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A Year In The Life - Spring - (155)
This was transcribed by Craig Best
[Lorelai and Emily are on a couch in a therapy session.]
LORELAI: I would like to say that I was wrong. And I'm very, very sorry.
EMILY: About what?
LORELAI: What do you got?
EMILY: Oh, good grief.
LORELAI: What? Mom! It was a blanket apology. I think that's very generous. Plus, it's retroactive. So, enjoy.
EMILY: A blanket apology. Claudia, is that even allowed?
CLAUDIA: Everything is allowed here. Feel free to apologize, scream, cry, complain, argue. Anything short of physical confrontation.
LORELAI: There goes my next thing.
EMILY: Did I not tell you? And now you've brought the room to a halt.
LORELAI: Like it was a Penn and Teller show before?
EMILY: Oh, that mouth.
LORELAI: Mom you were the one complaining that I wasn't saying anything. Without my mouth, how do I speak? To quote Alanis Morissette, "Isn't it ironic?"
CLAUDIA: Do you know what that means?
LORELAI: Claudia, let the record show, I broke the silence here today, okay? She wasn't saying anything either. Write that down in your scorebook.
CLAUDIA: I am not keeping score.
EMILY: But the apology was completely insincere. Put that in your scorebook, too. She should not get points for that.
CLAUDIA: I'm not keeping score.
EMILY: It's insulting to apologize unless it's for something specific, okay?
LORELAI: Okay, sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. How do I get out of this?
EMILY: Lorelai, listen to me. We are here today so that Claudia can meet you and see the two of us together. That's it. Stop pressing.
LORELAI: [Sighs] Okay. How much time do we have left?
CLAUDIA: About 40 minutes. Psst.
SPRING OPENING CREDITS
EMILY: [Whispers] How much time do we have...
EMILY: Stop asking that!
LORELAI: Why, did I bring the deafening silence to a halt again?
EMILY: Just bring a watch next time, or an egg timer. Just stop bothering her.
CLAUDIA: Can I, uh, jump in here?
CLAUDIA: You're not prisoners. Neither one of you. And there are no rules. So talk or don't talk. Because there's a lot being said in the silences.
EMILY: What is being said?
LORELAI: Is that what you're writing?
EMILY: Do we get to see those notes?
LORELAI: Who's winning?
CLAUDIA: No one's winning, and my book is confidential.
EMILY: If you're trying to read Claudia's watch, I'm gonna throw you out that window.
CLAUDIA: Well, ladies, I'm afraid time's up.
LORELAI: Yes! [Throwing her hand up in the air.]
EMILY: I don't believe it.
EMILY: You ran out the clock.
LORELAI: So did you.
EMILY: Today was for you to speak, not me.
LORELAI: I spoke. You gave me credit, right?
CLAUDIA: That's not what I'm doing here.
EMILY: Fine we'll just have to start over next week. We're on for Tuesday at 10:30.
LORELAI: I can't make it.
EMILY: You have something more important to do?
LORELAI: Just my life, Mom.
EMILY: I'm sorry. I didn't wanna burden you with this, but I guess I have to.
LORELAI: Oh, boy.
EMILY: Your mother is in pain. A widow in pain.
CLAUDIA: I think that's a good place to stop.
LORELAI: That's a terrible place to stop. She doesn't get to go out like that, does she with the bazookas blasting.
CLAUDIA: I have somebody waiting.
EMILY: So this is an intrusion. Is that what you think? My big bazookas are intruding on you?
EMILY: Doesn't it mean anything to you, that I am this raw nerve appealing to my only child to help me through this period?
LORELAI: So 10:30.
LORELAI: Well, she used that maneuver. Write that down.
STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE
LORELAI: Let's start with Swedish meatballs, then some Peruvian salchipapas and then Indonesian rice porridge.
LUKE: Head straight for the Norwegian stomach pump.
RORY: It all looks good. Shoot. I have to leave in a half hour.
LUKE: Wow-wow wait, you can't leave. I have to leave in half an hour.
RORY: Luke I have a plane to catch.
LUKE: I gotta get back to the diner. Who's gonna stay with her?
LORELAI: Am I four?
RORY: I can watch her if you need to go back to the dinner, but you need to be back in less than 45 minutes to relieve me.
LORELAI: I have been successfully eating by myself for five or six years now. Plus Gypsy's over there. She can watch me.
RORY: Oh, yeah.
LUKE: That'll work.
LORELAI: Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?
TAYLOR: It's a disaster.
KIRK: Some of our cuisines didn't show up.
LORELAI: You got a good turnout.
TAYLOR: We advertised an international food festival, all 195 countries represented. And a paltry 15 showed up. Kirk, what happened?
KIRK: Well, Guam had a last-minute parent-teacher conference, Kazakhstan had car trouble.
TAYLOR: I told Kazakhstan to get a ride with Poland if that happened. Oh, does no one listen?
KIRK: Bangladesh's kid has an earache, Chad has acid reflux, Brazil's niece has a soccer game, Turks and Caicos got foot fungus, and Singapore is just being a dick. Other than that, 127 countries never got back to me.
TAYLOR: People are going to have to expand on the cuisines they're offering. Grab your flags. I'm calling an audible. Israel, grab some yams and crayfish. You're also Papua New Guinea.
KIRK: Italy, add Slovenia, Tibet, and the islands of Kiribati. Let's hustle, people.
RORY: I'm gonna hang out in Korea.
LORELAI: I'm gonna get a cup of Kofi Annan. That's a little international humor.
RORY: Very little. See ya.
LORELAI: Ooh, this looks good. What's this?
LUKE: That's the compost heap.
LORELAI: Oh. I'm really hungry.
[Rory sits down with Lane.]
RORY: How's things in the Koreas?
LANE: Oh, and Guam and Bulgaria? Great.
MRS KIM: Move, move, move. Stop. Line up. Oh, hello, Rory.
RORY: Hello, Mrs. Kim.
MRS KIM: Uh, this is Mama's new choir. Fresh off the boat. I'm getting them ready for the circuit. Now, sing.
[They sing very badly.]
LANE: They sound good, Mama.
MRS KIM: Please, they suck eggs.
LANE: Language, Mama!
MRS KIM: No, I mean all they do is eat. Eggs, bread, fruit. The toilet paper they go through. I don't want to know what they do with it. Sing out, Louise Pang!
RORY: [cell phone vibrates.] Um Hello?
SANDEE: Rory Gilmore? Sandee Martin from SandeeSays. You get the basket?
RORY: I did. Hi, Sandee.
SANDEE: Those muffins? The raspberry? Don't you want to make love to them?
RORY: Multiple times, yes.
SANDEE: Now when am I getting you to join my team?
RORY: Sandee that's so flattering. I don't think..
SANDEE: No! This thing we've got here, it doesn't end till I hear a yes.
RORY: I'm just kinda busy now.
SANDEE: Of course you're busy. You're Rory Gilmore. But I've got plans to overtake Huffington Post in a year, and I need your voice at SandeeSays to do that.
RORY: Sandee, thank you. The site is really great. I just don't think I can devote the time right now. I'm on my way to London...
SANDEE: We'll pause. Talk to you soon.
[Gypsy at her food stand.]
GYPSY: Small plates, high prices. That's just the way I roll, pal.
TAYLOR: Gypsy, whip up a quick poutine. You're taking over Canada.
GYPSY: Whip up a what?
[Lorelai and Luke approach the gazebo.]
MAN: So we have $27 bid on Cassie's beautiful basket. Do I hear a $28?
LORELAI: Hey, let's bid.
LORELAI: Basket bidding was part of our early romance.
LUKE: Why would I want Cassie's basket?
LUKE: Dirty. I know.
LUKE: She doesn't want you eating her basket. I'm gonna stop talking now. We have a bid of $28. Do I hear $29?
LUKE: You're bidding against yourself.
LORELAI: It's for a good cause. $30!
[Mrs Kim’s choir singing badly again.]
LANE: Okay the tambourine is scaring them.
MRS KIM: They'll get used to it. Just like electricity at night.
RORY: Your mother is a woman of vision.
LANE: Always. Oh, hey, my dad's here.
RORY: Oh, hi, Mr. Kim.
[Jackson’s food stand.]
JACKSON: Hey, Lorelai. Hey.
LORELAI: No Sookie?
JACKSON: Oh, she wanted to come, but something started sprouting from the steps to the backyard. She wanted to see if it was edible. I'm not kidding.
TAYLOR: [Out of breath.] Jackson, you're the Virgin Islands and Qatar. Burundi, I need to talk to you!
JACKSON: Do I want to know what that was about?
LORELAI: I'd stay out of it.
JACKSON: Okay. It's probably best.
[Kirk arguing with another food stand.]
PHAN: What's the big deal?
KIRK: What's the big deal? Do you not have eyes?
LUKE: Kirk, calm down. What is the problem?
KIRK: This man is the problem.
PHAN: It's a classic Vietnamese dish.
KIRK: It's pig genocide and nothing less.
PHAN: It's delicious.
KIRK: Do you wanna take this inside?
PHAN: What does that mean?
KIRK: We're outside, sir, so we can only take this inside.
LUKE: Calm down, Kirk. Come on, man. It it's not Phan's fault. A pig is food.
KIRK: Et tu, Luke?
LUKE: But I saw you inhale a BL at the diner yesterday.
LUKE: A BLT is lettuce, tomato, and.
KIRK: I'm a monster.
LUKE: Sorry, Kirk.
KIRK: Oh, God. Oh, God.
[Lorelai sitting on the lawn with Cassie.]
LORELAI: Mmm. Mmm. I know I'm not the one you wanted eating your basket, Cassie, but this is really good.
NAOMI: Red and rashy. All over my chin, all down my neck. You can't see it 'cause of the makeup. It's this weather. Oh, one more, love. Are you good?
RORY: This is just water.
NAOMI: It's like winter is Hitler and my skin is Poland. Come April, my face is like one of Shakespeare's first folios. You don't have these problems, do you?
RORY: I'm lucky.
NAOMI: Oh, your cheeks are like two white apples. [Pinching Rory’s cheek.] Look at her cheeks. [Stops a waiter.] Tell me you don't want to take a bite out of those cheeks.
WAITER: I do.
RORY: Okay. So, uh, Naomi.
RORY: I was thinking maybe we could talk about the theme of the book.
NAOMI: That would be me. I mean, I'm the theme, right?
RORY: For sure. But there are many ways to approach you.
NAOMI: I'm not approachable. Oh, it's my mother's fault. I hate my mother. Oh! Don't write that. Don't write that.
RORY: But I'm a writer.
NAOMI: Sweetie, you want facts. Facts are what you want. Well, facts are dull. [Waiter bring Naomi another drink.] Oh, thank you.
RORY: Well, not so much in a biography.
NAOMI: Oh. Well, let's not do that. A biography. Let's do something fresh. Like, uh. Let's make it a children's book.
RORY: A children's book?
NAOMI: It could deal in archetypes. A whale and a rabbit. One of them can represent me.
RORY: Are you the whale or the rabbit?
NAOMI: Mmm. I don't know. Thoughts?
RORY: Here's one. Uh, why don't we just focus on your story for now, and we'll talk about the whale and the rabbit later?
NAOMI: Darling Boswell, I do so want to be in sync with you. Oh.
RORY: Oh no, we are in sync. I swear. I I really believe that.
NAOMI: Aren't these glasses gorgeous? They won't tell me where they get them from. They're proprietary. God, I hate England. I'm voting for Brexit. It's just a protest vote. It'll never win.
LOGAN: A whale and a rabbit.
RORY: It's not funny.
LOGAN: It's pretty funny.
RORY: And she kept coming back to it, comparing the archetypes to characters in a play by Aeschylus. You haven't lived until you've heard a tipsy Brit pronounce Aeschylus.
LOGAN: Hey aeschylus is hard even when you're not tipsy.
RORY: It was like her lips were falling off. Try convincing her that Willy Loman is not one of the characters in Aeschylus, that was good.
LOGAN: Oh, well, I'm learning so much here.
RORY: She had five martinis. Five. She got there before I did. I don't know what she had before.
LOGAN: I've read about this woman. It all aligns.
RORY: I did, too. Her decades of breaking barriers and empowering women.
LOGAN: Her drunken, naked tirade through glassware at Harrods.
RORY: Halfway through her third martini, she asked to lick my juicy apple cheeks.
LOGAN: Ooh, do I want to know what that means?
RORY: My brain is fried.
LOGAN: Let's talk about something else. Oh, Conde Nast. Just got the message. Pushed again.
LOGAN: You're kidding.
RORY: I know I'm not their highest priority, but Conde Nast asked for this meeting. Months ago. This came from them.
MITCHUM: [Suddenly appears] Conde Nast? Procrastinators supreme. May I?
LOGAN: Help yourself. How you doing, Rory? Long time, no see.
RORY: It's been a very long time.
MITCHUM: I didn't know you two were still in touch.
LORELAI: Rory was passing through town on a job, and I begged her to have lunch.
MITCHUM: Hmm. Nothing better to do?
RORY: He did beg.
MITCHUM: What about Conde Nast? Are they dicking you around?
RORY: No. Just lots of postponements.
MITCHUM: You want me to make a call?
RORY: To Conde Nast?
MITCHUM: I can set a meeting, make it stick. It's no problem.
RORY: No, that's okay. Thank you, Mr. Huntzberger.
MITCHUM: So what brings you into town?
LOGAN: She's working on a book proposal. Co-writing with Naomi Shropshire.
MITCHUM: Naomi Shropshire? Have some hangover medicine ready.
RORY: She's a character. But that's what makes her unique.
MITCHUM: Ah, I gotta go. Um, hey, the party next week for your uncle. Is Odette coming?
LOGAN: She will be there.
MITCHUM: Gets engaged to a girl who lives in another country. Smart girl. And Conde Nast? The offer stands.
RORY: You're very nice. Thank you. I believe that's the first time anyone's said that to me. I mean, someone not sticking a shiv in my back. Ha-ha. See ya.
RORY: How did this happen?
LOGAN: It's okay.
RORY: He's seen us.
LOGAN: As far as he knows, we're just friends.
RORY: Of all the millions of restaurants, he walks in here? What?
LOGAN: Eh, this is one of the family holdings.
RORY: 'Course it is.
LOGAN: Why do you think I sprung for the $300 bottle of wine?
STARS HOLLOW TOWN MEETING
TAYLOR: All the town fire hydrants will remain red in color until the county rules on our request to customize them based on each corner's individual aesthetic. Now, as some of you will recall, two months ago I announced that we will be holding the first annual Stars Hollow Gay Pride Parade. 2016 was the perfect year to hold it because it coincided with an important date. The 70th birthday of one Miss Liza Minnelli. That's Liza with a "Z. "
BABETTE: We know how to spell, Taylor.
BOOTSY: He's always been condescending.
TAYLOR: But I have to inform you that after exhaustive research and an informal census, we made a surprising discovery. There just aren't enough gays in Stars Hollow.
LORELAI: How is that possible?
BABETTE: We have such cute houses.
ANDREW: And antique shops.
TAYLOR: We asked for volunteers to come forward. So far the list is miniscule. We have Donald
DONALD: Hi, everybody.
GYPSY: Donald's a pro.
TAYLOR: Who will be marching with his chow chow, Sherlock.
BABETTE: Sherlock's gay?
DONALD: No, he's just my dog.
TAYLOR: Adele and Lois have signed up.
LUKE: [To Lorelai.] Adele and Lois are a couple?
TAYLOR: Astonishingly, that's it. Now I have contacted some of the mayors of neighboring towns, to see if they would lend us some of their gays, but, uh, so far not a one has cooperated.
LUKE: Is this really happening?
ANDREW: We lent them our riding mowers one year. Why can't they lend us their gays?
TAYLOR: Tell that to Hank from Woodbury.
BABETTE: Donald, ask your cute friend Cliff to march with you. Cliff would do it.
DONALD: Cliff is straight.
BABETTE: Get outta here.
LUKE: [To Lorelai.] Donald's gay?
LUKE: [To Lorelai.] But I'm confused.
TAYLOR: So we're just stuck, people. Stuck.
GYPSY: Taylor, question.
[They all think for a moment.]
TAYLOR: Yes, Gypsy?
GYPSY: Are you sure there isn't anybody you're leaving out? Anyone else who could march in this thing? Anyone at all?
GYPSY: Well, there you go.
TAYLOR: So, with apologies to Miss Liza Minnelli, we'll table the parade for now and see what we come up with next year.
BABETTE: Sorry, Donald.
DONALD: Oh, Cliff and I are going kayaking that day anyway.
TAYLOR: Now, on to our last order of business Uh, Lorelai, maybe you can pay attention here. This concerns you.
LORELAI: You've got my full attention.
TAYLOR: I believe that bag of Profiteroles has at least part of your attention.
LORELAI: Well, develop a creamy filling, and I'm all yours.
TAYLOR: Now, as many of you know, a big Hollywood movie is being filmed in our neighboring town of Woodbury. I lobbied to have the movie shot here in Stars Hollow, but Woodbury won out.
TAYLOR: No, bad. Because all the big-name stars of the movie are staying in Woodbury, but my little birds are telling me that a bunch of B-level actors are staying at the Dragonfly.
LORELAI: [Trying to talk while eating a Profiterole.]
LORELAI: Yeah, so?
TAYLOR: We can't have Stars Hollow known as a place that welcomes B-level actors.
BABETTE: Who's staying at the Dragonfly, Taylor?
LORELAI: Guys, this is private information.
TAYLOR: Xander Sackovich. He's there.
LORELAI: How did you get my guest list?
TAYLOR: Dexter Schmid.
ANDREW: Now you're making that up.
TAYLOR: He's on the list.
LORELAI: Taylor who are your little birds?
TAYLOR: "Lydia Papadokolis, Tara Grabowski."
LUKE: Now what does it matter who's staying at Lorelai's place? And how is that any of your business?
TAYLOR: If you must know, our tax base is receding. Alarmingly. And it's the tax base that pays for gazebo upkeep, street sweeping, twinkle lights. If we want to remain a world-class tourist destination, we cannot lower our standards.
LORELAI: These are paying guests. Who cares what they've done?
BABETTE: I brought up a couple of their credits on my phone. Sackovich did Law And Order.
GYPSY: That's not very impressive.
BOOTSY: Yeah, who hasn't done the mother lode?
GYPSY: Tara Grabowski did an independent movie and a two-episode arc on Blue Bloods.
DONALD: Bit of a stretch.
BOOTSY: You can't call two episodes an arc. That's misleading.
TAYLOR: And are these washouts spending money around town? Adding to the tax base? I'm not seeing that.
BABETTE: They're probably studying their lines.
ANDREW: And having sex. They have a lot of sex.
TAYLOR: My same little birds are telling me that the A-listers are throwing money around Woodbury like there's no tomorrow. Matthew McConaughey buys three newspapers a day.
DONALD: I like that about him.
TAYLOR: And Jessica Chastain bought a full bag of assorted toiletries and two sun dresses. Money in the bank.
GYPSY: Taylor, you want a surefire way to bring in cash, open a bar. [Other agree.] And keep it open late. It'd be a windfall.
TAYLOR: We'll open a bar over my dead body.
BABETTE: Well then, why don't you just start taxing the Secret Bar?
TAYLOR: The what?
TAYLOR: All right. It's getting late, people. Let's adjourn. [The townies get up and start to leave.] Lorelai, at least find out if any of your B-listers are gay and if they're willing to march in a parade?
LORELAI: No, Taylor.
TAYLOR: I'm an island.
MICHEL: Where have you been?
LORELAI: At a meeting with the accountant. I told you.
MICHEL: Oh, that's great. I'm sprinting around like a madman, keeping this tiny place running, and you're off whooping it up.
LORELAI: Whooping it up? I barely kept my eyes open.
MICHEL: Hold on. These are heavy. [Talking to a male guest.] Excuse me. I know you're disappointed that we have no exercise equipment, so I ran home and I brought you some of my own personal dumbbells.
MAN: They're pretty small. I'm used to working with big dumbbells.
MICHEL: Yes. So am I. Excuse me. Lorelai!
LORELAI: Ah. What?
MICHEL: Have you looked these people up? They are B-level.
LORELAI: No. Not this again.
MICHEL: And the one with the skateboard? He doesn't ride it. He just carries it around with him.
LORELAI: I'm not listening to you.
MICHEL: And the girls all stand at the mirror, looking at themselves like they're God's gift, making it impossible for me to stand at the mirror and look at myself.
MICHEL: And the boys all stare at their phones with their mouths open. They never close them. They all have stupid ventriloquist dummy mouths! [Lorelai pulls an upset Michel away from the guests.] And what is the mother lode? They keep telling stories about the mother lode.
[They enter the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Hey, what is the matter with you? You've been spitting nails all week.
MICHEL: Are you aware that the A-listers in this stupid movie are all staying in Woodbury?
MICHEL: At the Cheshire Cat. The Cheshire Cat. With their watery orange juice, scratchy towels and really stinky croissants.
LORELAI: Yes, we're better than the Cheshire Cat.
MICHEL: We are better, but they have suites. Big, comfy suites with soaking tubs and mini-fridges.
LORELAI: We hate mini-fridges.
MICHEL: Of course we do. But Jack Black wants a mini-fridge. Cate Blanchett wants a mini-fridge. It's Dexter Schmid and Lydia Papadokolis who compromise their standards and stay in our tiny rooms without mini-fridges.
LORELAI: Our rooms are beautiful.
MICHEL: But no Nespresso machines. Daniel Radcliffe likes his Ristretto in the morning and his half-decaffeinato in the evening, while he reads the papers he borrowed from Matthew McConaughey.
LORELAI: How do you know all this?
MICHEL: We don't have a spa or a gym.
LORELAI: We don't have the space.
MICHEL: These people care about their pecs and their glutes. They work them out. Then they want them oiled, rubbed and scraped. Then they like to sit in their suites and soak in their tub and have juice that they kept cold in their mini-fridge. We've peaked! Let's face it, we've peaked.
MICHEL: It's all downhill from here. Our destinies are set, and Jennifer Lawrence is never, ever going to stay here. And what's the point of living if we are never going to bag Jennifer Lawrence?
LORELAI AND LUKE’S HOUSE
LUKE: Liz Liz, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. This is a lot to digest. Say that again? Uh-huh. [To Lorelai] You ready?
LORELAI: Hit me.
LUKE: My sister's joined a cult.
LORELAI: Which one?
LUKE: I'm trying to figure that out. [On the phone again.] Liz? Oh, hi, T. J. Yeah, what is the cult? Uh-huh, I see. No, no, no, it makes perfect sense. [To Lorelai.] It's a vegetable cult.
LORELAI: Ah. One of those.
LUKE: And they joined it by accident.
LORELAI: How do you accidentally join a cult?
LUKE: It's Liz and T. J.
LORELAI: Grab some wine. [Lorelai takes the phone.]
LUKE: Yeah, all right. Talk to my brother-in-law.
LORELAI: Hi, T. J. Oh, hi, Liz. It's Lorelai. How do you accidentally join a cult? Uh-huh. I see. Oh, that makes perfect sense. [To Luke.] They signed up for a co-op that has great vegetables, filled out the paperwork, signed it, and it turned out to be a cult that grows vegetables.
LUKE: They can't get out of it?
LORELAI: You can't get out of it? Got it. [To Luke.] Not for six million years.
LUKE: At least there's a cut-off date. Here. [Takes the phone.] Liz? Oh, hi, T. J. Listen, can I call you back? I don't know, sometime before the six million years is up? Will that work? Great. Bye.
LORELAI: Those vegetables better be fresh and crunchy.
LUKE: I don't want to talk about it.
LORELAI: Then let's not Here, sit. Sit. Got chicken scaloppini for you, linguine with meatballs for me and a hanger steak for Paul Anka.
LUKE: Hey, how was work?
LORELAI: Crazy. By which I mean, Michel is crazy.
LUKE: Ah, what else is new?
LORELAI: He's been on edge lately. He keeps says we've peaked.
LUKE: How have you peaked? The place has been booked solid since you opened. But it's so small. Just ten rooms and no suites, no mini-fridge and no room to grow.
LUKE: You don't need to grow.
LORELAI: Tell him.
LUKE: Why does everything need to grow? If something's good, keep it the same.
LORELAI: Yeah, but I kinda get what he's saying
LUKE: No, you don't need more. [Snapping]
LUKE: Listen I don't mean to be so firm about this, but don't let a guy like Michel get in your head, okay? He's been complaining for 20 years. Let him complain.
LORELAI: I know.
LUKE: You want me to talk to him?
LORELAI: The last time you talked to him, he spent an hour in my office crying.
LUKE: Well, something good came out of it.
LORELAI AND LUKE IN BED
LUKE: [Grunts.] Hey, check on Paul Anka.
LORELAI: I'm on it.
[Paul Anka barking as Lorelai goes down the stairs.]
LORELAI: Gotta go out, poochy?
PAUL ANKA: [The real Paul Anka.] Clearly.
LORELAI: You all set, bud?
PAUL ANKA: [The real Paul Anka.] All set. Squirrel!
LORELAI: You hungry, bud?
PAUL ANKA: [The real Paul Anka.] When am I not?
[Wakes up suddenly.]
LORELAI: Then I fell back to sleep and the real Paul Anka serenaded me with a medley of lullabies.
[In London, its early morning, Logan is in bed.]
RORY: That's very sweet of him.
LORELAI: I know. I feel weirdly bonded with the real Paul Anka over this. Plus it's my third dream about him this year. What does that mean?
RORY: Good thing we didn't name him Mickey Rourke.
LORELAI: Hey, have you ever heard of Dexter Schmid?
RORY: Is that a band?
LORELAI: No, an actor. Don't think so.
LORELAI: Tawny Shaverkian?
LORELAI: Lynix Hatlestad?
RORY: Who are these people?
LORELAI: Actors staying at the inn. Kind of B-level.
RORY: That's mean.
LORELAI: That's what everyone's calling them. Anyway they bought out the whole inn.
RORY: That's good.
LORELAI: Yeah. But we should've bagged Jennifer Lawrence, right?
RORY: Why Jennifer Lawrence?
LORELAI: 'Cause that's who you try to bag. She's the goods.
RORY: "She's the goods"? What is that, hotel lingo?
LORELAI: The ones who are here are B-level kids
RORY: Call them something else.
LORELAI: These younger, less-credited thespians, they all use their original names. No one changes them anymore. What's with that?
RORY: Maybe they like them.
LORELAI: Tawny Shaverkian likes her name?
RORY: It's not bad.
LORELAI: My generation, we got Natalie Portman, not Natalie Hershlag.
RORY: Someone's been on Google.
LORELAI: We got Joaquin Phoenix, not Joaquin Bottom.
RORY: Oh, you're making that up.
LORELAI: No. Who wants to see Virginia McMath dance with Frederick Austerlitz?
RORY: Is that Ginger and Fred?
RORY: You sound very worked up. Are you okay?
LORELAI: Michel's leaving.
RORY: No, he's not.
LORELAI: Well, he's getting restless.
RORY: Well, that's just Michel. Play him some Skrillex. That always calms him.
LORELAI: The Dragonfly was a dream Sookie and I had. It was a pals' place. And then she left, which sucked, but I still had Michel. And Michel He's for me what Paris is for you.
RORY: He’s your angry friend.
LORELAI: My angry friend.
RORY: He's not leaving.
LORELAI: How much longer are you there?
RORY: Not much longer. I'll see you soon.
LORELAI: Didi's not sick of you yet?
LORELAI: British Didi?
RORY: Oh, no. Um Not sick yet. I do the dishes.
LORELAI: Oh, for Didi you do the dishes.
RORY: I have to go.
LORELAI: Thanks for letting me bend your ear.
RORY: Michel's not leaving.
LORELAI: Bye. [To Paul Anka the dog.] Oh, you'd look good in a suit. Yes, you would.
LORELAI: Well, I just wanna say I'm sorr...
EMILY: Do not do that again.
LORELAI: [To Claudia.] You ever think about putting in a salad bar? [Sighs]
[Screen fades to black, then back again later in the session. Lorelai and Emily are now laughing.]
LORELAI: [Singing] What a day!
LORELAI: [Singing] What a beautiful day!
EMILY: [Laughing] He did not sound like that!
LORELAI: [Normal voice.] Yes, we called him Trombone Stan. He did exactly!
EMILY: [Laughing] I never called him that.
LORELAI: [Singing] Hello, Lorelai. How've your grades been?
EMILY: [Laughing] Stop.
LORELAI: [Normal voice.] Fine. Pretty good, Stan. [Singing] Pretty good's enough for Trombone Stan.
EMILY: Really, stop! Stop!
[Screen fades to black, then back again later in the session. Lorelai and Emily are gain sitting in silence.]
EMILY: So that's it? Trombone Stan and you're out?
LORELAI: Not unless you want some Timpani Tom.
EMILY: Are you hearing this?
CLAUDIA: Timpani Tom.
EMILY: And you have nothing else to say? No outstanding issues?
LORELAI: Nope. I'm all good. You?
EMILY: As a matter of fact, I do have a few outstanding issues.
LORELAI: Poked the bear. Poked the bear.
EMILY: A girl gets pregnant at 16 and takes off without leaving so much as a forwarding address.
LORELAI: Oh, my God. Hornet's nest.
EMILY: Excuse me?
LORELAI: Mom, are we really gonna go back over this ancient history again? We've moved so far past this.
EMILY: Well, clearly I haven't.
LORELAI: But that was eons ago, and we've had so much contact since then, and you got Rory back in your life. Why? Why are we doing this?
EMILY: You asked if I had issues, and I have issues.
LORELAI: Really, a salad bar, a Color Me Mine.
EMILY: Here's another one. After years of absence, she deigns to come back into our lives when she needs money.
LORELAI: For Rory. It was for my daughter. And it was a loan. Ancient history. Issue resolved.
EMILY: She's hidden just about every relationship she's ever had from me.
LORELAI: Yes. Yes, that has been my habit.
EMILY: She's smarted off in front of other family and in front of friends too many times to count. It takes her days to return phone calls. I give her presents and never see her using them.
LORELAI: I have specific tastes.
EMILY: The maid once saw me napping, and Lorelai told her I was Bourboned up.
LORELAI: It was a joke. It was a joke.
EMILY: And never will I forgive her for that heinous letter she sent on my birthday.
LORELAI: Whoa. What? What letter?
EMILY: With the accusations, the profanity, the abuse. The letter.
LORELAI: Uh, that wasn't me.
EMILY: Of course it was. Who else would it be?
LORELAI: That definitely wasn't me. I'm not Edith Wharton. I don't write letters.
EMILY: Well, that's absurd. I recall it clearly.
LORELAI: You're not, 'cause it never happened.
EMILY: It was on my bed. I remember the envelope and the color of the ink.
LORELAI: No. Unh-unh. Look, I will cop to the other stuff, okay? Embarrassing you in front of guests, hiding my relationships. But I won't admit to writing some terrible letter on your birthday, because it never happened. It never happened.
EMILY: Well, I'm saying it did.
CLAUDIA: Ladies, I'm afraid we have to stop.
LORELAI: Mom, I did not write that letter.
EMILY: And I say you did.
CLAUDIA: Somebody's waiting. I'm sorry.
LORELAI: She's been holding onto this for years, and it's not true. It's not true. Mom, it's not true.
EMILY: We'll talk about this next week.
LORELAI: No, I You can't leave this room thinking that I did that. I won't let you.
EMILY: Give me my purse.
LORELAI: We're extending our time.
CLAUDIA: I'm afraid that's impossible.
LORELAI: Fine! We'll we'll settle this next week! Ridiculous!
EMILY: Lorelai, my purse! Lorelai, I need my keys.
RORY: Naomi, you're saying so many things at once. Slow down.
NAOMI: I'm British, Rory. We speak fast. Catch up.
RORY: Winston Churchill didn't speak fast.
NAOMI: Why are you talking about that fat poof when my whole life is falling apart?
RORY: You used to like my historical references. [to Logan.] She called Winston Churchill a fat poof.
LORELAI: What did he do other than save the world?
NAOMI: Who are you talking to?
RORY: No one.
NAOMI: Were you listening before? George is not returning my calls. He's not following my tweets.
RORY: I thought your boyfriend was Colin.
NAOMI: Oh, for the love of God. That was weeks ago. You Americans really don't listen.
RORY: No, I listen
NAOMI: I am on a ledge here.
RORY: Uh, wait, are you literally on a ledge?
NAOMI: You see, I don't think you have the humor to do this book. You don't get nuance.
RORY: No, I get nuance.
NAOMI: And you flat out dismissed my whale and mouse story.
RORY: No, I didn't. And it was a rabbit, not a mouse.
NAOMI: No. It was a mouse.
RORY: It was a rabbit.
NAOMI: It was a mouse.
RORY: It was a rabbit.
LOGAN: It's the gentile Fiddler On The Roof.
RORY: Okay. You're right. It was a mouse. And you're the mouse.
[Sits down on Logan’s lap.]
NAOMI: No. No, darling. No. I'm the whale. Why in God's name would I be a mouse?
RORY: I must be mistaken.
NAOMI: I can't possibly sit with you today.
RORY: Okay, can we talk tomorrow?
NAOMI: You say that as if there is a tomorrow.
[Rory hangs up.]
LOGAN: Come on the suspense is killing me. Is she the mouse or the whale?
RORY: It doesn't matter. Next time she'll be a mongoose, a pangolin or a fruit. It'll be my fault for not remembering. What did you think?
LOGAN: SandeeSays? Layout's pretty good. Design catches your eye.
RORY: And attacks it with pretty, pretty colors.
LOGAN: It's an interesting mix of sweet and sour. It gets a little catty and gossipy. But not that I don't like gossip.
RORY: Boy, how many steps down is it from the New Yorker, or GQ, or Huffington or Bazooka Comics?
LOGAN: A few below the first three. But, I love that they want you. Could mean they're looking to class the joint up a bit. [Kisses Rory on the forehead] I gotta get going.
RORY: Mmm, but you're my pillow.
LOGAN: Sorry. What time is your flight tomorrow?
RORY: Threeish. But, hey, I was thinking, I don't have to head back to the States so soon.
RORY: Yeah, there's nothing pressing. I could hang a couple more days.
RORY: Are you leaving town? Someone's coming to town?
LOGAN: Kind of.
LOGAN: Kind of.
RORY: Right, so I guess I'll go.
LOGAN: Ivy tonight?
RORY: Our traditional farewell meal.
LOGAN: I'll send the car at 8:00.
RORY: Eight is great.
LUKE: What is this movie?
LORELAI: [Chuckles] It's a weird one. Kind of scary. You'll have to hold me.
LUKE: Oh, I can live with that.
LULU: Hi, guys.
LORELAI: Hi, Lulu.
LUKE: Hey, Lulu.
LULU: So do you guys want the love couch tonight?
LORELAI: The love couch? Definitely.
LULU: Kirk and I have had some crazy good times on this thing.
LUKE: Too late.
LULU: Have fun.
KIRK: Welcome, everyone, to the spring season of the Black, White and Read Movie Theater. I am pleased to present tonight's feature film, Eraserhead. [The audience claps.] Now before we start, the management of the theater is aware that some of you on occasion have snuck food into the theater. You should know that consuming food purchased outside of the premises is strictly prohibited.
LORELAI: Got it.
[Everyone is eating and drinking other food.]
KIRK: Would it be possible to be more discreet?
BABETTE: No problem. We got some extra link sausages if anybody wants some.
KIRK: Babette, did you hear what I said about food purchased outside? I didn't purchase this. I brought it from home.
MOREY: Yeah, chill out, man.
PETE: Hey. Hey, Kirk.
KIRK: What is it, Pete? Talk to me.
BRIAN: I've seen Eraserhead, like, 27 times.
ZACH: Twenty-two times for us.
LANE: It was our make-out movie.
ZACH: Luke, how many times have you seen it?
LUKE: Oh, hundreds.
BRIAN: It makes your head leave your body, doesn't it?
LUKE: Oh yeah, my head and I take off and float around and look at the stars, and take a left on Peach Street. [To Lorelai.] Get me out of this.
KIRK: Okay. Now people, I have a surprise for you. Twelve years ago, I completed my first short film, I Love Your Daughter. It premiered at the Lake Chappapaqua Film Festival, where it won the coveted Good Try award. Tonight, after years of labor, I am happy to announce that my second short is finally complete. Roll it.
[The film starts.]
KIRK: [Film] Gorgeous day, don't you think?
[Kirks pig makes some noise.]
KIRK: [Film] This pig is for reals.
LORELAI: Hey. That's my car.
LUKE: That's our house.
LORELAI: Hey, that's me!
LUKE: How did you not notice this?
[Film is now black and white, a woman in red points to Kirk as sinister music plays.]
WOMAN: [Film, whispers] Kirk.
KIRK: [Film] It's an omen. Petal, no! Poor Petal! [There is a car crash.] Petal. Come on, old buddy. Why won't anybody help me? Is the world so cold?
[A cell phone rings.]
LUKE: Geez. Come on, people. Not mine.
A NUMBER OF PEOPLE: Not mine.
LORELAI: Uh, Luke?
LUKE: What? Oh, shoot. Why is this ringing?
LORELAI: Someone's calling.
LUKE: Nobody calls me at night.
BABETTE: Come on, Luke, turn off your cell. It's distracting. [dealing with the BBQ.] That enough, baby?
MOREY: That ought to do it.
LUKE: Who do we know in the 8-6-0?
LORELAI: My mother. [Shocked.] My mother!
LUKE: Your mother?
LORELAI: That's my mother.
LUKE: Why is she calling me?
LORELAI: I don't know.
LUKE: She never calls me.
LORELAI: Don't pick up.
LUKE: I'm not picking up.
LUKE: Why is this ringing so much?
LORELAI: Maybe because that's the same phone Alexander Graham Bell yelled, "Watson, come here. I want you," into.
[Kirk on the film walking with his pig in his arms, clearly a stuffed toy. Funeral music plays and a woman screams.]
LUKE: She left a message.
LORELAI: Here. [Listens to the message.] What? No.
LUKE: What? What?
LORELAI: That's not happening.
LORELAI: She wants you to come over for dinner sometime next week.
LUKE: Just me?
LORELAI: Just you.
LUKE: That's not happening.
LORELAI: She has an urgent matter she needs to discuss with you.
LUKE: What is it?
LORELAI: I don't know.
LUKE: How did she get my number?
LORELAI: I don't know.
KIRK: [Film.] Why? [As the real pig runs into shot.]
KIRK: [To Lulu] We should probably paint that out.
LUKE: I guess I gotta go, right?
LORELAI: You're not going.
LUKE: [Chuckles] It's your mother. She'll hound me until I do.
LORELAI: Well if you're going, I'm going.
LUKE: Yeah. Okay, how about you go and I don't go?
LORELAI: Well, frankly, she asked for you.
LUKE: Let's never go into battle together.
[Film ends with Kirk burying the pig.]
LUKE: I know exactly how that pig feels.
LORELAI: Hey, was Michel in today? Did I miss him?
WAITER: It said on the schedule he's on vacation. New York, I think.
LORELAI: Right. A lot of hotels in New York.
LORELAI: Thank you.
[Lorelai goes to the kitchen.]
LORELAI: Hey, Rachael.
RACHAEL: Lorelai, hey!
LORELAI: How's it going?
RACHAEL: Oh, it's great. I love this kitchen.
RACHAEL: Sookie set it up so great.
LORELAI: Yeah, she's a pip.
RACHAEL: You know, I got soup and sammies for days in here. Try one. They're delish.
LORELAI: Well, if they're delish.
RACHAEL: You seem sad.
LORELAI: Oh, he's gonna leave.
LORELAI: Michel. Have you met him yet?
RACHAEL: Oh yeah. I couldn't understand a word he said.
LORELAI: That's him.
RACHAEL: So, he's gonna leave. Why?
LORELAI: Because it's not enough. I get it. I've known him a long time.
LORELAI: I was a maid first at this other inn, and I got promoted. On my first day, he was the only one who would tell me I had a weird stain on my Thompson Twins T-shirt and, by the way, I shouldn't be wearing a T-shirt now that I'm working the front desk.
RACHAEL: And you understood all that?
LORELAI: He always had my back.
RACHAEL: Maybe you're reading this wrong. Maybe he doesn't want to leave, and you're making yourself crazy for nothing.
LORELAI: That would be nice.
RACHAEL: Life has a way of just sort of working itself out.
LORELAI: Yeah, you're right. I should just chill.
LORELAI: Thank you.
RACHAEL: You're welcome. Anything else?
LORELAI: Yeah, I have to let you go.
LORELAI: The pop-up's not working out. No one's eating anything.
RACHAEL: But they're not eating anything out there because they have to take their clothes off for that movie tomorrow.
RACHAEL: Okay, uh, I guess I'll just clean up a little and I'll go.
LORELAI: Take your time. Mmm, really good sammie.
LORELAI: Okay. This is the spot to breathe deeply. You may not get another chance.
LUKE: [Grunts as he breaths deeply.] Oh, God.
LUKE: I swallowed a bug.
LORELAI: [Patting him on the back.] Oh. Well
LUKE: It's lodged in there.
LORELAI: Oh no. Well, okay. Let's do this.
LUKE: Okay. [Coughs] Let's do it.
LORELAI: Okay. [Door opens.] Berta! Hi! We've met.
BERTA: Hola, hello.
EMILY: Hello. What are you doing here?
LORELAI: We're here for dinner.
EMILY: But you weren't invited.
LORELAI: Mom, you left a message about dinner. So here we are.
EMILY: You weren't invited. Hello, Luke. Hello, Mrs. Gilmore. You weren't invited.
LORELAI: Really, Mom, work on your hosting skills a little.
EMILY: Well, you're here now.
LORELAI: See? A warm welcome makes all the difference.
EMILY: Come in, I guess. I wasn't expecting both of you.
LORELAI: I sent three e-mails.
EMILY: I didn't get them.
LORELAI: Well, I sent them.
EMILY: I don't understand e-mail.
LORELAI: What's this?
EMILY: Berta's second cousins are fixing my curtains. So much talent. Luke, you want a drink?
LUKE: [Hoarsely] Yes, please.
EMILY: What's wrong with your throat?
LUKE: I swallowed a bug.
EMILY: Why would you do that?
LORELAI: How about scotch? Feels like a scotch night.
EMILY: Coming up. [Door bell] Oh, now who's that?
LUKE: I'm not gonna make it.
LORELAI: Luke, come on. Remember your last name. Danes. The Anglo-Saxon word for warrior. It means that you're a fighter. You're a conqueror!
LUKE: No, it doesn't. "Danes" means, like, valley, or something. It's a farmer's name. My ancestors raised sheep.
LORELAI: Well, they defended those sheep with all they had. Hail to the Danes, brave soldiers of the sheep! Hey, kid!
RORY: Hi, guys.
EMILY: She wasn't invited.
LORELAI: Ah, this again?
RORY: Grandma, you forgetting. You said I could stay the night. I'm heading to Chilton in the morning.
EMILY: Your Chilton alumni event. Of course. I forgot. You can stay.
LORELAI: Jury's still out on me?
EMILY: You said it. I didn't.
RORY: [Touching the painting.] Hi, Grandpa. Grandma, are my boxes still in the guest room?
EMILY: Some. I gave a bunch of them to Berta.
EMILY: I thought you said you don't wear that stuff anymore.
RORY: Grandma, my lucky outfit could be in one of those boxes.
EMILY: Well, don't worry. She keeps everything. Just go through her closet. She won't mind.
RORY: Thank you.
[Emily hand Lorelai and Luke their drinks.]
EMILY: [To Luke.] Bring yours into the study.
EMILY: Just me and Luke.
LORELAI: Protect those sheep. Defend those sheep!
[The go to Richards office.]
EMILY: Sit. You ever been in here?
LUKE: Once. It's, uh, woody.
EMILY: You can still smell Richard's cigars. I like that smell.
LUKE: It's a good smell.
EMILY: Do you have a will?
LUKE: A will?
EMILY: A will. You need a will. If you go first and your affairs aren't in order, it all comes crashing down on my daughter's head. Do you want that?
EMILY: Do you know when you will die? Not offhand. Richard had an actuarial life table for all the family members, including you. A prediction of everybody's day of death. It's remarkably accurate. He included some close friends, too. He nailed Stuart Carrington's death within an hour. He was so proud of that.
LUKE: That's a great accomplishment.
EMILY: This is your file.
LUKE: I've got a file?
EMILY: You got some time left.
LUKE: Well, good.
EMILY: You're to use this information for your life insurance needs. Again, you can't leave my daughter high and dry. I'll photocopy it for you, and you can go from there.
LUKE: I'll mark the date in my calendar.
EMILY: Good. Now, next piece of business. Richard left you a sum of money in his will. You didn't know that.
EMILY: The money's in a trust account, to be used for a specific purpose and for that purpose only.
LUKE: Which is?
EMILY: To expand and franchise Luke's Diner.
EMILY: He even refers to it as the Luke's Diner Empire. So that's it. You're to use the money to build an empire.
EMILY: I've already contacted the best commercial real estate agent in Connecticut. Ida Friedman. She's a real shark. She eats real estate lawyers for lunch. You look stunned.
LUKE: Well, this is a lot to take in.
EMILY: When are you going to get moving? When are you going to embrace your future?
EMILY: Good answer.
EMILY: Need a refresh?
LORELAI: Mom, where's Luke?
EMILY: He was right behind me.
LUKE: I'm right here.
EMILY: I need to check on dinner, set some extra plates. If you see Berta's sister Isabella, ask her to fill the water glasses?
[Emily leaves the room.]
LUKE: I'm starting an empire.
LUKE: That word was in there. Bold letters, all caps "Empire".
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
LUKE: She wants me to franchise Luke's. Actually, your father wants me to franchise Luke's.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
Richard put money in a trust account. I'm supposed to call Ida and franchise the diner. I'm sweating through everything now.
LORELAI: Luke, not gonna happen.
LUKE: I've got a shark. [Shows Lorelai a business card.]
LORELAI: Give me that. Not gonna happen. Trust me.
[Lorelai hands Luke her drink and they both sigh.]
CHILTON COURT YARD
RORY: Say, I believe I recognize you from my school days.
PARIS: And I you. Good to see you, old chum. [They hug] Ah, Chilton. "I cannot remember the books I've read any more than the meals I have eaten; even so, they have made me. "
[They walk inside.]
RORY: Oh, my God. Were we ever this young?
PARIS: Never. Oh, hey, it's Mr. Sanders from AP Physics. Hey, Mr. Sanders!
MR SANDERS: Oh, no. [He runs off]
PARIS: What's up his ass?
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: There they are. Two of our finest. How are you, Rory?
RORY: Very well. Good to see you, Headmaster Charleston.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: And Paris, you're looking well, prosperous happy?
PARIS: How old is that drinking fountain?
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: I don't know. Twenty years, maybe more.
PARIS: You know a drinking fountain contains more rotavirus than a toilet.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: This is the first I've heard of it.
PARIS: Chipped in $100,000 to the capital improvement plan. Where are the capital improvements?
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Your money was well spent, Paris, and appreciated. Come, come, we have some time. Sit with me.
[They enter the Headmasters office.]
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: I could have coffee made if you want. Espresso? Cappuccino?
RORY: I'm fine.
PARIS: Nice machine, though. Real nice. May I ask...
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: I paid for it myself, Paris.
PARIS: That wasn't necessarily my question. Can I use your john?
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Uh, of course. [Paris leaves the room.] There is no one quite like Paris Geller.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: So let's talk about you. Are you married?
RORY: Not yet.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Good, be picky. And where is home?
RORY: Oh, here and there.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: A wayfarer. I read your New Yorker piece. I just stumbled on it one day. Such a nice surprise.
RORY: I've gotten a lot of good feedback.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: I've read of lot of your work. Slate, the Atlantic. I always enjoy it. Are things going well in your career?
RORY: Well enough.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: I'm sorry about your grandfather. He was a friend. I miss him.
RORY: Me, too.
PARIS: [Returning] A lava stone counter. French, right?
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: It was there before me, Paris.
PARIS: I believe you.
RORY: [Cell phone vibrates] Sorry, I have to take this.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: [Worried] Oh, please don't.
RORY: I'll be right back.
PARIS: So, when was the last time someone audited your books?
RORY: [On the phone.] Hey, you.
LORELAI: [Therapist office.] Hey. I had a moment. I thought I'd check in. How's my little alumnus doing?
RORY: Great. It's fun being back here, and weird. The headmaster says hi.
LORELAI: No, he doesn't.
RORY: Hey aren't you supposed to be in a therapy session with grandma?
LORELAI: Yeah, but we took a break.
RORY: You're not supposed to take a break.
LORELAI: It was the therapist who wanted the break. [Emily and Claudia return.] Oh, gotta go. Bye, hon.
LORELAI: You smoke?
CLAUDIA: Uh, I just started again.
EMILY: Who was that? Luke?
LORELAI: No, it was Rory. She's doing her Chilton day.
EMILY: We were just talking about Luke.
LORELAI: You and Claudia?
CLAUDIA: He's your guy, right?
LORELAI: Yeah, he's my guy.
EMILY: I said nothing.
LORELAI: You said plenty.
EMILY: I didn't say anything. Did I say anything?
LORELAI: Oh, but you want to, Mom. Go ahead, get it out. It's in there, I know it is. Pressure's building, steam is rising.
EMILY: She's not married, you know.
LORELAI: There she blows, Old Faithful. Be sure to stop by the gift shop on your way out.
EMILY: She has "a roommate."
LORELAI: Hear the quotes? He's not my roommate.
EMILY: You share a bedroom.
EMILY: Which makes you roommates with benefits. Booty buddies.
LORELAI: That's what we are, Mom. Glad you're up on the lingo.
EMILY: Anything more permanent would terrify her.
LORELAI: We are permanent. [Looking at Claudia] We're permanent.
EMILY: Hanging out is not permanent. Marriage is permanent.
LORELAI: "Marriage is permanent. " Uh, Liz Taylor just rose from her grave to say, "What?"
EMILY: Well, even Claudia just called him "your guy," like it's a beach blanket movie.
LORELAI: We have been together, steadily, for nine years.
EMILY: Luke hardly ever comes by the house for dinner. I didn't have his number until I got it from Rory.
LORELAI: You go through me to get to him. The system works.
EMILY: You've hardly even mentioned him in these sessions.
LORELAI: We are here to work out problems. Luke and I don't have a problem.
EMILY: My late husband was just as concerned about this.
LORELAI: Chalk it up to a serious lack of hobbies.
EMILY: That's why he set up that trust for Luke to expand his business, to give her something more permanent.
LORELAI: You don't know what Dad was thinking.
EMILY: Excuse me? I was his wife for 50 years. I knew his every thought. We shared everything because we were married. That bond got us through the tough times, too. The separation. Our marriage brought us back together for some of our happiest years we every had. What will get you through the tough times?
LORELAI: My Wonder Woman stamina and a box of Twinkies.
EMILY: You'll just find another roommate. Why not? That’s how it goes.
LORELAI: Can I bum a smoke?
EMILY: One of you will just shrug and think, "What the hell, I'm outta here," pack a bag and walk off, and the other will stay behind and just rent space to the next person, like it's an Airbnb.
LORELAI: Okay you know I have not walked out of any of these sessions, because it's super dramatic, but I think in this moment, it is justified, 'cause I don't wanna listen to this anymore.
CLAUDIA: Our time is up anyway.
LORELAI: What? Oh, no way!
CLAUDIA: It is. The hour's up.
LORELAI: Okay, well, I am walking out of here as if it is not over yet, so the intent is the same.
LORELAI: We're picking this up next week.
LORELAI: Tuesday, 10:30. I insist.
PARIS: Well, he needs to sign the sperm donation agreement today, okay? Then I don't want his sperm. No, I do not want his sperm. I do not wanna touch his sperm. I do not want to see his sperm until I get a firm sperm agreement.
RORY: We got it. No sperm. Wrap it up.
PARIS: I gotta go. I'm offline for 30. I'll check in later. [To Rory] See you afterwards?
RORY: See you afterwards.
[They enter separate classrooms.]
RORY: We all have our proclivities, right? The things we loved before Chilton, the subjects we wanted to study. I had them. Literature, history. And I absorbed them. But with time, I discovered that it's the stealth subjects, the ones I discovered while I was here, that really expanded my mind the most. I love music. So I thought, "I'll take a music course. Composition and theory. How hard could it be?" Well, [Rory chuckles followed by the class.] It was a struggle. [Headmaster Charleston enters the classroom.] Let's put it that way. I had this notion that somehow my extensive familiarity with Nick Cave, and Radiohead, and a smattering of Stravinsky destined me for success. So I'll never forget the day that I realized my composition class required composing. [Class chuckles again.] But I did it. I composed the melody, I added the harmonies, I drew those treble and bass clefs, I wrote those whole notes, those half notes, those quarter notes, those rest stops, and while you'll never witness a public performance of my composition because of that experience, I can see music when I hear it. I only ever heard it before. And I'll always be grateful for that.
[We switch to Paris giving here very ‘Paris’ speech.]
PARIS: It's kill or be killed. I'm not talking The Art of War. Oh, no. That's a tiptoe through the tulips compared with what you're going to find beyond these walls. Betrayal, deception And that's just in the bedroom. That was a joke. You were supposed to laugh. [They don’t laugh.] Now, I'm not in the habit of quoting Joseph Stalin. I mean, the man was a psychopath, and his policy of forced collectivization killed millions of his own people. But I found one thing he said to be quite inspiring.
[The classes empty with Rory’s students happy and those with Paris not so much.]
PARIS: Well, hey, look at this synchronicity.
RORY: How'd it go in there?
PARIS: This generation's devoid of anything resembling mirth, but I made my points. You?
RORY: They're young'uns. That's for sure.
PARIS: You got time for lunch?
RORY: I'm starving.
PARIS: How about Steady Eddie's?
RORY: Or the Italian place?
PARIS: Is it okay if we smell like garlic?
RORY: Not smelling like garlic is way overrated if you ask me. So what do you think? The Italian place? Paris?
[Paris stops walking.]
PARIS: Oh, my God.
RORY: What is it?
PARIS: Oh, my God!
[Paris runs to a near by bathroom.]
PARIS: Get out! Get out!
[Paris pushes students out. Rory enters. Paris is pacing around the room.]
PARIS: What the hell? What the hell?
RORY: Was that Tristin out there?
PARIS: Of course it was Tristin. With that pouty mouth, those liquid eyes. Who else? The janitor in softer light? What is this? What am I feeling?
RORY: I don't know. What are you feeling?
PARIS: I'm feeling fear and loneliness and heartache. Listen to me. I sound like a freaking Blake Shelton song.
RORY: Yours is better.
PARIS: My hands are shaking. My heart is pounding. God I thought I was past this.
RORY: He must be here for the same reason we are.
PARIS: And to hit on girls. You saw him out there, mackin' on that slutty biznotch.
RORY: Now you're just freaking me out. Calm down.
PARIS: And he didn't even look at me. Not so much as a glance. All my education, the advanced degrees, the academic awards, all my accomplishments The private club, the Pilates, the dermabrasions, the subtle nips and tucks, and I'm still just Paris Geller, the amazing, insignificant, invisible girl.
RORY: You've had nips and tucks?
PARIS: Do not abandon me.
RORY: I'm not.
PARIS: I'm pathetic.
PARIS: Oh, really? Check out what's in my briefcase. Nothing. I bought it because I thought people would think I was important because I had briefcase. I'm a phony.
[The door starts to open, Paris puts one foot on the door to close it.]
GIRL: [Outside] What's going on?
GIRL 2: [Outside] Come on!
PARIS: I'm still in love with Tristin.
RORY: What? No.
PARIS: Yes. No. [Panting] I don't know.
RORY: You are just feeling vulnerable right now. That's what this is. You're going through a divorce. You have your business, the kids.
PARIS: The kids hate me. They like the nanny. Last Christmas, they cried until she came. I don't blame them. I like the nanny, too. I cry sometimes when she leaves.
FRANCIE: Oh hello.
PARIS: Francie. Figures.
RORY: You're catching us at a bad time.
PARIS: Are you stalking me?
FRANCIE: Sorry, did I accidentally step into 2003?
PARIS: What do you need? Expanded lunch hours? Hemlines shortened to just below the hoo-ha?
FRANCIE: Should I get the nurse? Or are you and Rory in cahoots again, planning a get-together behind my back? Is that why you didn't want to get lunch?
PARIS: I did. We were doing Italian. We're having a bad day.
PARIS: You always tried to get between me and Rory, you destroyed my student council career, and you ruined my chance to get into Harvard.
FRANCIE: Paris, you're an MD, a lawyer, an expert on neoclassical architecture, and, I think, a certified dental technician to boot. You rule the world. What's your damage?
PARIS: Oh, you've been spying on me? Cyber-stalking me? How do you know all this?
FRANCIE: You invited me on LinkedIn.
PARIS: Yeah, right. Take a powder, Baby John. This is our turf!
FRANCIE: Sure. Fine. We'll just catch up at the reunion of the Puffs next month. Oops. No we won't, because you never got Puffed.
PARIS: Screw you!
FRANCIE: Eat me!
RORY: Nice to see you, Francie.
PARIS: I miss Doyle.
RORY: Calm down.
PARIS: I miss the sex. It was volcanic.
RORY: Oh, boy. I didn't need to know that.
PARIS: I'm untethered. I'm a mylar balloon floating into an infinite void, and I missed my last period.
RORY: You're going through a bad stretch here, Paris. Just slow down, reassess, then change course. It'll get better.
PARIS: Thanks for the cut-rate Confucius.
PARIS: Sorry. I've got three meetings and a panel discussion at the 92nd Street Y, and I have got to get myself together because Lena Dunham's the moderator. She cannot see me like this. Don't tell anyone about the briefcase.
RORY: Your secret's safe with me.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON OFFICE
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Thank you for stopping by.
RORY: I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Now, I have a question, and there's a point to it.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Have you ever considered getting your master's?
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: So you could come back and be on the faculty here.
RORY: Oh. Wow.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: It's not a bad place to work.
RORY: Not at all. I'm very flattered.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: I've always thought the world of you, Rory. All of us here have. And your experience since you left us Top of your class at Yale, your writings. We have a spot open for you in whatever department you choose. English, history Uh, not so much musical composition.
RORY: Oh, well, then I'm out of here.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: [Chuckles] Thoughts?
RORY: I thought about getting a master's. Years ago. A PhD. But I was impatient. I wanted to get out into the world.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Yes, you were always internally stronger than everyone else. I suppose you get that from your mother. She was a real spitfire.
RORY: Still is.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: We all go through bad stretches.
RORY: Oh. No, I'm not going through a bad stretch.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Then my language was too strong. It's just that when I hear that someone of your caliber is living here and there, I wonder if I can be of assistance.
RORY: I appreciate it, but I don't think teaching's my future. But thank you so much.
[Knock at the door.]
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Come in! Keep in touch, though.
RORY: I'll keep in touch.
ASSISTANT: Headmaster, the students from Paris Geller's lecture are here.
HEADMASTER CHARLESTON: Bring them in. The Paris post-mortem. A headmaster's work is never done.
PARIS: Blow my colon.
RORY: What now?
PARIS: I left my glasses upstairs. Three flights up.
RORY: Well, so go get 'em.
PARIS: I'm exhausted from this day, Rory. I can't take these stairs.
RORY: So ask Clementina to go get them.
PARIS: No, no, no. That's how we lost the kids' last nanny. To those stairs.
PARIS: This place is a vertical Armageddon. Five stories. And Doyle wouldn't put in an elevator because it'd ruin the building's architectural integrity. He just loved telling people, "It's pre-war. Pre-Civil War." [Scoffs] Like that wouldn't make Dorothy Parker barf.
PARIS: Speak of the devil. So we lose our nanny because she won't take the stairs.
DOYLE: We're here.
PARIS: Meanwhile, Doyle's renting a loft in Tribeca. One story and it has an elevator.
PARIS: [Yelling] Doyle, just come in!
DOYLE: I didn't know if you wanted me to.
PARIS: What are you going to do? Shove the kids through the mail slot? [Changes her tone as the kids run in.] Hello, my babies. [They hug.]
KIDS: Hi, Mommy.
PARIS: Now go on up with Clementina. I'll be up in a minute.
CLEMENTINA: Yes, miss. Come on, little ones.
DOYLE: Hey, fun day, guys. Right? Fun day? All right. Fun day. Hey, Rory. It's nice to see you.
RORY: Hey, Doyle.
PARIS: See, I didn't poison her against you.
DOYLE: I know. She and I e-mail now and then.
PARIS: You guys e-mail?
DOYLE: [To Rory] So they suck you into the Conde Nast universe yet?
RORY: Still working on it.
DOYLE: Really? You've been talking about it for months.
PARIS: You guys talk?
RORY: How's the screenwriting going?
DOYLE: Great. Just got in last night from a pretty big meeting in LA.
PARIS: Don't sit.
RORY: How'd it go?
DOYLE: Pulled in off of Melrose, sat on their Italian couch, drank a Fiji Water, pitched them an idea I came up with at the airport. Then they stuck a sack full of money in my pocket and flew me home first class. Bunch of nitwits.
PARIS: The kids ate, right?
DOYLE: They're eating here.
PARIS: There's nothing here, Doyle.
DOYLE: So have Clementina take them out.
PARIS: She just went upstairs.
DOYLE: She went upstairs?
PARIS: You were right here.
DOYLE: Why would you let her go upstairs?
PARIS: Because I didn't know she had to come back down. Now I have to go upstairs, tell her to bring the kids downstairs, take them out, bring them home, take them upstairs, and we'll lose this nanny, too.
DOYLE: We cannot lose this nanny.
PARIS: We're still paying off the last nanny.
RORY: Guys, I will take the kids to get something to eat.
DOYLE: You'll go upstairs?
PARIS: And bring them down?
PARIS: And take them out and bring them back?
RORY: Or leave them in an alley. One of those two things.
DOYLE: Thank you, Rory.
PARIS: Yeah, thanks, Rory.
DOYLE: Bye, guys. Kiss the kids again.
PARIS: Are you and Doyle having an affair?
SANDEE: [Video Message.] Waiting, Waiting
[Rory uses the second to dial Logan.]
LOGAN: Hey, there.
RORY: Oh, shoot. Did I wake you up? I woke you up. It's 2:00 a. m. there.
LOGAN: No, no, no, it's fine. I'm up. Everything okay?
RORY: Yeah, I'm I just um.
RORY: I really hate to do this.
LOGAN: What? Come on.
RORY: Um... Would your father still be willing to put in a good word for me at Conde Nast?
RORY: It's okay if he won't. I mean, I don't know how serious he was.
LOGAN: No, he'll do it for sure. He does stuff like this all the time for lesser mortals.
RORY: I really didn't want to do it this way.
LOGAN: Don't be embarrassed.
RORY: I'm not. Pride is a little hurt.
LOGAN: Get over it. I'll give you a text when it's done. Okay? Be happy.
RORY: I'm happy. Oops, hold on.
RORY: Oh, uh I thought the baby was gonna throw up.
LOGAN: Your life change since I last saw you?
RORY: It's Paris' kid. I'm babysitting.
LOGAN: Did you find your lucky outfit, Ace?
RORY: There is no sign. Thank you again. And thank your father for me.
LOGAN: No problem. Really.
RORY: All right, well, I guess I should, uh, let you get back to bed.
LOGAN: Okay, I'll let you know, Ace. And... good luck.
RORY: Thanks, Logan.
CONDE NAST OFFICE NEW YORK CITY
JIM: She's great. She's depressing.
RORY: Failed to find a jolly way to tell us that the entire Pacific Seaboard west of the I-5 was going down.
JIM: I always like a spoonful of sugar.
DENISE: "Consider the Lobster"? It's a serious subject, but funny and truthful.
JIM: That's the camp I'd put you in. I mean, no one's David Foster Wallace, but there's an erudition to your stuff, and some whimsy, which I like.
RORY: I'll cop to that.
DENISE: Your Talk piece had it.
JIM: Yeah, it was great. And all your interviews are spot on. You're in the piece, but not too much.
DENISE: So, what are you up to now?
RORY: Oh, I, uh well, I'm here. Hello. And, um I'm just finishing up some things. And, um, I I'm working on a book proposal.
JIM: Oh, cool. What's the book? If you don't mind.
RORY: It's actually an expansion of my Talk piece on Naomi Shropshire.
JIM: Wow. Interesting. Uh, she's a little unhinged, isn't she?
RORY: Makes her all the more interesting.
JIM: What else?
RORY: I'm heading back to London in just a couple days. There's a website after me.
JIM: There must be a million.
DENISE: So we have a couple things floating around.
JIM: Mmm-hmm. Some sports stuff.
RORY: It would be an outsider's perspective coming from me.
JIM: And we prefer that sometimes.
DENISE: And lines. That's been an elusive one.
JIM: The ones all over New York. You pass them all the time. People line up for anything. Collectibles, fast food, restaurant openings. It's the psychology of the group that we're interested in. What's the commonality? David Wallace would've nailed it, but so far we haven't.
RORY: I love that. I'll confess, I've stood in a lot of lines, and it's a thing.
JIM: Noodle it around a bit, okay? And keep in touch?
[The all shake hands.]
DENISE: So nice to meet you.
JIM: Here's my cell. The Talk piece was great. Really.
RORY: Thanks, Jim. Denise. Have a good day.
DENISE: You, too.
JIM: Don't lose the card.
RORY: I won't. Bye.
JIM: Gary, bring the book in here.
[Rory looks on.]
DENISE: Art department's freaking out.
JIM: What else is new?
DENISE: Don't forget, you have that thing at Bemelmans.
JIM: Oh. That's tonight?
JIM: Have Brad bring me a sandwich. I can't drink on an empty stomach.
CLAUDIA: Come in!
LORELAI: Sorry, I'm late. These drive-through coffee places? Love the concept. But Heather and I? We're gonna need to rehearse the cup pass a couple more times. Oh, my mom's late, too?
CLAUDIA: I haven't heard from her.
LORELAI: Really? She doesn't usually pick up the phone when she's driving, but. [Calls Emily.]
LORELAI: Oh, Mom, are you on your way?
EMILY: No, I'm at home.
LORELAI: It's Tuesday.
EMILY: I know what day it is.
LORELAI: Well Claudia and I are here. Just the two of us. The couch cushions are fluffed. The candle's lit.
EMILY: I'm quitting.
EMILY: I'm done. I'm not coming anymore.
EMILY: We've had six sessions, and you are no different.
EMILY: And that woman isn't helping.
LORELAI: Who, Claudia?
EMILY: She's a dolt. I don't need to pay someone not to agree with me.
EMILY: I'm not coming. Sorry you made the trip. Goodbye.
LORELAI: She quit.
CLAUDIA: I'm sorry.
LORELAI: She started this whole damn thing.
CLAUDIA: It happens.
LORELAI: I just... With no notice.
CLAUDIA: It's not unusual.
LORELAI: She said I was no different. Me. This wasn't for me. This was for her.
CLAUDIA: People have expectations when they come here. Very often, the reality is different.
LORELAI: What sort of transformation did she expect? I come in here Lorelai Gilmore, and two months later, I walk out Queen Latifah?
CLAUDIA: Probably not Queen Latifah.
LORELAI: Oh, she is amazing. [Scoffs] She smoked me out, got me here "I'm no different." Different? She doesn't even know who I am.
CLAUDIA: Are you.
LORELAI: Am I?
LORELAI: Oh. [Scoffs] No, I've got a million things to do. [Sighs]
CLAUDIA: Oh, okay.
LORELAI: I mean, I should just go, right?
CLAUDIA: [Goes to sit down.] Well, the hour's paid for. Anything you want to talk about?
LORELAI: Uh, no. No, nothing. Wait, my mother's crazy. Okay, now nothing. [She sits down.] I don't know. It's been weird lately.
CLAUDIA: How so?
LORELAI: Uh, this whole thing was supposed to be grief therapy. You know, my mother's grief therapy, because of Dad. Because of Dad dying I get it. It was a stunner. It was a stunner for all of us.
CLAUDIA: Yeah, she talked about it.
LORELAI: It was just so fast. I was at the inn, working on the books a little, using the calculator on my phone and it rang. And it was Mom with the news. He was in the ICU. Heart attack. Big one. And we hung up. And my phone went back to being a calculator. It just seemed so unreal.
CLAUDIA: You can't plan for these things.
LORELAI: And he never got out of the ICU. He was conscious at times, but in and out. And he was angry. He was really angry. He couldn't believe it. He's Richard Gilmore. This is not how Richard Gilmore goes down. You know what his last words were?
LORELAI: "Get the hell away from me. " Aimed at the nurses, not, not us. It was actually pretty funny. And then just like that. I didn't get that moment, you know? That Lifetime movie moment, "I love you, Lorelai. " "I love you too, Dad. " Mom didn't get it either. Fifty years. They were married 50 years. [Sighs] That thing she said last week, about me and Luke. About us being partners, because we're not married. Like we're a comedy team. Feels like it struck a chord. My mother strikes more chords than Esa-Pekka Salonen.
CLAUDIA: Hmm. Lorelai, you should know many people have full, lasting emotional relationships without being married.
LORELAI: I know.
CLAUDIA: Do you want to be married?
LORELAI: I've been married. You didn't know that. To Rory's father. It was brief. We have had a long, complicated relationship. And it didn't end badly. It just ended because it shouldn't have happened. It was supposed to be Luke. It was always supposed to be Luke.
CLAUDIA: If it was always supposed to be Luke.
LORELAI: Then why aren't we married?
LORELAI: I just don't do things like my mother. Dinner the other night.
CLAUDIA: What happened?
LORELAI: She attacked Luke.
LORELAI: With a bag of money.
CLAUDIA: I don't get it.
LORELAI: It was money my father put aside for Luke to spend on something Luke doesn't want. That my father can still hover like that. We're happy. He's very happy. Luke and I are happy.
MAN: Thanks, Luke.
LUKE: Hey, Caesar, can you get 'em change for me?
CAESAR: Got it.
LUKE: [Looking at the window at Emily getting out of a car.] Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. No. Please, no.
EMILY: Hello, Luke.
LUKE: Mrs. Gilmore, hi. What's going on?
EMILY: Luke, this is Ida. Ida, Luke.
IDA: We gotta get started. We got a lot of ground to cover.
LUKE: Started on
EMILY: We're seeing properties.
IDA: Three gems, an in-betweener and a dog with a price I like.
EMILY: Maybe we should drop the dog.
IDA: But it's close by. If it's the first franchise, Luke can zip back and forth.
LUKE: Zip back and forth?
EMILY: That makes sense.
LUKE: What makes sense?
EMILY: Are you ready?
LUKE: To do what?
EMILY: To see your potential franchise locations, of course.
LUKE: Oh, now, Mrs. Gilmore.
IDA: Call her Mom.
[Silence followed by Ida walking away.]
LUKE: Uh, didn't Lorelai talk to you about this?
EMILY: This has nothing to do with Lorelai. This is about you. Did you lose that card I gave you?
LUKE: I gave it to Lorelai.
EMILY: Really? Do you give all your important business cards to Lorelai? Is she your secretary?
LUKE: No, but I...
EMILY: Now, I'm assuming you have someone to look after the place while you're gone?
LUKE: Yes. Caesar.
LUKE: Um, uh, can you watch the place for a little while, or do you still have that thing you were going to? You know, that appointment?
CAESAR: Nope, I'm all yours.
EMILY: Oh, good. He has a Caesar.
IDA: Caesar can run one of the franchises.
CAESAR: Run what?
IDA: You got any other Caesars?
LUKE: No, just the one.
IDA: You're gonna need more.
EMILY: Let's hit the road.
IDA: I gotta confirm all this stuff.
EMILY: Is that the shirt you wear on business outings?
EMILY: There's blood on it.
LUKE: Nah, that's jelly. I'll be right back.
CAESAR: If I'm running something, I'm gonna need a raise.
MAN: Order up!
LUKE: This place is still open.
LUKE: It's not available.
IDA: Everything is.
LUKE: It's a kind of a bad neighborhood.
EMILY: It's up-and-coming.
IDA: It's gonna explode.
EMILY: See? Up-and-coming.
IDA: No, they illegally tapped their gas. It's literally going to explode.
SAM: What can I do for you folks?
LUKE: I'm sorry about this.
IDA: Ida Friedman.
SAM: Sam Duncan.
IDA: So nice to meet you, Sam. [To Emily] Sam is four months behind in his payments. The marshal's already sniffing around.
LUKE: I'm really sorry about this.
EMILY: It all has to go.
IDA: The bankruptcy court'll take it anyway. He won't have a pot to piss in.
EMILY: What must the bathrooms look like?
IDA: Dresden after the bombings is my guess.
EMILY: It needs to be lighter. White paint, yellow accents. Oh, and look at that ridiculous clock.
EMILY: You thought the second place was a possibility?
IDA: But you'd have to blow out the back
EMILY: You'd have to. But permits take forever.
IDA: Put an Andrew Jackson in the right hands, they'll stir your soup.
EMILY: And Luke, are you good with putting number two in the maybe column?
LUKE: Number two?
EMILY: Number two. You'd have to blow out the back.
IDA: He's in default. He can't complain.
LUKE: Yeah, blow it out. That sounds good.
EMILY: Luke is good with number two.
IDA: Hold on. He'd be crazy not to be.
EMILY: So that's four possibilities.
IDA: No, three plus a maybe.
EMILY: When do you start negotiating?
IDA: Yesterday. Everything's a negotiation.
EMILY: Let's start.
IDA: You're in good hands.
EMILY: I think we can squeeze in one more place.
LUKE: Don't you have that thing you gotta get to today?
EMILY: What thing?
LORELAI: Your therapy with Lorelai? You don't want to miss that.
EMILY: Oh, I stopped that a week ago.
LUKE: Oh, right. Right.
EMILY: She didn't tell you?
LUKE: No. No, she told me.
EMILY: She never told you.
IDA: Oh, here we are.
EMILY: Oh, it's cute.
LUKE: It's shaped like a teacup.
EMILY: And it's near a prison.
LORELAI AND LUKE’S HOUSE
MAN: [Viggo Mortensen on TV.] Just closin' up, fellas.
[Luke enters the front door.]
LORELAI: Hi. I know you're sick of hearing this, but this movie, History of Violence? Viggo Mortensen is you. He's totally you.
LUKE: I know. You've said it before.
LORELAI: Seriously David Cronenberg owes you money. He must have dropped by the diner, got inspired, and turned you into this ex-thug guy. He must have been in.
LUKE: I don't even know what he looks like.
LORELAI: Or maybe Viggo Mortensen came by Coffee! Observed you and called David Cronenberg with the idea. They're very close. You know what Viggo Mortensen looks like.
LUKE: Like looking in a mirror.
LORELAI: You okay?
LUKE: [Breaths Deeply] Yeah, just tired.
LORELAI: Wanna order in?
LUKE: I can whip something up.
LORELAI: All right, start whipping.
LUKE: Hmm. Hey, uh, how was therapy today? Same old, same old. My mother did most of the talking, as usual.
LORELAI: It's a fancy shirt. Did you go to the bank?
LUKE: Yeah. Yeah, the bank.
LORELAI: They like collars.
LUKE: They like collars. All right, I'll get changed.
LORELAI: Cool. [Inhales sharply] Oh, I love this scene. But I can't watch this scene. [Covers her eyes] But I love this scene.
PARIS’S NEW YORK APARTMENT
CLEMENTINA: This is Poppy Corn, and this is Taco Terrie.
RORY: Oh, hi, Clementina.
CLEMENTINA: Oh, Paris is not home.
RORY: Oh I know, she told me I could hang out here when I'm in the city. If you want, I could watch the kids. You could go rest upstairs.
CLEMENTINA: Not upstairs.
RORY: Or you could go out for a while.
CLEMENTINA: Okay. Thank you. Bye, babies.
RORY: [Answers her cell phone.] Hello?
ROBERT: Yes, I'm calling for Rory Gilmore.
ROBERT: My name is Robert Castellanos, an attorney representing Naomi Shropshire. [At Naomi’s usual restaurant with her.]
ROBERT: This is just a courtesy call. My firm is preparing paperwork you'll soon receive dissolving the contract on your book project with Ms. Shropshire.
RORY: What a shock.
ROBERT: Excuse me?
RORY: May I ask why she's doing this?
ROBERT: Let's just say she's unhappy.
RORY: Let me save you some time. There is no contract. I was doing this on spec, so there's nothing to dissolve.
ROBERT: Ms. Shropshire would also like all of your notes back.
RORY: What notes? All she did was babble.
ROBERT: And Ms. Shropshire would like you to sign a letter waiving all rights to the "whale and mouse" idea.
RORY: Fine. It wasn't exactly the next Cloud Atlas.
ROBERT: So you'll sign this?
RORY: Yes. And it was a rabbit, not a mouse.
ROBERT: Says here it was a mouse.
RORY: I'll be sure to collect all my doodles of martini glasses and hangman ropes. I'll get all the blank pages to you by tomorrow. Just text me where to send them. [Hangs up] She's a drunk! [To the kids.]
[Quickly she calls Jim.]
JIM: Jim Nelson.
RORY: Jim, hi. Sorry for the spontaneity here and for calling your cell. This is Rory Gilmore. Do you have a quick second?
JIM: Oh, sure. What's up?
RORY: Give me lines, the story that's been floating around.
JIM: Right, we talked about that.
RORY: Yeah I have a take on it. A good one. Let me take a crack.
JIM: I'm loving the confidence.
RORY: I'm super confident.
JIM: But I’m afraid I don't have any money to play with here.
RORY: This would be on spec. Just let me at it and I will show you what I've got. No strings.
JIM: Do it. Dummy it up for me or come in and pitch. This is great.
RORY: Thanks. I'll call your office when I'm ready.
JIM: Talk to you later.
RORY: Bye. Okay. Okay.
[Lorelai at the Dragonfly.]
RORY: Hi! I called you from all my phones. Why didn't you pick up?
LORELAI: I didn't recognize those numbers.
RORY: Mom, you have my numbers.
LORELAI: You have, like, 14 numbers. I can't keep track. One burner is still trying to reach me.
RORY: I'm calling to let you know I won't be back tomorrow. Because I'm working on a story here in the city.
LORELAI: Oh I thought you were coming back and then flying to London to see Naomi.
RORY: I'm not doing the Naomi thing anymore. I've got a new thing.
LORELAI: So no more book?
RORY: No more book. Catch up.
LORELAI: Crabby Rory alert.
RORY: I'm not crabby. I'm pumped. I'm feeling my oats.
LORELAI: Share the oats.
RORY: It's for GQ.
LORELAI: Oh, my God, you're at Conde Nast.
LORELAI: Still catching up?
RORY: I'm gonna write a piece that's gonna knock their socks off at GQ. Those are people who care about their socks.
LORELAI: They don't get them in bunches of three at the street fair I recon.
RORY: It's about lines in New York, about the people who stand in line for countless hours for what seems like minimal payout. It's about the people, their goals, their dreams.
LORELAI: I love this.
RORY: So do I. The Naomi thing was a waste of time, but I'm just going with the flow here.
LORELAI: It's always good to go...
RORY: Making things happen. Getting proactive. It's time to turn that corner.
LORELAI: I knew you could...
RORY: Turning the page. New leaf here.
LORELAI: Are you tap dancing?
RORY: And scaring the kids a little.
LORELAI: So, you're not upset about the book?
RORY: Uh, not in the least.
LORELAI: Okay. Well, do you want company?
RORY: Yes! Oh, yes!
LORELAI: Ha! I've been working seven-day weeks. I'd love a New York overnight.
RORY: Company would be great. I'd love company.
LORELAI: New York, here we come.
RORY: Be thinking about lines.
LORELAI: Like Scarface?
RORY: Wrong lines.
LORELAI: I'll adjust.
RORY: Gotta go. [To the kids.] It's showtime!
NEW YORK CITY
LORELAI: Oh sweet Jesus, it's early.
RORY: Don't walk with your eyes closed.
LORELAI: Trust me, plowing into scaffolding and falling backwards over the Citi Bike showed me the folly of that.
RORY: You're gonna be on New York.
LORELAI: If they make me look bad, I'm gonna punch Pat Kiernan right in the mansack. Is this Cronuts?
RORY: This is being hailed as the new Cronut.
LORELAI: How does the old Cronut feel?
LORELAI: What time does it open?
RORY: Not for two hours.
LORELAI: Holy spumoni.
RORY: I'm gonna start talking to people.
LORELAI: These are people? They look like meat sticks with head balls.
RORY: Do you wanna find some coffee?
LORELAI: Yes! Coffee.
RORY: No that way's the zombie McDonald's. Go the other way.
LORELAI: I would fit in there.
RORY: Too risky. Hit a street cart. I’m on it!
[Rory start interviewing people.]
RORY: Excuse me. [Rory sits down on the sidewalk.]
RORY: I'm doing a piece for GQ. Would you be willing to talk to me?
MAN: Sure. I definitely have time.
RORY: What brings you here today?
MAN: Well, I love pastry. And I'm a big Yelper, so I try to get to things before anyone else. I was one of the first to try a Cronut, and it was kind of a religious experience. I went back a couple times, then a couple times more. Now I'm pretty much on the hunt for the next thing, which is weird, 'cause I used to be tenaciously old-school. Donut Pub, Peter Pan, Vesuvio's. I would make fun of people in lines like this, but I mean, why not wait in line, get a good treat, and meet a bunch of people that have the same...
[Screen fades to black. Then a car hoon can be heard, Rory wakes up. Still sitting on the sidewalk.]
RORY: What happened?
MAN: Don't know. You were out for a while.
RORY: I'm just really tired. Sorry. [Lorelai returns] Where did you get that?
LORELAI: I went around the corner. The chef guy was taking out the trash. I chatted him up, and I got him to sneak a bunch of these out to me.
RORY: You can't do that.
LORELAI: Why not?
RORY: These people will tear you apart.
LORELAI: I'm starving.
RORY: Hide that. Don't let them see it. I'm just gonna take a little bite.
LORELAI: Me too. Just a little one.
RORY: To keep my energy up.
[Short time later.]
RORY: So three of you work, you're retired?
WOMAN: And I'm too old to be doing this.
RORY: And you have three kids, so this is a sacrifice as well as the pleasure.
ODETTE: Everyone needs a hobby, right?
LORELAI: [Steps in.] Here.
MAN: Where'd you get a hot dog at 7:30?
LORELAI: The guy had his cart. It wasn't open, but I waved some bills, danced around a little.
MARCY: Oh, God, is it really 7:30? I have to go.
RORY: Before you get your Cro-dough-cake?
LORELAI: That's the name?
MARCY: Breaks my heart, but my boss is in today. Good luck.
LORELAI: Psst, hey, kid, let me hook you up.
MARCY: Are you kidding?
LORELAI: I don't kid about a Cro-dough-cake. Take one.
MARCY: Oh! Bless you. Bye.
LORELAI: [To Rory] What? We had extra.
[Short time later, Rory interviewing someone else.]
RORY: I know there's a pecking order for tennis shoes.
MAN: Yeah, totally.
RORY: And these are out of a company in LA. What else is on your wish list?
MAN: I'd say any of the wear-test samples. Vintage but never worn. Those are impossible to find. My uncle actually has a pair of the original black and red Jordan 1s with the tag still on them.
RORY: Right, so these aren't for wearing.
MAN: No way.
LORELAI: Ugh, boy, does it smell like pot over here.
RORY: Welcome back.
LORELAI: Seriously, around the corner, it was like I bumped into a nine-foot joint. People in this line would eat that other line.
RORY: What do you have there?
RORY: What shoes?
LORELAI: The ones everyone's waiting for. They're pretty cool. I think they light up.
RORY: How did you get those?
LORELAI: Marcy, the girl I gave the Cro-dough-cake to, works there.
RORY: Of course. Excuse me, I'm working on a story for GQ today.
[A new line.]
LORELAI: Is this our next spot?
RORY: This was not on the agenda.
LORELAI: We just happened on this line?
RORY: Let's find out what it's for. Excuse me, what are you waiting for?
MAN: I don't know.
LORELAI: Definitely. Here's the front.
RORY: Hey, so what are you guys in line for?
MAN: Nothing. We're just eating lunch.
RORY: They're not even waiting for stuff.
LORELAI: Should we tell them?
LORELAI: Hey, these shoes are very comfortable. [Skipping]
LORELAI: So, what is this again?
RORY: Do you wanna say that a little louder?
RORY: It's video games, movie tie-in stuff.
LORELAI: There's nothing here I want.
RORY: Well you don’t come to shop, you came to hang out with me.
LORELAI: Mommy's feet are getting sore.
RORY: Mommy's been strong today.
LORELAI: Mommy is tiring.
RORY: Head back to the hotel, Mommy.
RORY: Yes, you were a big girl today.
LORELAI: I have some work to do.
RORY: Go do it, and take a bath and order room service. I won't be long.
LORELAI: Okay, good. [To the people behind them.] Ooh, nice costumes.
LORELAI: Hi. Did I fall asleep? I guess I fell asleep. Oh, great hotel. Great bed. No Lifetime channel. Good room service, though. Twenty-four hours. You hungry? Wow, you look weird. What's wrong?
RORY: I slept with a Wookiee!
LORELAI: Come again?
RORY: I slept with a Wookiee.
LORELAI: You slept with a...
RORY: Wookiee! Wookiee! I slept with a Wookiee! Don't make me keep saying it.
LORELAI: I'm sorry. I'm not getting this.
RORY: I was in that collectibles line.
LORELAI: Nothing good can follow that.
RORY: And I was interviewing people, and then, you know, the line moved up, and I kind of bonded with this one group, and I tagged along with them to P. J. Clarke's. We had burgers, and drinks, and more drinks, and then there was this guy
LORELAI: The Wookiee?
RORY: He was a guy dressed in a Wookiee costume. So he wasn't a Wookiee.
LORELAI: Got it. Go on.
RORY: He was nice. I was laughing. He was laughing.
LORELAI: They have that very deep laugh.
RORY: He was laughing in his own voice.
RORY: And then he invited me back to his place. And if you say, "Did you take the Millennium Falcon?" I'll smack you.
LORELAI: I said nothing.
RORY: I can't believe this.
LORELAI: Calm down.
RORY: A one-night stand. I just had a one-night stand. My first.
LORELAI: It's only a one-night stand if you don't see him again. Will you see him again?
RORY: He was wearing a Wookiee costume. No, I won't see him again.
LORELAI: That seems a little harsh.
RORY: A one-night stand. I'm 32, and I'm only now having a one-night stand?
LORELAI: It's your first one, huh?
LORELAI: I thought that's what college was for.
RORY: Exactly. I'm behind. I mean, how many have you had?
RORY: One-night stands.
LORELAI: Oh. None.
LORELAI: Yeah, none.
RORY: How can that be?
LORELAI: Well, mom at 16, for starters. Hot in Outlander, but elsewhere And I had you, and rules, and work, and rules. I had a couple three-night stands, if that helps.
RORY: Oh, perfect. I'm behind on everything.
LORELAI: No, you're not.
RORY: Really? I have no career, no apartment, but boy, oh boy, can I bang out a one-night stand.
LORELAI: You're too hard on yourself.
RORY: My love life is a disaster.
LORELAI: Did you not break up with Pete yet?
RORY: I'm not talking about him. I'm talking about.
RORY: You know.
LORELAI: No, who?
RORY: You know.
LORELAI: No, I don't know.
RORY: You really didn't know?
LORELAI: No. Since when? Whenever I'm in London, I stay with him.
RORY: So there's no Didi?
LORELAI: He's Didi.
LORELAI: Logan Huntzberger. I thought he was engaged to that French heiress.
RORY: He is.
RORY: They don't live together. She lives in Paris.
LORELAI: But they're engaged.
LORELAI: And they're getting married.
LORELAI: Well, if it makes you feel any better, that's way sluttier than a one-night stand.
RORY: That helps. Thanks.
LORELAI: Does Patrick know?
RORY: Paul! Paul! His name is Paul! And he doesn't know.
LORELAI: All right, calm down.
RORY: I'm blowing everything. My life, my career I'm flailing, and I don't have a plan, or a list, or a clue. This is karma. This is why Conde Nast will not follow up with me. They know failure when it walks in the door. I never found my lucky outfit. I needed it. It gives me confidence.
LORELAI: What is your lucky outfit?
RORY: Red dress, full skirt.
LORELAI: [Gasps] That's in my closet.
RORY: Are you kidding me?
LORELAI: No! It looks cute with boots.
RORY: Mom, you knew I was looking for that outfit.
LORELAI: Really? That red? It'll wash you out.
RORY: Great so not only did you steal my lucky outfit, you've now ruined the image I had of me in my outfit. Thanks a lot.
LORELAI: Come here. Sit. What is happening here? This isn't you. [Rory lies down on Lorelai’s be face up.] Panicking, lying
RORY: I didn't lie.
LORELAI: Ah, you didn't tell me about Logan. What's with not telling me about stuff?
RORY: I don't know.
LORELAI: What did you think I would do if you told me about Logan?
RORY: I don't know. I just I'm feeling very lost these days. This whole past year, it's like the ground's made of straw. I'm just gonna fall through.
LORELAI: Look, life has been pretty good to you so far. It was your turn for a few curveballs. Peaks and valleys, kid. The older you get, the more you have.
RORY: That whole line story was so stupid. I did it because they thought it was interesting. I didn't have a beat on it. I didn't feel it. I'm just a big, fat, Wookiee-humping loser with no future.
LORELAI: Honey wait. What about that website? The one that's been after you forever, begging you to come work for them? BrendaBlabs?
LORELAI: Go there.
RORY: Have you seen it?
LORELAI: Who cares? Go. Work. Be wanted. Be adored. So it's not the Washington Post. You're young, You’ve got time.
RORY: I'm not so young.
LORELAI: Hey! I'm young. You're young. Case closed.
LORELAI: Give them a call. You haven't had anything steady in forever. Stay in one place for a while. Plus they've been stalking you. That feels good a little, doesn't it?
RORY: Yeah. It's flattering.
LORELAI: So, give them a call.
RORY: I will give them a call.
LORELAI: Want me to order some comfort food? Some pot roast, mashed potatoes, banana split?
RORY: Sure. I'm gonna take a shower, get the Wookiee smell off me.
LORELAI: [Gasps] Wait wait, seriously. Did he leave the outfit on?
RORY: That's a conversation for another day.
LORELAI: Can that day be tomorrow? Because you don't leave me and my imagination alone with that information for too long!
SANDEE: Here we are, the nerve center.
RORY: Very cool. Simple.
SANDEE: Oh, we don't decorate much. We're expanding so fast, there's no reason to. We'll outgrow this place within a month. I don't waste money. My CFO appreciates it. Say hello to her. This is Patrice.
SANDEE: Patrice. Rory Gilmore. The one I was telling you about. We have no individual offices. Not even me. We work best in a hive, buzzing around each other, making word honey.
SANDEE: When you come in, you grab the nearest spot at the communal table. No hierarchy.
RORY: And together we storm the barricades.
RORY: Uh, so I didn't know I'd be getting a tour from Sandee herself. I thought my first stop would be HR.
SANDEE: Oh, HR still means homeroom to half the peeps here. We don't even have it. Come, sit.
SANDEE: [To someone else] Need Red Bull.
SANDEE: So, let's do this.
RORY: Yes. That is why I'm here. Should I have brought my laptop?
SANDEE: Well, first things first. If I take a chance on Rory Gilmore, what am I getting?
SANDEE: If I hire you, tell me what Rory Gilmore would write about for SandeeSays.
RORY: Oh. If I worked here?
SANDEE: Sell me.
RORY: Sell? Okay, we're selling. Um That's a totally different outfit.
RORY: Um, if I worked here, you'd be getting the person who wrote the New Yorker article you liked.
SANDEE: Yeah, but that's the New Yorker. We're not the New Yorker. Look around, everyone's got their hair.
RORY: Oh, right. Um, sorry. I just didn't have a pitch prepared.
SANDEE: That's a little weird. Thought you'd bring some ideas.
RORY: Don't get me wrong. I have ideas.
RORY: Um, stuff about the world, uh culture.
SANDEE: Pretty generic. You got anything specific?
RORY: You want specifics.
SANDEE: I'd love some.
RORY: Well, let's see. There could be something in, um, girls who go to Comic-Con type things and sleep with characters. Character-loving girls.
SANDEE: That sounds obscure. Very made-up.
RORY: Yes, it does.
SANDEE: So you're talking about loser girls. Like, they get drunk and they do something stupid. We've done that story a bunch of times. Different takes on it. I thought you knew our site.
RORY: Oh, I do. And you're right. I wouldn't want to repeat that.
SANDEE: Oh, shoot. Ugh, I've just been called into an emergency meeting.
LOBBY OF THE BUILDING
SANDEE: So, hi, it's Sandee.
SANDEE: Really appreciate you coming in for the job, but I've decided we're gonna go internal.
SANDEE: On the staff-writing job, we're going with one of our veterans, Kaitlynn. She's been here two months.
RORY: But it's an editing job.
SANDEE: Oh, wow, no. We're really picky about those.
RORY: You basically promised me the job.
SANDEE: You were a candidate.
RORY: What about "we gotta have Rory Gilmore's voice at SandeeSays"? You've been telling me that for a year.
SANDEE: I think Kaitlynn's going to be that.
RORY: So Kaitlynn is going to be the voice of Rory Gilmore? Are you high?
SANDEE: Don't be hostile.
RORY: I'm just a little pissed here.
SANDEE: I get it. You got your hopes up.
RORY: No, you got my hopes up. For a job that I didn't even want.
SANDEE: Oh, real nice. So you just felt like wasting my time.
RORY: No, you wasted my time.
SANDEE: Hey, I'm the CEO here. My time's a little more valuable. And another thing. It's weird that you have three different cell numbers. Super weird.
RORY: It's not. One is a work-only phone. The other's family-only, except when I'm in Stars Hollow and there's no reception, so I use the family phone for work. The other one is for friends, and work when it's overcast in Stars Hollow and the others don't work!
SANDEE: Get a better phone!
RORY: Get a better office!
SANDEE: Get a better attitude!
RORY: A better life!
SANDEE: Get lost!
RORY: [Flustered] Get shorty!
Rory takes the batteries out of 2 of her cell phones and dumps them in a trash bin before leaving the building.]
LORELAI AND LUKE’S HOUSE
RORY: [Panting.] Moving home!
[Lorelai doesn’t say anything as Rory goes into her room.]
END PART 2 SPRING
Written By Daniel Palladino
Transcribed by Craig Best for http://www.crazy-internet-people.com/site/gilmoregirls
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