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A Year In The Life - Summer - (156)
This was transcribed by Craig Best
LORELAI: I get that they want to be cool.
RORY: It's human nature.
LORELAI: But to get to the pool, they have to walk in the hot sun.
RORY: It makes them hotter.
LORELAI: It makes no sense.
RORY: It's a giant cascading debacle.
LORELAI: Belly alert.
RORY: Holy moly.
LORELAI: If the point of the activity is to cool off by being in water...
RORY: I like where you're going.
LORELAI: Then why don’t they just stay home?
RORY: And take a bath.
RORY: Eh, the logic's impeccable.
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
RORY: Just go naked.
LORELAI: Plus, bath water doesn't contain all those chemicals. The chlorine, the algaecides.
RORY: And the bodily fluids that shall remain nameless.
LORELAI: Kid pee.
RORY: I just said they'd remain nameless.
LORELAI: Gallons of kid pee being pumped into this pool as we speak.
RORY: That why they shouldn't have a drinking fountain.
LORELAI: All that liquid ends up somewhere.
RORY: People don't think.
LORELAI: Uh-oh. Oh, my God.
RORY: What? It's Pat.
OPENING SUMMER SIGN
RORY: All clear.
LORELAI: This place is a minefield.
ANDREW: Hi guys.
RORY: It's okay. It's Andrew, and he's got a shirt on.
LORELAI: Oh, thank God.
ANDREW: Welcome back, Rory.
RORY: Oh, I'm not back. I'm just here temporarily.
ANDREW: That's not what I heard.
RORY: Well it's true.
ANDREW: At the bookstore yesterday, all anyone talks about is how you're back.
RORY: Well, I'm not back.
RORY: Spread the word.
[Andrew walks off.]
LANE: Hey, guys, did you hear? Somebody vandalized the floaty hut.
LORELAI: Oh, no.
ZACH: Hinges are bent, lock's jammed, and the kids are having a fit 'cause they can't get their floaties. Welcome back, by the way.
RORY: Yeah, I'm not back.
ZACH: You look back.
LORELAI: Luke donated the money for that hut. He's gonna be upset.
LANE: Forget Luke. Steve and Kwan are going postal.
ZACH: And there's two of 'em. When they get mad, they're like five little Korean people. They focus all their Korean vitriol on Lane and me.
RORY: Where are they now?
LANE: There at the drinking fountain. They're going back in the pool.
LORELAI: Yup. Figures.
ZACH: If you see something inflatable, shout it out.
ZACH: [To Lane as they walk away.] She looks back to me.
LANE: Well, she's not back.
RORY: [Scoffs] It is hot!
LORELAI: [Sighs] I don't know why we come here.
MAN: Welcome back, Rory.
RORY: I'm not back.
WOMAN 1: Welcome back, Rory.
RORY: I'm not back.
WOMAN 2: Good to have Rory back.
WOMAN 3: I know.
LUKE AND LORELAI’S KITCHEN
APRIL: It made sense. I was leaning towards chem. I just love chem labs.
RORY: Me, too.
APRIL: Beakers, clamps. Test-tubes, Bunsen burners. But I love philosophy, too. Metaphysics? Can't get enough.
LORELAI: I once got in trouble for cheating on a metaphysics exam. I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
APRIL: You took metaphysics?
LORELAI: No, that was Woody Allen.
APRIL: Woody Allen took metaphysics?
RORY: It's from Annie Hall.
APRIL: I only watch German silent films.
LORELAI: Oh, boy, remember that phase.
LUKE: When did you punch a hole in your nose?
APRIL: Ah read the Constitution. I'm 22. I get to adorn my body as I see fit.
LUKE: You're right. You're 22. Punch all the holes you want.
LORELAI: Are you gonna join us?
LUKE: When I can.
APRIL: I took some great linguistic courses. I mean, it's MIT. Noam Chomsky walks the halls. I met him. Chatted with him, laughed with him. He's my idol.
LORELAI: Well, to Noam is to love him. Uh, is this thing on? [Chuckles] Ooh.
LUKE: Why are you getting up?
LORELAI: I was just gonna get some extra cheese.
LUKE: I'll get it.
LORELAI: I'll get it.
LUKE: I'm up.
RORY: So what are you doing this summer before graduate school?
APRIL: Well first, I'm gonna do some traveling with friends. We're canvassing a few states for pot legalization.
LUKE: For what?
APRIL: It's about civil liberties. It happens to be about pot.
LORELAI: You made it sound way less fun.
LUKE: Do you smoke pot?
[Lorelai gestures to Rory that Aprils does smoke pot.]
[Later, after dinner Luke and Lorelai move to the living room to watch a movie.]
RORY: What are we watching?
LORELAI: Uh, The Returned.
RORY: The French Returned?
LORELAI: [Speaking French.] Blah!
LUKE: I don't know how long I'll last.
LORELAI: Oh, come on. Take some NoDoz, drink some coffee. We've got to break this tragic pattern.
RORY: What pattern?
LORELAI: Ugh. We get through one episode, then half of another,
LUKE: I'm up at 5:00.
LORELAI: Then, he won't watch again till a week later. At which point, he's not only forgotten the first half of the abandoned episode, he’s forgot the one before that entirely. Then we have to start all over again.
RORY: That puts you in binge-watching jail, Luke.
LUKE: I'll get a lawyer. April, go to law school.
APRIL: Lawyers are fascists.
LORELAI: Do you remember the first episode we watched?
LUKE: It's a bunch of French people in a small town.
LORELAI: And some of them are dead.
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
[Rory in her room, looks at her cell phone and sees a voice mail form Logan. April enters.]
APRIL: Wow. Like a time machine. Is it weird to be back?
RORY: I'm not back.
APRIL: You're not?
RORY: Uh, no. I mean, I'm I'm here now, but Never mind. [April shuts the door and sits next to Rory.] Oh, hi again.
APRIL: So, I totally smoke pot.
RORY: I figured.
APRIL: Don't tell my dad.
RORY: I don't think he'd mind. Just don't operate a forklift after.
APRIL: Right. A forklift. You have an excellent sense of humor.
RORY: Thank you.
APRIL: I don't have a great sense of humor. I know that. I'm working on it. I bought a joke book.
RORY: I think that's good.
APRIL: It's hard to have a sense of humor in college these days. [Breathing Heavily]
APRIL: I never met Noam Chomsky. I made it up.
APRIL: I've only smoked pot once. I ate so much cheese after.
RORY: That's okay.
APRIL: [Breathing Heavily] I'm still kind of searching.
RORY: Nothing wrong with searching.
APRIL: I think I'm having an anxiety attack.
RORY: Can I get you something? Water?
APRIL: It's just very weird here.
RORY: What do you mean?
APRIL: Looking around. Seeing you back in your childhood room.
RORY: I am not back.
APRIL: Oh, it's like a postcard from the real world.
RORY: Maybe we should join Mom and Luke?
APRIL: My nose ring hurts.
LORELAI: [From the living room.] Hey, get in here!
RORY: In a minute!
APRIL: Oh, my God. "To Noam is to love him. " I just got that.
[Lorelai’s cell phone vibrates.]
LORELAI: [Chuckles] April's having a little freak out.
LUKE: What? April!
LORELAI: No, it's okay. Rory's got it.
LUKE: She looks so grown up, but she is still a kid.
LORELAI: She wants Rory to take her nose ring out.
LUKE: I'll take it out. I hate that thing. She wants to go to Germany this summer. Did I tell you?
LORELAI: She does like German cinema.
LUKE: She's staying with some exchange students she met.
[Woman speaking French on TV.]
LORELAI: So where would the money for Germany come from?
LUKE: Where else?
LORELAI: She could get a job.
LUKE: I could swing it.
LORELAI: You sure?
LORELAI: She only got a partial scholarship. You had to make up the difference. Now, if she's going to grad school, I mean maybe I could chip in a little...
LUKE: I got it.
LORELAI: [Inhales sharply] Okay.
LUKE: April's mine. I got it.
LORELAI: All right. You got it. [Cell phone vibrates] [Clears throat, chuckles] Rory's showing her the stress tap dancing videos.
RORY: God bless that girl.
LUKE AND LORELAI’S HOUSE
LOGAN: Ace, hi.
RORY: I wake you up?
LOGAN: I wish. I've been on the phone with the company rep in China. I couldn't get the guy to talk slower. The time zones are killing me.
LOGAN: Why can't it be the same time everywhere? Time zones suck.
RORY: Yeah, they do. They do suck.
LOGAN: You okay?
RORY: I'm fine [Sighs] I guess. I don't know. I'm in a weird mood actually.
LOGAN: Anything I can help with?
RORY: No. [Chuckles] Yes. Uh Hey, I know I'm coming out in a couple weeks, but...
LOGAN: Oh, come on, don't cancel on me now. I've got Matilda tickets, planned pony rides, there's a freak show in town.
RORY: No, not cancelling. I just thought well I'm not really doing much of anything these days, and I'm a little bored, and I thought maybe I'd come out sooner. Like tomorrow.
RORY: Is that okay?
LOGAN: Uh, sure. Yes, let's do it this week. We'll make it special. Your favorite place, The Dorchester or the Savoy.
RORY: I'd have to stay in a hotel?
RORY: She's in town?
RORY: For how long? [Takes deep breath.] She's moved in?
LOGAN: [Sighs] Yes.
LOGAN: Couple of weeks ago.
RORY: Okay. Were you gonna tell me?
LOGAN: Of course I was.
RORY: So now you want me to just wait in a hotel until you can slip away and come see me?
RORY: Like I'm a geisha?
LOGAN: Come on, that's not fair.
RORY: I know. I knew about Odette. I just... Like a hotel It's just weird.
LOGAN: It doesn't have to be. Look, can't we just keep the plans the same? Come out in three weeks, and we will figure it all out then. Please? Rory?
RORY: Okay. Yeah, a few weeks.
LOGAN: I'm looking forward to it.
RORY: Yeah. Me, too.
LORELAI: [Gasps] Oh, my God. Feel that.
LUKE: Feel what?
LORELAI: It's not sweltering.
GYPSY: Isn’t it great, they finally got air-conditioning. Now we don't have to sweat like pigs anymore.
[Petal comes running down the isle.]
LORELAI: Except Kirk's pig.
GYPSY: Hey, kiddo. I forgot to say welcome back.
RORY: I'm not back.
BOOTSY: Welcome back. Always knew you'd be back.
RORY: You were wrong, Bootsy, because I'm not back.
BOOTSY: You look back to me.
SOPHIE: Welcome back, Rory.
RORY: Really compare notes, people. Please.
BABETTE: Are you digging this air? First summer my pits aren't sticking like duct tape.
RORY: It's fantastic.
BABETTE: Hey doll you know about the Thirtysomething Gang? Yeah.
RORY: No, what's that?
BABETTE: It's a group of kids, all about your age. They've been to college, then out in the real world, and it spit 'em out like a piece of gum. And now they're all back in their old rooms, like you.
RORY: I'm not back.
BABETTE: And they all hang out together. That's them there. [Babette points them out and they wave.] So dig out your shoes and ball, 'cause tomorrow you're all goin' bowlin'.
RORY: I don't have a ball or shoes. Did you know about the Thirtysomething Gang?
LORELAI: Yeah, everyone does. Hey, guys!
RORY: Don't encourage this.
TAYLOR: All right, everyone, settle in, please. Hope you're all enjoying the nice, cool air in here. And I hope you'll enjoy the announcement I get to make tonight.
TOM: Sounds exciting.
BABETTE: Hit us with it, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, Stars Hollow is going to...
[A loud noise starts.]
LORELAI: What the hell is that?
LORELAI: The hell is that?
LUKE: I don't know what you're saying!
BABETTE: It's the air conditioner!
LUKE: That, I heard.
RORY: It feels like an earthquake!
LORELAI: Strawberry shortcake?
LORELAI: You said something about strawberry shortcake?
LUKE: Taylor, shut it off!
LORELAI: Now I'm hungry for strawberry shortcake!
TAYLOR: I can't! It turns on and off by itself!
BABETTE: This is gonna freak out the Thirtysomething Gang! They're very sensitive!
[The noise ends.]
LUKE: [Sarcastically] Might need a little adjustment.
TAYLOR: Back to my announcement, people. But first, a little backstory. Our summer tourist numbers are down. Even at the pool, revenues are off, which I attribute to the recent criminal activity involving the floaty hut.
LUKE: The floaty hut! What happened to my floaty hut?
LORELAI: I thought you didn't want people to know you donated it.
LUKE: I don't, but it's my floaty hut.
TAYLOR: Our Lazy Hazy Crazy Days of Summer event is coming up, and that'll help, but we thought a supersized event would generate fresh enthusiasm for tourists to visit. Therefore, I am pleased to announce Stars Hollow: The Musical!
SOPHIE: I love that!
BABETTE: Sounds fun.
TAYLOR: This will be an enchanting musical history of Stars Hollow. Book and lyrics by, uh, yours truly. Music by a very talented young composer. He once lived in Brooklyn. [Crowd Murmuring] Nat Compton. That's Nat sitting at the end of the first row. He'll be directing, as well. Let's give him a nice hand.
RORY: Whoa, give him a crystal sword, he's a White Walker.
TAYLOR: Our biggest hurdle will be finding our leading lady. She's got to be a great singer, a terrific actress, a nimble dancer, a dexterous whittler.
ANDREW: She has to whittle?
TAYLOR: Or fake it.
SOPHIE: How do you fake whittling?
BOOTSY: Yeah, they'd see there's no shavings coming off the wood. Come on, Taylor, production values matter.
TAYLOR: Now, what I need from you tonight are volunteers for the musical's advisory committee. You'll come to a couple of the shows, and give us any ideas that will help make it all that it can be. Who's in?
[The noise starts again, the townies covering their ears.]
LORELAI: It sounds fun.
RORY: What does?
LORELAI: The advisory committee. I'm gonna volunteer for it.
LUKE: You think you got the time?
RORY: I think he asked you if you have the time!
LORELAI: I gave it to him!
RORY: For the committee!
LORELAI: I'll make time.
BABETTE: I'm gonna sign up, too!
LUKE: Babette, please, warn us!
LORELAI: I think it sounds fun.
RORY: It sounds really fun.
BABETTE: I just hope the show is as successful as Taylor needs it to be!
LUKE: Once again, warn us.
BABETTE: It's really got to pack 'em in!
LORELAI: You know if Taylor really wanted to pack 'em in, he should get up on that stage and dance around in his floppy Taylor underpants.
[The noise stops again with the entire room hearing Lorelai’s last few words.]
LORELAI: [Quick pause] Was so out of context.
TAYLOR: So, who's up for being on the advisory committee?
TOM: Me, too.
SOPHIE: I'll do it.
TAYLOR: So, uh, Lorelai, Tom and Sophie.
BABETTE: I'm there, Taylor.
GYPSY: I can make it work.
DONALD: Me, too.
TAYLOR: Well, I'm loving the community spirit here. Um, schedules to be announced. Uh, now, our last issue, people. This unfortunately is less pleasant.
LUKE: So, we're back to the floaty hut?
BOOTSY: Who gives a crap about the floaty hut?
LUKE: I don't. I'm just curious.
BOOTSY: If you're so curious, why don't you marry it?
TAYLOR: After 89 years of continual operation, the Stars Hollow Gazette is shutting down.
RORY: Are you kidding?
GYPSY: I'm gonna miss the coupons.
BOOTSY: I'm gonna miss the poem on the front.
SOPHIE: Yeah, the seasonal poem.
RORY: Why is it shutting down, Taylor? Money?
TAYLOR: No, No, it was still operating in the black. But the paper's editor, Bernie Roundbottom.
LORELAI: [Chuckling] Come on.
TAYLOR: Bernie retired as editor, and there's no one qualified to take his place.
ANDREW: Oh, well.
DONALD: It had a good run.
SOPHIE: Eighty-nine years, not bad.
RORY: Really? Am I the only one who's in shock over this news?
TAYLOR: Well, I had discussed the possibility of the Gazette shutting down at an earlier meeting, before you were back.
RORY: I'm not back.
TAYLOR: And I figured the Thirtysomething Gang would've filled you in by now.
RORY: I don't hang out with them.
TAYLOR: So, unless there's other business anybody wants to bring up
LUKE: What about the floaty hut?
BOOTSY: Really, get a room.
TAYLOR: What about it? The floaty hut is broken and down for the season.
LUKE: Did they find the bums who broke it?
BOOTSY: I wonder what Luke and the floaty hut's kids are gonna look like.
LUKE: Will you shut up.
RORY: Excuse me Um, excuse me, everybody. [The Thirtysomething Gang listens closely.] Uh, most everybody. [The move back into there seats.] I gotta say, just shutting down the Stars Hollow Gazette like this, with all its tradition and history, without even putting up the tiniest fight, it just seems... [The noise starts again for a few seconds, then stops.] ...wrong.
TAYLOR: They're still closing. Have a good night, people!
LUKE: Wait. What about my floaty hut?
BOOTSY: It's waiting in bed for you buddy.
LUKE: Shut up, Bootsy.
LORELAI: I think your anonymous cover's blown.
LUKE: Well then screw it. If no one else gives a damn about it, then I don't either.
LORELAI: That's the spirit.
STARS HOLLOW SMIMMING POOL
RORY: [Southern Accent] My word, but it's sweltering today.
LORELAI: [Southern Accent] Sultry. That's what it is. Sultry.
RORY: Brandon, I'm out. [He gets Rory a fresh drink.] Thank you, Brandon. I'm just mad about the boy.
LORELAI: Ah, yes, lots of returning favorites today. There's old Butter Butt.
RORY: And our good friend, Back Fat Pat.
LORELAI: Tell me, is he of the Maryland Back Fats?
RORY: I believe he is.
[Luke walks over wearing a ‘Lifeguard’ t-shirt.]
LUKE: They did a job on that floaty hut.
LORELAI: Is it fixable?
LUKE: I'm trying.
RORY: Excuse me, Mr. Hasselhoff?
LUKE: I do not wanna talk about the T-shirt.
RORY: Then we will not.
LORELAI: A little to the right, Dewey, please. As the sun moves, Dewey, it would help if you moved the parasol with it.
DEWEY: Yes, m'lady.
LORELAI: I taught him to call me that.
LUKE: You're shameless. Hey! Yo, yo, yo! No diving off the edge like that! There's rules! All right, that's it. Everybody out of the pool. Right now. Come on. Out! Let's go.
LORELAI: You give a man a lifeguard T-shirt, it goes straight to his head.
RORY: I'm sleepy. I think I'll nap, Brandon. Yes, Khaleesi.
LORELAI: Ooh, that's good, too.
RORY: Night, night.
LORELAI: Hey, you're back!
RORY: I'm not back.
LORELAI: I'm talking to Michel.
RORY: Oh. Hi, Michel. [Waves without turning.]
MICHEL: Hello, Rory. Yes, I got back yesterday. How are things at the inn? Good?
MICHEL: Great. Frederick makes me come here and be around kids so I acclimate to them for when we make our own. Is that right, "make them"?
LORELAI: Or have them.
MICHEL: Whatever. Fatherhood is just going to be a lot of pretending for me. Okay, bye-bye.
LORELAI: Wow. He didn't even call to tell me he was back.
RORY: He's French.
LORELAI: It's way more than that.
RORY: You know, the Stars Hollow Gazette is the first newspaper I ever read.
RORY: The Gazette. My love of words came from that paper.
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
PAT: Hey, there.
LORELAI: Hey, Pat.
RORY: Oh, hi. Hi, Pat.
PAT: Welcome back, Rory.
RORY: Oh, I'm not back, fat I mean, back, Pat.
PAT: So you're pool people, huh? Never would have taken you for it.
LORELAI: Oh, you...
RORY: Uh no..
LORELAI: Just sometimes...
PAT: Well, got to get going.
RORY: Okay, see ya, Pat.
PAT: See ya.
RORY: It's just so stressful being here.
LORELAI: Dewey? Adjust.
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
DEWEY: That looks like fun.
OUTSIDE MISS PATTY’S
BABETTE: Okay, so we got all your info here. Hang on to your sheet music and knock 'em dead.
MAN: [Dancer] Hello.
MISS PATTY: Hello.
BABETTE: Hi, there.
LORELAI: Hi, Babette. Hi, Patty.
BABETTE: Shh, we're working here!
MISS PATTY: So you got your sheet music there, Mr. Tall, Dark and Yowza?
MAN: Yup, all set.
BABETTE: Name's Kevin? Nice, but I think I'll call you tomorrow.
LORELAI: Babette, no.
BABETTE: There's the line. Good luck, Kevin.
MISS PATTY: Wow, thanks a lot.
BABETTE: Yeah, that was a total clam jam.
LORELAI: [To Dewey] Don't encourage her.
BABETTE: Go. Go. Scram.
[The girls move on.]
CLAUDIA: Lorelai! Lorelai!
LORELAI: Oh, my God.
RORY: Do we know her?
LORELAI: Uh, Claudia.
CLAUDIA: Oh, my God. Hi!
CLAUDIA: Are you auditioning, too?
LORELAI: Oh, no, I was just passing by with my daughter.
CLAUDIA: Is this Rory?
LORELAI: It is. Yes, this is Rory. Rory, this is Claudia.
LORELAI: My therapist.
CLAUDIA: Hi. So are you involved in this?
LORELAI: I'm just on the advisory committee.
CLAUDIA: Hey can you put in a word for me with the director?
LORELAI: [Stammers] Absolutely.
CLAUDIA: Every bit helps.
LORELAI: I guess so.
LORELAI: So, break something.
[Claudia runs off happy.]
RORY: Isn't she supposed to fix you?
LORELAI: I think so.
RORY: You're totally screwed.
LORELAI: [Softly] Ugh.
TAYLOR: Oh, I'm on cloud nine. We've done it. We've found our leading lady.
LORELAI: That's great, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I couldn't believe her resume. Credits for days. She sings, she dances, she whittles. Just look at her. And look at those gams. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
LORELAI: Present company excepted, right?
TAYLOR: No, she's pretty much the hottest woman I've ever seen. Hmm. And she was Kinky Boots.
LORELAI: You mean she was in Kinky Boots.
TAYLOR: No, no, she played the lead. She was Kinky Boots.
LORELAI: But that's not her name. There was no character named Kinky Boots. I saw the show.
TAYLOR: Yes, I saw the show, too. Now, excuse me, ladies. I've got to get back to work.
RORY: Look at this, Stars Hollow is mounting a big musical, and no one from the Stars Hollow Gazette is covering it. And why? Because there is no more Stars Hollow Gazette.
LORELAI: It stinks.
RORY: It stinks? That's it? I mean the girl was Kinky Boots.
LORELAI: She was in Kinky Boots! Their is no character named Kinky Boots!
RORY: This is not right.
LORELAI: No. I saw the show twice.
RORY: The Stars Hollow Gazette cannot just go down. I mean, it's not Spotlight at the Boston Globe. It'll never blow the lid off a cabal of buggering priests. We only have one priest in town. He's a good man. That's not the Gazette's fault. I'll see you back at home.
LORELAI: Go get 'em!
CLAUDIA: [Performing on stage] Hey, world, you looking for me? Stop your pouting And get to shouting 'Cause Bernie's back today I've been gone so long And you can bet I've got a lot to say. Seriously, get comfortable.
[Lorelai walks of shocked.]
RORY: [Sighs Heavily] Taylor, do not close the Stars Hollow Gazette!
TAYLOR: Huh? What was that?
BRANDON: Khaleesi is speaking.
RORY: Bit's over, Brandon. Do not close the Gazette. It's a 90-year-old institution, and it's important to people.
TAYLOR: Well, tell that to Bernie Roundbottom. Marlin fishing in Boca Raton was more meaningful to that ingrate.
RORY: Well all it lacks is an editor, right? So, someone to steer the ship? I'm your girl!
TAYLOR: May I ask what your qualifications are?
RORY: I'm... here.
TAYLOR: Well, that's a good start.
RORY: I have a degree in journalism from Yale University. How's that?
TAYLOR: Not bad, but this job will take you away from the Thirtysomething Gang. Have you thought about that?
RORY: I will adjust.
TAYLOR: Should we discuss salary?
RORY: I assume it pays nothing?
TAYLOR: You got the job. Come, let's go introduce you to the staff.
RORY: Lead the way.
STARS HOLLOW GAZETTE
TAYLOR: [Clapping] Everyone, good news! We found our editor and the Gazette is saved. Some of you know her. Rory Gilmore, graduate of Yale and a professional journalist. She starts immediately. Now, it may take her a little time to learn all your names, but I want you to cooperate with her and give her 100% of your skills and capabilities, just as you did Bernie Roundbottom. Please, welcome her to the fold.
RORY: Hi, I'm Rory.
CHARLIE: [Feebly] Charlie.
RORY: Great. Got the names.
MICHEL: We have you in adjoining rooms eight and nine for four nights. And you are confirmed for tonight for dinner at 6:30. Oh, and please take this. Good for two complimentary cocktails.
MAN: Wonderful. Thanks.
MICHEL: But I do not want to leave anyone out. Is there anyone little here today? Anyone at all?
CHILDREN: [Together] We're little! We're little!
MICHEL: Oh! I did not see you there. For our special little muppets, complimentary lollipops. That is, if you like lollipops.
CHILDREN: [Together] Yeah!
MICHEL: Oh, boy. Go ahead, take one each. Now, when I say one, I mean two.
CHILDREN: [Together] Thanks you.
LORELAI: Thank you. Enjoy your stay.
MAN: Thank you.
MICHEL: Yes. [Sighs] On a scale of one to ten, how much did I sound like a child molester?
MICHEL: Oh, getting better.
MICHEL: Did you know I just celebrated a birthday?
LORELAI: Of course I did.
MICHEL: It was a big one. A milestone.
LORELAI: [Gasps] Fifty?
MICHEL: Forty. [Scoffs] I'm not 50.
LORELAI: You're not 40.
MICHEL: I'm not 50.
LORELAI: Michel, you weren't 17 when we met.
MICHEL: This is the problem with knowing people a long time. They can backdate you.
LORELAI: I'm guessing you're in the middle?
MICHEL: Somewhere, yes. So, maybe you can take me out for a drink tonight? To celebrate?
MICHEL: And talk?
LORELAI: [Gasps] Yeah, sure. Let's talk.
[Front door opens as Lorelai walks away.]
MICHEL: Oh, you must be the Mitchells! We were expecting you. Oh my, who is that little angel you brought with you? She looks like she dropped straight down from heaven.
WAITRESS: Hi, come on in. [She takes them to a table. Zack and Lane are playing quite background music.] Welcome to the Secret Bar. What can I get you?
LORELAI: Um Gin Martini. Cold, dry, twist, please.
MICHEL: Do you have the George Clooney tequila? The one he enjoys with celebrity friends on his many tequila-filled nights?
WAITRESS: We've got Jose Cuervo.
LORELAI: Does he hang out with George Clooney?
MICHEL: Bring me a shot of Jose, with a little bit of salt on the rim.
WAITRESS: Got it.
MICHEL: Thank you.
LORELAI: [Sighs Heavily] Pretty good crowd tonight.
MICHEL: Yes. Very lively.
LORELAI: So [Imitating Marlon Brando] "My wife is crying upstairs. I can hear cars coming in the house. Consigliere of mine, I think it's time you tell your Don what everyone seems to know."
LORELAI: It's from The Godfather.
MICHEL: Oh, not The Godfather again.
LORELAI: It has a quote for every circumstance.
MICHEL: You don't have a wife.
LORELAI: It's not exact.
MICHEL: And who's Don?
MICHEL: I'm leaving.
LORELAI: [Sighs] I'm out of quotes.
MICHEL: I was not just on vacation. I had a meeting at the W Hotel.
MICHEL: Look, with my experience, my skills, my charm, don't laugh.
LORELAI: Wasn't laughing.
MICHEL: Doors are open to me. Good jobs. High-paying jobs.
LORELAI: I can't say that I'm surprised.
[The waitress returns with their drinks.]
MICHEL: Thank you.
LORELAI: Thank you.
MICHEL: What I wanted to ask, before it's final, is there a way we can expand the Dragonfly? Make it bigger, add a spa. I was born to run a spa.
LORELAI: Michel, I've got a nature preserve on one side, a fire lane on the other side, protected wetlands on the other side, and I'm not allowed to put guests in the barn unless they eat oats.
MICHEL: Well, I need more. More to do. More responsibility. More money. We have a baby on the way.
LORELAI: You do?
MICHEL: Yeah, I think Frederick ordered one. I have to check. Anyway I can't just stay in one place forever.
LORELAI: I know.
MICHEL: I think I need to take that job at the W.
MAN: [Shouts from a distance.] Five-O!
[Everyone gets up and starts moving the chairs and tables, the lights go out and the gates are closed just as Taylor walks by. He stops for a moment before a kid on a bike distracts him and he walks on.]
[Lights back on and everyone goes back to where they were.]
LORELAI: What if I come up with more money for you?
MICHEL: You're overpaying me now. Part of my pay comes out of yours. You think Michel only sees as far as his own reflection? I see the books. I need more money. You need someone you can pay less. Can you deny that? What are you doing? Is your drink sour? What's going on?
LORELAI: I'm just trying not to cry.
MICHEL: Lorelai, don't cry. Because if you cry, I'll cry. I can't be seen crying at the Secret Bar. It's bad enough that I'm here at all.
LORELAI: I'm trying not to.
MICHEL: [Shouting] Lane, this dumb slow song is not helping. Play something happy and uplifting, please. It's much better!
STARS HOLLOW GAZZETTE
TAYLOR: I must say, it's been a while since I've felt such energy and excitement on the floor of the Stars Hollow Gazette newsroom.
RORY: Yeah, it's like an Aaron Sorkin movie in here.
TAYLOR: Are you not having fun? I think it's important to have fun.
RORY: Oh, I'm having fun. Right now, I'm experiencing the joy of MS-DOS.
TAYLOR: Well, if you're confused, Esther here is our computer expert.
RORY: What do you know about MS-DOS?
ESTHER: Is that an actor?
ESTHER: Well, I have the instructions here Mr. Roundbottom gave me. Hold on. "Turn computer on. " Did you turn it on?
RORY: I did everything but blow in its ear.
ESTHER: "Insert floppy disk. " You got your floppy disk?
RORY: Never mind, Esther.
ESTHER: Happy to help.
TAYLOR: Huh, something is not adding up here.
RORY: Let's get out the company abacus and figure it out.
TAYLOR: You're printing the poem on the cover, yes?
RORY: The poem?
TAYLOR: Oh, yes, a poem. There's been a poem on the cover of the Gazette celebrating the season in every issue we've ever published.
RORY: I know. I'm an avid reader. I was just thinking of going another way.
TAYLOR: Another way. Okay. Editor's choice, I guess. I'll leave you to it.
RORY: See you later, Taylor.
TAYLOR: Coffee pot needs washing.
RORY: And a jackhammer.
LORELAI: [Walks in the office.] Oh, hello, Taylor. Just came by to visit my little Perry White.
TAYLOR: Now, she's working. Don't distract her too much.
MAN & WOMAN: [Outside in the distance.] Five-O!
LORELAI: I've had a long day. A very long day.
RORY: Me, too.
[Rory opens a draw and pulls out a bottle and glasses]
LORELAI: A magical desk. Tell me, is this Scotch old?
RORY: Judging by the "Save for VE Day," scrawled on the label, I'd say yes. Bottoms up. [The girls drink then put the glasses down with force.] Oops, we woke Charlie up.
LORELAI: I just left Michel at the Secret Bar. It's final. He's leaving.
LORELAI: He's giving me three months to find someone to replace him. Claims it may not be enough time.
RORY: Always humble, our Michel.
LORELAI: I'm really gonna miss him.
RORY: Me, too. [Cell phone vibrates, Rory groans.]
RORY: Come on.
LORELAI: You haven't broken up with him?
RORY: Let's have another round tonight. [They have another drink.] Shoot! Woke Charlie up again.
STARS HOLLOW GAZZETTE
RORY: Well, we did it, folks. Our first issue of the Gazette is ready to hit the stands.
ESTHER: It's not my first issue.
CHARLIE: Or mine, neither.
RORY: Well, no, but it's mine. And it's an accomplishment. A milestone. We should open some champagne.
ESTHER: Gives me gas.
RORY: Hey, question. What's the next step?
RORY: Where do the papers go?
CHARLIE: All the businesses in town get a stack.
RORY: Yes, but who delivers the stacks?
DRAGONFLY INN KITCHEN
LORELAI: How's it going in here?
LUKE: Fine, if Eric would run plates while they're hot!
LORELAI: Customers cornered him out their, he'll be right in.
LUKE: Oh good great. Eric's chatting out their about the Red Sox while the food's getting cold?
MICHEL: Oh, he hates the Red Sox.
LUKE: And you. I'm mad at you.
MICHEL: Why are you mad at me?
LUKE: You know why.
MICHEL: Are you doing this? Are you siccing the mountain man on me?
MAN: The couple from New York wants to know if the meat is Pat LaFrieda?
MAN: Is it Pat LaFrieda?
LUKE: The couple from New York at table six wants to know if I ground up some guy named Pat LaFrieda and served him on my burgers? You know what tell them yeah. And give them this. They'll like it. I put Pat's pancreas in there.
LORELAI: Luke, hon, have I thanked you lately for hosting Tuesday Burger Day at the Dragonfly?
LUKE: There's no need.
LORELAI: But if it's driving you crazy.
LUKE: I'm fine.
LORELAI: You don't seem fine.
LUKE: I'm just trying to keep a few things going.
LORELAI: Okay. [Answers her cell phone.] Hi.
RORY: I need help.
LORELAI: With what?
RORY: Gazette. Now. Bring walking shoes.
LUKE: You know I have a business!
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: But instead of being there, running Luke’s diner, I'm here having conversations about whether or not I ground up some Italian guy and served him in my burgers.
LORELAI: Pat LaFrieda is a New York butcher.
LUKE: Hire a chef.
LORELAI: I will.
LORELAI: Uh, I'm gonna go get one right now.
LUKE: Wait. Are you just gonna leave me here? Hello? Eric? Somebody? Hello?
STARS HOLLOW GAZETTE
RORY: Got the list?
RORY: Shoes on tight?
RORY: Let's do this. [They exit the newsroom.] You take the west side, I'll take the east.
LORELAI: Got it.
RORY: Where are you going?
LORELAI: That’s west.
RORY: That's east.
LORELAI: That's west.
RORY: It's not. See? Eastside Dental. It's east.
LORELAI: And the name of the dentist at Eastside Dental is...
RORY: Dr. Eastside. Holy cow, I just put that together?
LORELAI: Look, you take that side of town, I'll take this side.
[Montage of the girls delivering the gazette to the song “These Boots Are Made For Walking” by Nancy Sinatra.]
BABETTE: Rory, wait!
RORY: What's up, guys?
GYPSY: Where's the poem?
RORY: Didn't have room for the poem.
GYPSY: You didn't have room?
BABETTE: But the poem is great.
GYPSY: The poem is traditional.
BABETTE: Now there's just words.
RORY: Those are articles.
BABETTE: Who reads the Gazette for the articles?
LANE: Thanks for coming. We appreciate your business. [To Lorelai.] You look exhausted.
LORELAI: Calling in reinforcements.
STARS HOLLOW GAZETTE
LORELAI: Okay. I'll take the west side, you take the east side. That's west.
DEWEY: That's east.
LORELAI: [No longer having fun.] Dewey, I am telling you that is the west side.
BOOTSY: Nope. There's 38 here. I'm supposed to get 40.
RORY: I'll come back with two more.
BOOTSY: I can't accept partial delivery.
RORY: You can and you will.
BOOTSY: Bernie Roundbottom never conducted business like this!
RORY: Well, there's a new Bernie Roundbottom in town!
[Lorelai dumps some deliveries in a trash bin.]
TAYLOR: Shellfish gets better with age, Mrs. Cassini. Everyone knows that. [To Rory as she chucks delivery of the Gazette bundle on the counter.] Already got a complaint from Bootsy. Looks like you shorted him.
RORY: I don't care!
TAYLOR: And people are missing the poem! Just a heads-up! [Checks the cover and doesn’t like it.]
[Lorelai recovers the copies she put in the trash.]
RORY: Hey. What are you guys up to?
WOMAN: We're doing "I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!"
MAN: It's from There Will Be Blood.
RORY: The movie?
MAN: Mm-hmm. We love everything Paul Thomas Anderson does.
WOMAN: We're the Thirtysomething Gang!
RORY: See ya. [Leaves quickly. Answers her phone outside.] Hello?
DOYLE: Rory. Doyle. [In his Apartment.]
RORY: Hey, Doyle. What's up?
DOYLE: Oh nothing much with me. What's up with you ruining my movie review in the Gazette?
RORY: Doyle, please. I'm in the middle of my route.
DOYLE: I was doing you a favor, right? You'd asked me if I'd like to contribute something? I said yes, help out an old friend, and then you butchered it like a piece of veal.
RORY: Doyle your review of The Jungle Book took a 20,000-word detour into the history of African colonialism.
DOYLE: So you're gonna get all anti-intellectual now?
RORY: 5,000 of those words were adjectives.
DOYLE: Who says adjectives are bad?
RORY: You, when you were my editor at Yale.
DOYLE: I'm writing a couple things for Michael Bay, and he's really into adjectives.
RORY: So you trust the grammatical stylings of Michael Bay over me?
DOYLE: Are you saying I'm a sell-out?
RORY: No, I'm not.
DOYLE: Because I played snooker at his house last night, and he's a really cool guy.
RORY: I don't have time for this Doyle.
DOYLE: What idiot got rid of the poem?
LORELAI: Hi. [Surprised]
WOMAN: We've been meaning to introduce ourselves to you. We get together a couple times a week, read our kids' Resumes, trade job tips, just offer general support. We're the parents of the Thirtysomething Gang.
LORELAI: See ya. [She bolts]
RORY: [Sighs] Are you kidding me?
LANE: She was here about 20 minutes ago.
[Rory calls Lorelai on her cell phone.]
LORELAI: Hey, there.
RORY: I just found newspapers at Mrs. Kim's.
LORELAI: [Phone.] I just found newspapers at the dentist's. So there.
RORY: [Looks across the town square.] Oh! For the love of. We're hitting the same spots!
LORELAI: Well, then stop hitting the east side, Rory!
RORY: [Shouting, no phone.] No. I'm hitting the west side!
LORELAI: [Shouting, no phone.] No! Dewey said this is the east side!
RORY: [Shouting, no phone.] That's the west side!
LORELAI: [Shouting, no phone.] We need a better system!
OUTSIDE SODA SHOPPEE
ALL: I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!
ESTHER: Going to the gym?
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. I just gotta go home and get my stuff.
ESTHER: Great. I'll see you there.
LORELAI AND LUKE’S KITCHEN
RORY: Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
RORY: Ouch! [Grunts] Ouch! Ouch, my feet bloody hurt.
LORELAI: Ow! Ow! Ow!
RORY: What's wrong?
LORELAI: My feet hurt.
RORY: I told you to wear comfy shoes.
LORELAI: Even comfy shoes cannot offset the effects of the Bataan Death March. Ow!
RORY: This walking thing is for chumps.
LORELAI: I have newfound respect for people who deliver things. Next time I see the Lou UPS guy, I'm gonna make him happy.
LORELAI: [Sighs] I want a raise. [Grunts]
RORY: Talk to my office manager.
LORELAI: Who's your office manager?
LORELAI: Hey, I want a raise.
RORY: There’ll be a year-end review, maybe I'll throw you a little something.
LORELAI: Did we order Chinese, Greek and Italian food last night?
RORY: And hot dogs.
LORELAI: Ugh. Last night's a blur.
RORY: What did we end up watching?
LORELAI: Ah, Was it Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear, or Co-Ed Call Girl?
RORY: No I'd remember if we'd rocked a Spelling.
LORELAI: Hey they should make a Lifetime movie out of Tori Spelling falling at Benihana. Teppanyaki: Grill of Death.
RORY: That reminds me, I need to call Grandma.
LORELAI: [Scoffs] Oh, yes. When I think of blistering third degree burns, I also think of my mother.
RORY: [Walking to the living room, making the call.] Ouch! Ouch!
RORY: It's Rory.
EMILY: Oh! Rory. Hello.
RORY: Are you okay?
EMILY: Uh, I guess. I I just need some coffee. Berta, have the cousins bring me coffee!
RORY: Did I just wake you up?
EMILY: No, I was just dozing.
RORY: Are you sick?
EMILY: No, I I'm fine. What time is it?
RORY: It's almost noon.
RORY: Noon is when dock workers and rock stars get up. Are you doing some moonlighting I don't know about?
EMILY: Uh, no. Where are my glasses?
RORY: Listen, I'd like to come see you. When are you free?
EMILY: I don't know. What day is it?
RORY: It's Saturday.
EMILY: Well, I have a DAR meeting on Thursday, but other than that, I'm free.
RORY: Okay so maybe I'll...
EMILY: Wait a minute. Hold on. Berta, was that the door? I'm sorry, Rory. I have to go.
[Rory walks back to the kitchen.]
RORY: Ouch! Ouch!
LORELAI: I kind of dig it. It's like you're wearing a cowbell.
RORY: Well, dig this. Grandma was asleep, and it's almost noon.
RORY: I woke her up! Are you hearing me? I woke up Emily Gilmore at noon.
LORELAI: I heard.
RORY: It's weird.
LORELAI: It's weird.
RORY: [Scoffs] Thanks for the support you've given her. That's been really helpful too.
LORELAI: Hey! She's the one who quit therapy and drove that poor woman into show business for Gods sake.
RORY: You're a child.
LORELAI: Get used to it.
RORY: I have to head to the Gazette. News never sleeps. Ouch!
LORELAI: Ouch! Ouch!
LORELAI: Ouch! Ouch!
RORY: Ouch! Ouch!
TAYLOR: Welcome, everyone, to the first run-through of Stars Hollow: The Musical. This is a special preview performance for our advisory committee, and for a few select friends and family. I think you're all in for a real treat. But first, some business. What you see here today needs to remain strictly confidential. But rather than having good neighbors such as yourselves sign some cold legal document, how about you all raise your right hands and repeat after me? I, Stars Hollow theater lover...
ALL: [Right hands raised] I, Stars Hollow theater lover...
TAYLOR: hereby swear that I will not divulge any portion of this show in any way...
ALL: hereby swear that I will not divulge any portion of this show in any way..
TAYLOR: out of respect for the hard-working creators of this musical, so help me God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whatever it is you pray to...
ALL: out of respect for the hard-working creators of this musical, so help me God, or Allah, or Buddha, or whoever it is you pray to...
TAYLOR: Wow! Are we excited about this!
ALL: [Happy] Wow! Are we excited about this!
TAYLOR: No, uh, people, the repeating part is over. Now you'll see that the show is a little rough, but Nat and I have put our hearts and souls into this, haven't we, Nat?
[Nat doesn’t look excited.]
BABETTE: He needs more fiber, that boy.
GYPSY: Or last rites.
TAYLOR: Now under each of your seats is a pen and clipboard with sheets of blank paper, ready for your feedback. Feel free to jot down any critique or suggestion any time during the show. And now, sit back, relax, and enjoy Stars Hollow: The Musical!
[They clap excited. The lights dim as the musical starts. Woman on stage with he back to the audience.]
CARL: [Man Enters, then grunts as he gets a drink.]
VIOLET: [Woman on stage.] One more for the road, huh?
CARL: Can't a man enjoy a glass of whiskey after a hard day's work here in Stars Hollow?
VIOLET: A man can. But there's no man in this room.
LORELAI: What the
LORELAI: But, look at the...
CARL: You were always a sly cat, Felix. But your talons have dulled. [Tosses a glass, doesn’t break.]
VIOLET: A cat has nine lives. And all of mine are in the past!
VIOLET: I wish I was in the past. It's better than any future with you!
CARL: Low blow!
VIOLET: What's happening?
CARL: I don't know!
VIOLET: Hold on! [whimpers]
[Discordant music as the actors change cloths on stage.]
[Music stops suddenly, both actors start humming. Then singing and dancing.]
LORELAI: No. What?
BOTH: We're working on building, Working on building Stars Hollow We're working on building Working on building Stars, Stars Hollow.
VIOLET: This redwood tree, it soars so high It touches God in heaven. We'll hack it into a dining room set That'll easily seat eleven.
BOTH: Working on building Working on building Stars Hollow. We're working on building Working on building Stars, Stars Hollow.
CARL: There's a river over there Got to move it over here Gonna kill a lot of beaver Gonna cull a lot of deer There's no EPA So we'll do it our way.
BOTH: Stars Hollow!
CARL: Got a hatchet and an ax And a hammer and a knife.
BABETTE: The guy is hot.
CARL: And a red hot poker And a super sharp scythe Got a dagger and a mallet And a really big rock
BOTH: Stars Hollow! Got a hatchet and an ax And a hammer and a knife Got a red hot poker With a super sharp scythe [Everyone is enjoying it except Lorelai.] Got a dagger and a mallet And a really big rock Stars Hollow! [Vocalizing, big ending.]
[The audience is loving it and claps enthusiastically, except Lorelai who only claps at the end still confused.]
CARL: What a night! [Shivers] It's nothing but ice out there.
VIOLET: Well, come inside. Warm yourself.
CARL: Here, take my musket and ammunition while I pour myself a drink.
VIOLET: My God! Your balls are frozen!
CARL: It must be ten below out there.
VIOLET: But you're all right. My brave soldier.
CARL: Not so fast with the encomiums! [Throws the cup, again it doesn’t break.]
LORELAI: [Whispers] Encomiums. Encomiums?
CARL: We stood there all night, but the British never came. [Shivers] I'm not the man you think I am.
VIOLET: But you are.
CARL: Go on.
[Piano playing. They start singing again.]
VIOLET: You are me in pants.
CARL: And you are me in a dress.
VIOLET: It fits a bit askance.
CARL: I've tried it on, I confess.
[Lorelai more confused.]
VIOLET: We met so awfully cute.
CARL: And you were ripe and curvy
VIOLET: You brought me a crown of citrus fruit
CARL: Which I hoped would cure your scurvy
BOTH: It's a love, love Love revolution, In a revolutionary time.
VIOLET: You are like no other, because you are my brother.
CARL: But that's no crime.
VIOLET: Not yet.
CARL: Thank God
BOTH: Lafayette! It's a love, love, love revolution. In a revolutionary time.
[They do a little dance.]
VIOLET: We'll raise cows and pigs.
CARL: And get honey from a hive.
VIOLET: We'll have 14 kids.
CARL: And hope that three will survive.
[Lorelai has almost had enough.]
VIOLET: It's a war-torn time and I'm smelling you, and I want to rip your threads off.
CARL: Let's have sex a lot Before the British Blow our heads off.
BOTH: It's a love, love, love revolution In a revolutionary time. It's a love, love, love revolution. In a revolutionary ti Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-hime!
[They dance some more before the play ends with a gun shot. The audience claps while Lorelai writes some notes.]
TAYLOR: All right. Hold tight, everyone. We have a quick costume change, and next up, the Industrial Revolution.
LORELAI: Hey, can I borrow your pen?
DONALD: Sure. Why?
LORELAI: Advisory committee.
VIOLET: [On Stage] Well, here we are. 1891.
CARL: [On Stage] Did you hear about the new sport that this Dr. James Naismith created? It'll never catch on.
VIOLET: [On Stage] What's it called?
CARL: [On Stage] Basketball.
[The Audience laughs]
CARL: I had an idea today. For an invention.
VIOLET: What is it?
CARL: A machine that would wash your dinner dishes automatically.
VIOLET: That's a wonderful idea!
CARL: I'll build the factory here in Stars Hollow.
VIOLET: We'll be rich!
CARL: As long as the workers stay complacent.
VIOLET: And non-rhythmic.
[New performer enters the stage as Hip-hop music starts playing.]
VIOLET: Wait a second.
CARL: I say!
MAN: Let me tell you what I'm talking about.
LORELAI: Oy vey.
MAN: Hey, yo! Look, I'm rappin' Just like Hamilton on Broadway. This is an odd way yo tell the town story. Depict the town glory and get you to follow me to Stars Hollow, see.
LORELAI: [To herself] No, no.
MAN: Magnetic, yo! I'm just like Magneto Last night I held a meeting underneath the town gazebo. We had sandwiches and talked all night. And at the end we all voted to "Strike! Strike!"
CARL: Young man, you must know this will ruin Stars Hollow.
VIOLET: And for me, all your rapping is kind of hard to follow.
MAN: Yeah, Lin-Manuel had to deal with this give it time, just trust your ears will adjust you gave me the mic and I'm gonna rock it.
[A brief pause, some in the audience clap while Lorelai is furiously writing comments about the show. New scene with another costume change.]
VIOLET: The world is a terrible place.
CARL: There's junk mail and terrorism, tiny airplane seats.
VIOLET: New weird viruses, really small print and tank tops.
CARL: Anything by Jeff Koons.
CARL: Not the food
VIOLET: Those Occupy
CARL: What restaurants charge for wine.
VIOLET: And Putin
CARL: And Putin
VIOLET: And Putin
CARL: And Putin
ALL: [On stage] And Pu-Pu-Pu-Pu-Putin [More dancers come on stage.] What's there not to love about the town of Stars Hollow? With its twinkle lights, friendly people, ample parking and historic steeple
VIOLET: Our sunsets are the best, the kids are just adorable.
CARL: Our sewer system's new.
ALL: [On stage] Our leash laws are enforceable. So what's there not to love about the town of Stars Hollow Hollow, Hollow, Hollow Hollow, Hollow, Hollow, Hollow Hollow, Hollow, Hollow, Hollow [Tap dancing].
LORELAI: No. Come on.
DONALD: Lorelai, what is your problem?
LORELAI: What's next, a kickline?
LORELAI: No. No.
[The audience clap as the dances start a kickline.]
LORELAI: I'm Nostradamus.
ALL: [On stage] There's everything to love about the town of Stars Hollow, Stars Hollow, Stars Hollow!
[The performance ends, most of the audience are happy cheering and clapping.]
LORELAI: Okay. Well, uh [chuckles] Wow! Where are we gonna meet to go over this? [The lights go out.] What's happening?
GYPSY: Sit down!
LORELAI: Ooh. Sorry.
[The performers return to the music of ABBA.]
ALL: [On stage] Waterloo, I was defeated you won the war
LORELAI: Oh, no. Gotta be kidding me.
ALL: [On stage] Waterloo Promise to love you forevermore
[The Audience stands to join in.]
BABETTE: You're not getting up?
LORELAI: I guess I am.
DONALD: You're not gonna clap?
LORELAI: Yes I am. [Sarcastically] Yay.
TAYLOR: So, this is the zero hour, people. It's been a lot of hard work, and Nat and I are certainly proud of what we've accomplished thus far. But now, I need to hear from my trusted stable of advisors, and I want the unvarnished truth, warts and all. So hit me with it. Hold nothing back. We can take it.
SOPHIE: This show is fantastic!
TAYLOR: Ah! I knew it!
BABETTE: Simba, you've been dethroned. Bow to the new king.
DONALD: It moves. It breathes.
GYPSY: Add an orchestra, you can take it straight to Broadway.
BABETTE: School of Rock. Bunch of schlock. This show gets an "A."
TOM: I know nothing about musicals, but this is a fun musical.
TAYLOR: The book was terrific, too.
BABETTE: Tevye, move over. There's a new Jew in town.
TAYLOR: Well, it seems like we've got unanimity here. Or do we?
TAYLOR: You're awfully quiet. And you've been writing an awful lot on your clipboards there.
TAYLOR: Clipboards? You needed more than one clipboard?
LORELAI: Hey, Babette was writing a lot, too.
BABETTE: I was writing my funny zingers. Hasa diga eebowai, you Mormon nerds. Audiences are ringing a new doorbell! I got 26 more of these.
TAYLOR: So, I guess we're waiting for your opinion?
LORELAI: Right. Well I think for a first run-through, it was yeah.
TAYLOR: "Yeah" is not an opinion.
SOPHIE: Didn't you think it was charming? I thought it was charming.
LORELAI: I did. I thought it was charming. I, uh, just had a few questions and maybe a few suggestions.
DONALD: What's your suggestion? Make it less perfect?
TAYLOR: Now, now, people, I asked for the unvarnished truth. Let's hear Lorelai's notes. Lorelai?
LORELAI: Okay. So, first, that opening scene with her black eye, the whiskey, the weird, gritty whatever it was. What was that about?
TAYLOR: The opening scene is an excerpt from a play I wrote in college that happened to be blessed by my mentor, the great Edward Albee. You may know him as the author of a little something called Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
LORELAI: You worked with Edward Albee?
TAYLOR: Yes. I was at Joe Allen one night, years ago, and I dropped the script on Albee's table with my phone number and asked him to call me with notes. Any notes at all that would make it better than it was. And he never called.
GYPSY: Congratulations, Taylor.
LORELAI: So, Edward Albee's eating at Joe Allen, you drop a script at his table, he never calls, and that makes him your mentor?
TAYLOR: You just don't understand the theater community.
LORELAI: I guess not.
TAYLOR: I have dinner reservations in ten minutes, are you done?
LORELAI: What about the rapping?
SOPHIE: What about it?
GYPSY: Is this getting racial?
DONALD: A little.
LORELAI: No. No. It's not racial. Just Isn't it way too Hamilton?
TAYLOR: Hamilton's a smash.
SOPHIE: It won a million Tonys.
LORELAI: Yes it's very popular, but doesn't that make what we're doing derivative?
TAYLOR: So, because Hamilton has rap numbers, no one else in the world can rap? You will be so kind as to let RZA and Busta Rhymes know that they're not allowed to rap anymore?
GYPSY: How does he know those names?
LORELAI: What about the Civil War number with the revolving stage? What was the point of that?
TAYLOR: Again, Hamilton utilized a revolving stage and it worked like gangbusters.
LORELAI: But ours looked like a lazy Susan. Carl and Violet should dress up as condiments.
TAYLOR: Condiments? Hmm, Nat, that's something we should kick around.
LORELAI: That's not the point.
TAYLOR: That number got a standing O, and it's one of Nat's favorites. If you want to cut it, you'll have to pry it out of his cold, dead hands.
LORELAI: I don't think there's any other way to pry something from Nat. But, to be clear, no one else is bothered by these detours?
TAYLOR: Okay if there's nothing else
LORELAI: Sorry, the lead girl. Can we talk about her?
SOPHIE: Who? Violet?
DONALD: What do you want? For her to be less perfect?
BABETTE: She was Kinky Boots!
LORELAI: Just the part she plays. I mean her character goes from scene to scene, falling in love with every guy from a different era.
GYPSY: So? Sex sells.
BABETTE: She was Kinky Boots.
LORELAI: She has sex, like, 26 times in the show! That's a lot of friction. A fire was gonna start down there.
TAYLOR: I didn't know you were such a prude.
LORELAI: I'm not a prude.
GYPSY: You counted how many times she had sex.
BABETTE: She was Kinky Boots!
LORELAI: So, everybody likes her? Violet.
TAYLOR: Methinks the town stable has one mare too many for Lorelai.
SOPHIE: She has a beautiful voice.
BABETTE: And she was Kinky Boots!
LORELAI: Babette, I love you, but Kinky Boots was a show, not a character. And she was in the road show, not the Broadway show. And she wasn't Kinky Boots. She was Trish, the factory worker!
BABETTE: I'm right next to you. You don't have to yell!
LORELAI: I'm not yelling. Am I yelling? Look, last thing. Abba?
TAYLOR: Ah! Thanks for reminding me. We all love the Abba songs. But my attorney warned me that doing the nine Abba songs at the end might entangle us in some messy litigation. Now, I've got a call in to Benny Andersson and BjÃrn Ulvaeus of Abba.
LORELAI: You have their numbers?
TAYLOR: But have yet to hear back.
SOPHIE: You know, Taylor I've written some songs. Sorry.
TAYLOR: No. No, Sophie, go ahead.
SOPHIE: I've never done anything with them, but you can have them for free to sing at the end, if you like.
TAYLOR: Well, that's very nice, Sophie. Are they catchy?
SOPHIE: I could play one for you.
SOPHIE: [Singing at the piano] I feel the earth move under my feet I feel the sky tumblin' down A-tumblin' down I feel my heart start to tremble...
TAYLOR: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Um, That's not catchy.
SOPHIE: Yeah, you're right. Sorry.
LORELAI: Honestly, everyone here is just throwing encomiums at this thing. Mondo encomium! It's all swell? I'm an island? Guess I'm an island.
TAYLOR: And I can just make my reservation.
[Taylor gets up and leaves, followed but the others.]
MISS PATTY’S EXTERIOR
VIOLET: You don't like me.
LORELAI: [Gasps] Oh, you scared me. Violet.
VIOLET: You don't like me.
LORELAI: That's not true.
VIOLET: Have you ever performed? Been in a musical? Taken this risk?
LORELAI: No. Well, once. I was Lucy in You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. I was awful that one night Charlie Brown accidently kicked me instead of the football and the crowd cheered.
VIOLET: So I wasn't Kinky Boots, okay? I was Trish. It's a featured role.
LORELAI: It's a great role.
VIOLET: Well, I went on a lot. In Boston. Boston's a big-ass town.
VIOLET: Everybody's a critic.
LORELAI: Well, it was my job.
VIOLET: [Lights up another cigeret.] Mm, well. I got to go. Opening night's in a week. Thanks for the doubts.
LORELAI: [Shouting] You're a terrific tap dancer!
VIOLET: I don't need your validation!
WOMAN 1: It's quite a find.
WOMAN 2: It's a hell of a find. Excuse my language. Don't you think, Emily?
EMILY: Oh, yes. Yes, quite a find!
WOMAN 3: And it was a yard sale. Not even a thrift shop.
WOMAN 4: It was at the bottom of a box, under an old toaster and a broken Slinky.
WOMAN 3: I'd drop by more yard sales myself, but you have to step into people's yards.
WOMAN 1: Oh, with their trampolines and their "Kiss the Gardener" signs.
WOMAN 4: With your approval, I would like to petition the national board to fund the purchase of a top-notch display for the diaries of Abigail Franklin.
EMILY: After we authenticate them, right?
WOMAN 4: Hmm?
EMILY: We can't repeat what happened with the bogus Federalist Papers.
WOMAN 2: Where the word "Federalist" was misspelled.
WOMAN 1: We stopped that check just in time.
WOMAN 4: Very well, then. Post-verification. All in favor? [They all raise their hands.] Excellent. I'll get the process started.
WOMAN 1: Emily, these puffs Are they crab?
EMILY: Do they taste like crab?
WOMAN 3: I don't know.
EMILY: Neither do I. Berta makes things, and I just eat them.
WOMAN 4: She doesn't tell you what they are?
EMILY: Oh, no, she tells me.
WOMAN 3: Oh, my goodness! Is it three o'clock already?
WOMAN 4: I have a hair appointment.
WOMAN 2: Me, too.
WOMAN 1: Same here.
EMILY: I guess the meeting's adjourned.
WOMAN 4: Goodbye, darling.
WOMAN 3: Sorry to dash.
WOMAN 1: Lovely meeting, dear.
EMILY: Mm-hmm. Thank you. [To Rory.] Well, this is a surprise. Did I know you were coming? Did I forget? Have I officially become an old woman?
RORY: No, not you. Never. I just popped by to see if you were home.
[They walk inside.]
BERTA: [Taking to the DAR Ladies.] No, no, no, Senora Emily Berta no know anything, anything.
EMILY: They're gonna miss their hair appointments, and it's all their fault.
RORY: Uh, Grandma. [Stopping at the living room.]
RORY: There's a TV in here.
EMILY: Yes, there is. So would you like something to eat? I have Berta puffs from today and some mystery soup from last night.
RORY: No, I'm fine. Grandma, why is there a TV in here?
EMILY: One of Berta's cousins heard me talking about a live opera that was coming on, and it was during dinnertime, so they brought it down and set it up for me.
RORY: You ate in the living room?
RORY: On this? It's a Duncan Phyfe!
EMILY: I didn't eat on the coffee table. They set this up for me. [Pulls out a folding TV tray.]
RORY: Am I being punk'd?
EMILY: You're being dramatic.
RORY: Grandma, have you been getting out of the house at all?
EMILY: Of course I have. I'm not a shut-in.
RORY: I mean socializing. Not just running errands. Are you getting together with people?
EMILY: I was just with the girls.
RORY: I don't mean DAR meetings. Have you been doing anything fun?
EMILY: Yes, I'm full of fun.
RORY: You were asleep at noon the other day.
RORY: Well it's not like you. I mean do you go to the club? You and Grandpa loved the club.
EMILY: I'm not even sure if my membership is up-to-date.
RORY: Well, renew it.
RORY: You're too young to be eating in front of a TV tray, watching Matlock.
EMILY: Matlock isn't on anymore.
RORY: It's in repeats.
EMILY: I'm watching PBS, not Matlock. I'm not 90.
RORY: That's my point. Maybe you should go out at night, mingle, dance a little, have fun.
[Hearing Berta still talking to the DAR ladies.]
EMILY: I should go save the ladies. Berta, they have to go. They all have hair appointments.
RORY: We had a debate about Andy Griffith. Alive or dead? Then we finished off the finger sandwiches.
LORELAI: Something must have gotten through, because she actually e-mailed me. First contact in ages.
RORY: She said she would. What's it about?
LORELAI: Something fun. Your grandfather's gravestone.
RORY: Why would she e-mail you about that?
LORELAI: There's a new one on the way.
RORY: What happened to the old one?
LORELAI: You mean "ones." Um Let's see. The first one had the Longfellow quote right, but without attribution to Longfellow. Got chucked. The second one had the attribution, but she wanted a dash preceding it. Got chucked. The third one fell off the delivery truck. That's not on her. Got chucked. The fourth one had the dash and the Longfellow, but no quotation marks around the quote. Got chucked. This is number five.
RORY: Does she want us to proof it?
LORELAI: I don't know, Rory. She just wants us there.
RORY: Okay. So we'll go. Right? Mom? Grandma asked us.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: I'm worried about her.
LORELAI: Okay. Fine. We'll go.
RORY: TV tray in the living room.
LORELAI: Is what I originally named you.
STARS HOLLOW GAZETTE
RORY: Rory Gilmore. Yes, thank you. We've gotten a lot of positive feedback for putting the poem back on the cover. They are inspiring. Yes, I'd say we don't have our heads up our backsides anymore. Uh-huh. Thanks for calling.
[Hangs up and looks around the newsroom.]
JESS: No cigar? I pictured you chomping a fat cigar.
RORY: Doctor told me to cut back. Esther, Charlie, this is Jess. He's Luke Danes' nephew.
ESTHER: I remember you, punk.
JESS: Good to see you again, Esther. [Sitting down.] You, too. What's it been? Four years?
RORY: Maybe more. When did you get in?
JESS: Just now. I'm meeting Luke. We've got Mom maintenance to do. You hear she and T. J. accidentally joined some cult?
RORY: And that vegetables were involved.
JESS: And an eight-million-year contract.
RORY: I heard it was six.
JESS: As editor of the Gazette, you have better sources than me, Mr. Roundbottom.
RORY: What? [Jess turns the name plate around.] Oh.
JESS: Can't wait to hear how you got the job.
RORY: It was the usual thing. I submitted my resume, plus samples of my work, I was thoroughly vetted, there were several interviews. Plus complex negotiations over salary, benefits, parking.
JESS: You asked Taylor?
RORY: Pretty much. [Rory turns of a hanging photo.] I don't want him to see me like this. It's good to see you.
JESS: You, too.
RORY: How about some lunch?
JESS: Sure. [Rory pulls out the bottle from her desk.] Very Lou Grant.
RORY: Last time I checked, grain was a food group. [Hands Jess a glass.] Bottoms up.
JESS: Roundbottoms up.
RORY: So, how are you? Luke says the book press is going great.
JESS: It's doing okay.
RORY: So you got Dave Eggers is shaking in his boots?
JESS: [Chuckles] If Dave Eggers even knows we exist, I'd be happy.
RORY: And in other stuff? Personal life?
JESS: Stable. Nothing permanent. What about you?
RORY: Oh, damn.
JESS: Did you just write "break up with P"?
RORY: How about a second course?
[Land-line phone rings as Rory pours the drinks.]
RORY: Esther, would you get that?
ESTHER: I'm filing something.
RORY: I didn’t want to say you've been filing that same piece of paper for a long time. But when you started, Nora Ephron felt good about her neck.
ESTHER: Do you still want me to get it?
RORY: No. I could've been a contender.
JESS: You're still a contender.
RORY: Oh yeah? I'm broke. Busted. Beggared. I have no apartment. No car. Hell my license expired three months ago.
JESS: Get out of here.
RORY: Everything I own is in boxes, scattered around three different states. I have no job. I have no credit. I have no underwear.
RORY: I can't find that box!
JESS: So just buy some new ones.
RORY: Are you listening, man? I'm broke.
JESS: I'll lend you the money.
RORY: This isn't about you lending me money to buy underwear. This is about my life! People come up and smell me.
JESS: And what are they smelling?
RORY: Failure. Headmaster Charleston told me to go get my master's so could come back and teach at Chilton. He could smell it. I went and interviewed at a website that I hate. They passed. They can smell it.
JESS: No one's smelling anything.
RORY: Maybe Paris will let me be a surrogate. She's always liked my teeth.
JESS: Slow down.
RORY: It's probably too late. I've aged out.
JESS: Stop. This is a rut. It's temporary.
RORY: Or not.
JESS: You're a writer. Ruts are normal.
RORY: My friend Doyle's a Hollywood writer now. He's always telling me to write a spec script.
JESS: You're not writing a spec script.
RORY: He gave me a copy of The Mysteries of Laura. Is that a show?
JESS: You need to write something that you're passionate about.
RORY: What is that foreign concept you speak of? "Passion"? Is that really a thing?
JESS: You just got to find the thing that makes you feel, so that your readers feel it. What makes you feel?
RORY: Did I tell you I lost my wallet?
JESS: [Leans forward] You should write a book.
RORY: Ugh, thanks for the Naomi Shropshire flashbacks. Lovely.
JESS: I know what you should write.
JESS: Write about you and your mom.
JESS: It's a cool story. It's got a point of view. It's something only you can write. Think about it. I gotta go. Thanks for lunch.
[Jess goes outside and Rory watches from her desk as he greats Luke, taking his baseball cap and tossing it. Rory turns the photo back over.]
[Later Rory is using the Gazette’s archive and finds a story about when they arrived in town.]
One Week Later...
LORELAI: Thanks, guys. Looks great.
BERTA: [In here language] Hello, Lorelai.
BERTA: [In here language] They are waiting for you on the patio. Lots of things going on here. The cousins are here and they have their own ladders. It's exciting. Mrs. Gilmore is so kind, the nicest woman I've ever met They're right outside.
LORELAI: Thank you.
LORELAI: Hi, sorry I'm late. [Stops in here tracks when she sees a man with Emily.] Hello.
JACK: Hello, there.
EMILY: Jack, this is my daughter, Lorelai. Lorelai, this is Jack Smith.
LORELAI: Nice to meet you.
JACK: We've met.
LORELAI: Have we?
EMILY: At Richard's service. Jack spoke.
JACK: I was a good friend of your father's. Spent many an hour with him on the golf course.
JACK: Great man.
LORELAI: Yes. He was a golf player. Great. He was a great golf man.
JACK: Sit down, ladies. I made a pitcher of Gimlets with a vodka I brought back from Russia. It's wonderful. Want to try some?
EMILY: Rory didn't come with you? Lorelai?
EMILY: Yes, you.
LORELAI: Uh, she's coming separately.
EMILY: Jack has offered to drive us all to the cemetery.
LORELAI: How nice of him.
JACK: Well, it's a hard day. You know, I just want to help. Here you are, ladies. Enjoy.
EMILY: Thank you, Jack.
LORELAI: So, who are you? I Or, what, where, how do. What do you do, Jack?
JACK: Well, I'm mostly retired. Venture capital. I go into the office every now and then. They hide from me. [laughs]
LORELAI: And what is the the but the the blank blank
LORELAI: Uh, it just flew out of my head.
JACK: Is your drink all right?
LORELAI: Oh, yeah. It's very Gimlety. I'm thirsty. Parched. I'm gonna grab some sparkling water.
JACK: Ah, I'll get it.
LORELAI: Oh, no, that's okay. You stay there, Jack. I'll, um, bring some for all of us.
EMILY: You'll be right back?
LORELAI: I'll be right back.
STARS HOLLOW GAZETTE
LORELAI: Where are you?
RORY: Oh, hey. I'm at the Gazette. I lost track of time.
LORELAI: Well stop the presses, because I've got your new lead story.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Your grandmother better buy herself a new TV tray.
LORELAI: She has a boyfriend.
LORELAI: Ugh, Jack. Jack Smith. New Daddy Jack. I'll put you on speaker. I have to google something.
RORY: Oh, come on. He can't be her boyfriend.
LORELAI: Well, he's struttin' around like he is. Sitting next to her, all cozy, mixing cocktails at Dad's drink cart.
RORY: The patio cart or the living room cart?
LORELAI: The patio cart.
RORY: Oh well, that's not so bad.
LORELAI: How is that not so bad?
RORY: The patio cart's an auxiliary. I associate Grandpa with the living room cart.
LORELAI: Dad used both carts! I associate both with my departed father. Oh, great. There's 54 million Jack Smiths. Of course that's his name.
RORY: Add Connecticut to it.
LORELAI: Yeah, got it down to two million.
RORY: Jack is short for John. Search John Smith.
LORELAI: Now my phone's just laughing at me.
RORY: Where does she know him from?
LORELAI: The club.
RORY: Oh, she went back to the club?
LORELAI: And he was at Dad's funeral. Dad wasn't even in the ground, and Jack was there, spraying his scent all over Mom. I am in shock. Are you in shock?
RORY: Yeah, I'm in shock.
LORELAI: I thought she'd sworn off the club. She hasn't been there in ages.
RORY: Well, I may have encouraged her to go back.
LORELAI: To the club?
LORELAI: You pimped out my mother?
RORY: I didn't pimp her out. She was getting very isolated.
LORELAI: Rory you sent a vulnerable, wounded turtle into a nest of horny, gray-haired honey badgers.
RORY: I thought she would play backgammon!
LORELAI: Now, thanks to you, she's out there sipping a gimlet with Jack the Zipper. I can’t believe you're missing this.
RORY: I told Grandma I'd meet you at the cemetery. I'm working on something.
LORELAI: Oh, what is it?
RORY: It's a surprise. I I'm excited about it but I want to tell you in person.
LORELAI: Good. I want to hear something that won't make me queasy.
LORELAI: I gotta go. Oh, uh, we'll see you later.
LORELAI: Rory's gonna meet us at the cemetery.
EMILY: Do you have a problem?
LORELAI: I mean, who is this guy, Mom?
EMILY: Jack Smith.
LORELAI: What do you know about this Jack Smith?
EMILY: I know everything. We've been friends for 30 years.
LORELAI: Friends, huh? Playing some golf, sipping bub at the club?
EMILY: What are you babbling about?
LORELAI: You don't know him.
EMILY: Oh, for Pete's sake.
LORELAI: I mean, what is he after?
EMILY: Nothing. Why?
LORELAI: I ain't saying he's a gold digger.
LORELAI: Mom, you're a catch. You're vulnerable. You have money.
EMILY: He has more.
LORELAI: I ain't saying you're a gold digger.
EMILY: Jack is a widower and we are friends. I can't have friends?
LORELAI: Of course you can.
EMILY: Friends are for other people, not for me?
LORELAI: It's just weird to see him here. I'm processing. Maybe it's good. Maybe it's good that you're moving on.
EMILY: Oh, I see. It's good that I'm moving on because now I'm someone else's problem.
EMILY: You won't have to worry about me because now I have a man in my life.
LORELAI: I didn't say that.
EMILY: You're released from all responsibility.
LORELAI: I didn't...
EMILY: You've forgotten about your father?
LORELAI: Help me with the Segway’s here.
EMILY: I'm not dismissing Richard by spending time with Jack. I'm not just moving on.
LORELAI: Okay. I didn't. Let's not leave Jack and the auxiliary cart waiting out there.
EMILY: Where's Luke today?
LORELAI: I'm never skipping breakfast again.
EMILY: Is he going to call me about that real estate we saw?
LORELAI: What real estate?
EMILY: I took that "partner" of yours to look at potential franchise locations. It was your father's dying wish. He wanted to give Luke a leg up.
LORELAI: Luke does not need a leg up.
EMILY: I spent half a day with him. Nice to know he doesn't mind wasting a grieving widow's time.
LORELAI: When was this?
EMILY: He didn't tell you?
LORELAI: Yes, he did.
EMILY: Do you and that partner of yours even talk?
LORELAI: Yes, always. Constantly.
EMILY: Could have fooled me. [Awkward silence] We need to go. [Walking off] Jack, we should be going.
RORY: [To Lorelai.] So, that's the honey badger?
LORELAI: That's him.
RORY: How was the drive?
EMILY: Hello, honey.
RORY: Hi, Grandma. [They hug.]
EMILY: Jack is gonna wait for us in the car. Shall we?
LORELAI: Yeah. Okay.
[Short time later they are looking for Richards grave.]
LORELAI: I thought we took a left at the Gundersons.
RORY: I thought it was a sharp right at the Turners.
EMILY: I know the way. Stanley.
STANLEY: Good afternoon, Mrs. Gilmore and ladies.
EMILY: Hello. Are we all set here?
STANLEY: Yes, we are. [Takes a cover of the tomb stone.] It was newly polished this morning. The coal gray is just the right shade, there's a dash in front of the Longfellow
EMILY: There are single quotation marks.
LORELAI: Here we go.
EMILY: Around the quote it was supposed to be double quotation marks.
STANLEY: Of course it was.
EMILY: It was always correct before this. Why would you change it?
STANLEY: I am going to look into this.
EMILY: I'm coming with you. This is ridiculous. This is the fourth one.
EMILY: Stay here.
[Getting quieter as they walk off.]
STANLEY: Maybe we can get someone on-site to carve them into double quotation marks.
EMILY: Five stones and five mistakes. What is going on here?
STANLEY: The third one did fall off the truck.
RORY: I think the single quotes look fine.
LORELAI: Let her have what she wants.
RORY: Grandma's still got your back, Grandpa. Well, this gives me a chance to fix his flowers. You take these. So, what do you think of Queens?
LORELAI: Well the monarch or the guys who are fun to hang out with?
RORY: The borough. I've been looking at apartments. I think I'm gonna try Queens. It's the hot place.
LORELAI: What about Brooklyn?
RORY: Brooklyn's done.
LORELAI: Oh, I'm so behind.
RORY: You get more space in Queens. I want a bedroom and a dedicated writing space, especially since...
LORELAI: Is this the top-secret Manhattan Project you've been working on?
RORY: Could be.
LORELAI: Ooh, happy news. Tell, tell.
RORY: Well, it's a book.
LORELAI: You bought one?
LORELAI: Borrowed one?
LORELAI: Burned one?
RORY: No. I'm writing a book.
LORELAI: Really? Nutty Naomi changed her mind?
RORY: Oh, no, I'm writing this solo. No crazy collaborators.
RORY: I know, right?
LORELAI: So, what's it about? I'm dying to hear. Sorry, just an expression.
LORELAI: Is it a love story? A mystery? A feel-good puppy, kitten, pony, raccoon travel across country to enter a cow in the county fair story?
RORY: It's non-fiction.
LORELAI: So is the puppy, kitten, pony, raccoon, cow county fair caper.
RORY: No animals, no capers. It's about me and you.
LORELAI: Me and you?
LORELAI: And do we fight crime?
RORY: [chuckles] It's about our relationship. Our mother-daughter thing. The friend thing. It's our journey, and the journey you took before I was born.
RORY: Maybe I glossed over it too much. Just picture this. It starts. You're 16, you're pregnant. You're packing up to leave Grandma's house. It's a riches-to-rags story. It's got everything. Family struggle, class warfare, the independent woman thing. From there, I'll tell the story chronologically, or jump back and forth a bit. I haven't decided yet, but
RORY: What do you mean, "no"?
LORELAI: No, I don't want you to write that.
RORY: You don't understand. Let me pitch it again.
LORELAI: I get it. No.
LORELAI: Because it's my life.
RORY: It's our life.
LORELAI: Yeah you write your side of it.
RORY: My side.
RORY: And who would I be talking to?
LORELAI: I don't know, Mrs. Muir. Find a ghost.
RORY: Mom, come on. I have to do this.
LORELAI: You don't have my permission.
RORY: We should go somewhere else.
LORELAI: The dead don't have ears.
RORY: But there are people behind us.
LORELAI: [sighs] Where is this coming from? What inspired you?
RORY: I was frustrated. I was talking to Jess...
LORELAI: Jess? How the hell did he get into this?
RORY: He was here visiting Luke.
LORELAI: Oh, great. I'm looking forward to Jess' take on me. That's terrific.
RORY: It's not his take on you.
LORELAI: Sorry, kid. Write about something else.
LORELAI: Write about your relationships. You and Jess and Dean.
RORY: They'll be in it, too.
LORELAI: Don't forget to include Logan, the guy you just can't quit.
RORY: It's not fair.
LORELAI: It's my life, Rory. I went to all this effort for many, many years, making sure people only knew what I wanted them to. Now you're gonna put it all in a book? I don't want my mother finding out I left you in a bucket in a hardware store in chapter six.
RORY: Are you kidding me?
LORELAI: You're 32 years old. She'll still petition the court to have you taken away.
RORY: This is such an overreaction.
LORELAI: Oh Really? Do you know that your grandmother called you Susan until you were two years old?
RORY: She did not.
LORELAI: In fact write a book about that, a woman who leaves a baby in a bucket and her own mother takes her to court. It's a perfect Lifetime movie. Maggie Smith can play the mother.
RORY: Mom, come on.
LORELAI: You didn't think this through, kid.
RORY: No, I did think this through. I am not a kid. This was not a whim. I sat down last night and outlined the first five chapters just like that. That's a sign.
LORELAI: What sign?
RORY: That this is it. This is what I am supposed to do.
RORY: I'm sorry. I have to. Without this, it's grad school or groveling for jobs that I don't want.
LORELAI: Find another subject.
RORY: So I shouldn't do something that could change my future because you don't want Grandma to know you left me in a bucket. That's what this boils down to?
LORELAI: More or less.
RORY: But you did leave me in a bucket!
LORELAI: You know what? Do whatever you want, Rory. You're a big girl. I can't stop you.
RORY: No, that's not how you and I work. We don't do passive-aggressive. That's how you and your mother work. You should be on my side. I need this. Can't you understand that?
LORELAI: I understand. I always understand. For the last 32 years, I have been the queen of understanding.
RORY: Mom, stop. Please, give me this.
LORELAI: I can't. Not this time.
RORY: Tell Grandma that I will check in on her later. So much for the happy news!
LUKE: Hey. How did it go today? We're hoping number six will be the charm.
LORELAI: Ugh, no coffee?
LUKE: No, these people are getting ready to leave. They're not having coffee.
LORELAI: I want coffee.
LUKE: You'll make a pot and drink a cup. It's a waste.
LORELAI: I'll drink the whole pot.
LUKE: You're not gonna drik the whole pot.
LORELAI: So, I'll get a doggy bag and take the leftover coffee home. What's the problem?
LUKE: I'm just saying
LORELAI: Is the world out of coffee?
LORELAI: Is Colombia pissed over Narcos and holding out?
LORELAI: How much longer are you gonna be like this?
LORELAI: You've been grumpy for months.
LUKE: No, I haven't.
LORELAI: Yes, you have.
LUKE: Can we talk at home?
LORELAI: This is home.
LUKE: Lorelai come on. I'm just trying to work here.
LORELAI: Why didn't you tell me you looked for franchise locations with my mother? Is that something someone hides? I was caught out today. I don't like being caught out.
LUKE: Oh, you don't like being caught out?
LUKE: Why didn't you tell me you weren't going to therapy with your mother anymore?
LORELAI: [sheepish] I don't know.
LUKE: Why'd you hide it?
LORELAI: I don't know.
LUKE: She hasn't been going for a while. That's what she said.
[Both getting louder for the whole diner to hear.]
LUKE: So where have you been? If you guys aren't doing therapy, where are you on those days, days you say you're in therapy?
LORELAI: I was still going.
LUKE: You're still going.
LORELAI: By myself.
LUKE: Oh, okay. Yeah.
LORELAI: You don't believe me?
LUKE: I believe you.
LORELAI: Uh, Luke.
LUKE: I don't know, okay? I don't know.
LORELAI: Where do you think I was? Having a hot affair at 10:30 every Tuesday morning? That's early for a nooner. Let's see. Who could it be with? Uh, maybe the morning food delivery guy? Or Lou, the guy who wears a wool cap even in summer?
LUKE: I don't know who that is. I don't know anything.
LORELAI: I'm not having an affair.
LUKE: Of course not. You're going to therapy by yourself. I mean, your mother dragged you into it kicking and screaming, but then you fell in love with it and you threw her out of the sessions. Makes perfect sense. Can I get you anything else?
MAN: I'd actually like a little coffee.
LUKE: Oh, for the love of.
LORELAI: You really don't believe me?
LUKE: I don't know what to believe.
LORELAI: You want to call my mother and have her confirm the story?
LUKE: No! I don't want to call your mother. I don't call your mother. You know, we struck a deal.
LORELAI: What deal?
LUKE: You've got your life, and I've got mine. You keep your crazy family away from me and I'll keep my crazy family away from you!
LORELAI: Really? That's the way it is? That's how two people who are partners are supposed to be?
LUKE: What the hell is this? What is going on here?
LORELAI: Why is everything so separate with us?
LUKE: How the hell would I know? You set it up.
LUKE: Yeah. Our lives were set up by you. I just went along with it.
LORELAI: How the hell did that happen?
LUKE: I don't know. Ask your therapist!
LORELAI: My therapist is understudying the lead in the moronic musical! I'm done with my therapist.
LUKE: You set it up, and I went along, and that's how it works. Now we're in the middle of my dinner, arguing, and everybody's going outside with their food and drinks.
LORELAI: Where are you going?
LUKE: Where? I've got muffins in the oven at the inn for tomorrow because Sandra Lee canceled. Because she talked to Ina Garten, who said, "Don't go to the Dragonfly Inn. It's awful!" Sandra's had a tough couple of years. She doesn't need to be embarrassed by you! [Luke exits.] It's on the house tonight. Go! Go!
RORY: She was unbelievable. Right out of left field, crazy Lorelai face appears. I mean I've seen it before, but usually its when somebody cuts off her car or at a shoe sale.
LANE: I saw it once when Marla Tipton's mom called you illegitimate. She winged those brownie bites at her with scary accuracy.
RORY: A book. She totally freaked out over a book.
LANE: So weird.
RORY: She knows I'm a writer. She knows everything is fodder. Write what you know. You know what I know.
RORY: Lorelai, yes. And me. And our life. I know that crap like the back of my hand. It would be so good but she just wouldn't listen.
[Rory dials a number on her cell phone.]
LOGAN: [In his London apartment.] Hello?
RORY: I just called Logan.
LANE: What? Why?
RORY: I don't know. [stammering] It just happened. Like a reflex. Oh, my God. This is what I do. I get upset and I call Logan. Well, what I used to do, because now she might answer.
LOGAN: What she answers his cell phone?
LOGAN: Hello? Rory?
RORY: Crap! I did it again.
LANE: Are you kidding?
RORY: No. [scoffs] Dial 911. I'm going insane. This is who I am now? I mean that person you knew in your youth, who was smart and together, she's been chewed up and spit out by this thing we call life. You'll never see her again.
[Cell phone rings.]
LOGAN: What is going on?
RORY: Ah! Damn it! [Chucks the cell phone away.]
LANE: Oh. Look, okay, you need to relax. You want a Lipitor? Zach got some.
RORY: No, I don't need Lipitor. I need to be 20 again. You should have seen us yesterday. It was so awful. We were just in the middle of a cemetery, yelling at each other. There were mourners all around us.
LANE: Well, their day wasn't so fun anyway.
RORY: What am I gonna do?
LANE: Well, she'll calm down.
RORY: [chuckles] She looked at me the way she looks at Grandma. That hurt. And, I mean I don't know what I was thinking. I mean, of course she wouldn't want me to write about us. I just I couldn't acknowledge it because I want to do this so badly. I'm exhausted.
LANE: Am I in this book?
RORY: Oh, don't start. [Cell phone vibrates.] Of course.
LANE: No, I got it.
RORY: No, Lane.
LANE: Hey, stop calling.
LOGAN: What are you talking about? She's calling me.
LANE: yeah well it's a reflex and we're gonna kick it. We've got Lipitor, so you won't hear from her ever again.
LOGAN: Lane just put her on the phone.
LANE: No, not gonna happen.
RORY: Lane give me the phone.
LANE: No. I'm protecting you for some reason.
RORY: It's okay.
RORY: [To Logan] Hey.
LOGAN: So what is going on?
RORY: Nothing. Bad day.
LOGAN: Yeah, I heard about the cholesterol problem.
LOGAN: Come on, Ace. You called me a bunch today and four times last night. You hung up every time. What is it?
RORY: Nothing. I had a thing with my mom.
LOGAN: Well, talk to me. I'm here.
RORY: I was just upset at her and I was needing to vent, and I realized I can't call you anymore.
LOGAN: I gotta take this outside.
RORY: Because she's there.
RORY: She's there.
RORY: That's why.
RORY: So, I guess we should say goodbye.
LOGAN: If that's what you want.
RORY: Don't make this my thing.
RORY: So that's it? We're breaking up. Except we can't break up because we're nothing.
[Rory hangs up and slumps in the couch]
RORY: [sniffling] God.
LANE: This adult stuff is hard, isn't it?
RORY: I wonder if the Thirtysomething Gang goes through crap like this.
TAYLOR: [On the phone] Lorelai, it's Taylor. You're probably not interested in the musical anymore, but out of politeness, I'm letting you know that Nat Compton and I went on retreat to Cape Cod last weekend, and we've come up with a new song. I'm inviting everyone on the advisory committee to come by Miss Patty's tonight and give it a listen. But please, please leave the 'tude at home.
VIOLET: [Singing] I know how everyone else's life is supposed to fly by, Then someone turns and says what about you? And I stand here mouth open mind blank.
[Others from the advisory committee look at Lorelai as she takes her seat.]
VIOLET: This should have all worked itself out by now. The map of my life should be clear and precise, with little red dashes and circles so nice showing roadblocks and land mines. Oh, I am not unbreakable. I am breaking right now, maybe everyone can't have the dream, maybe everyone can't kiss the frog, maybe it'll be me and a dog and the little stuffed dolphins on the floor and a little dog door. Oh, I am not unbreakable, I am breaking right now, I need to be unbreakable, Somehow, It's never or now.
[Lorelai is tearing up.]
BABETTE: This is a cut.
GYPSY: What a bore.
[The others leave and we see Lorelai, head bowed sitting alone in the studio.]
LUKE AND LORELAI’S HOUSE
LUKE: In here! This shelf is driving me crazy. It wobbles. I'm just trying to shore it up.
LORELAI: Right, good. Um. We need to talk.
LUKE: I'm kind of in the middle of this thing.
LORELAI: I have to tell you something.
[Sensing something Luke stops and turns around.]
LUKE: Okay, tell me.
LORELAI: I'm going away.
LUKE: You're going away?
LORELAI: And I might be gone for a while.
LUKE: What's a while?
LORELAI: A few weeks.
LUKE: A few weeks?
LORELAI: Maybe longer.
LUKE: Lorelai, what is this?
LORELAI: I'm gonna do Wild.
LUKE: I don't... You mean the movie?
LORELAI: The book.
LUKE: What's the difference?
LORELAI: The movie took liberties. The book is more pure. I'm gonna do the book.
LUKE: But what does that mean, you're doing Wild?
LORELAI: I'm going to go to the place.
LUKE: The Pacific Crest Trail?
LORELAI: And I'm gonna walk it.
LUKE: Or hike it.
LORELAI: Sure, let's go with that.
LUKE: That trail's 2,000 miles long.
LORELAI: I won't do it all.
LUKE: And it's a trail.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: It's outdoors.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: It's in nature.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: There's dirt, bugs, animals.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: Mosquitos, rivers.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: You have to carry your own backpack.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: By yourself.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: You can't take Dewey and Brandon.
LORELAI: Their mothers wouldn't let me.
LUKE: You have to sleep on the ground.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: You cook your food.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: You boil your own water.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: You get water from a stream.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: That's in nature.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: Well, I guess you know what's out there. And you're still gonna go?
LORELAI: Because it's never or now.
[Camera pulls back and we see Luke alone in the kitchen.]
END PART 3 SUMMER
Written By Daniel Palladino
Transcribed by Craig Best for http://www.crazy-internet-people.com/site/gilmoregirls
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