order.
LORELAI: Your taste ran the gamut.
[Rory gets a text on her cell phone.]
RORY: "Rory, due to our ever-conflicting schedules, I think we should break up. Take care, Paul."
RORY: I can't believe how I treated him. I suck.
LORELAI: No, you don't. It didn't fit. It needs to fit. Believe me.
LORELAI: And so will you. [moment of silence] Hey. What's going on in there?
RORY: I wanna remember it all. Every detail. Mom.
RORY: I'm pregnant.
[Lorelai looks at Rory with surprise before the screen cuts to black and the credits.]
CLOSING MUSIC -classic Gilmore Girls closing.
END PART 4 FALL
Written By Amy Sherman-Palladino
Transcribed by Craig Best for http://www.crazy-internet-people.com/site/gilmoregirls
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