written by Jed Seidel
directed by Alan Myerson
transcrpt by Vanessa
CUT TO RORY AND LORELAI WALKING ACROSS THE STREET.
LORELAI: Shopping for school supplies - party.
RORY: Nobody demanded that you come.
LORELAI: Are you kidding? How of ten do you get to do things like this? I was thinking, while were going crazy, we should get some toilet paper and a plunger next.
RORY: Ill just do this later.
LORELAI: No, Im teasing. Come on, get that list of your.
RORY: Ok [puts out a list] I need legal pads,
LORELAI: Got it.
RORY: Tons of pens,
RORY: Some number 2 pencils, three highlighters, an eraser a staple remover and a folder.
LORELAI: You need 3 highlighters?
LORELAI: Thats a very random number.
RORY: Three is not a random number.
LORELAI: No but I mean how did you get to the number 3?
RORY: One dries up, one gets lost, I have one left.
LORELAI: You have really thought this out.
RORY: Yes, I have.
LORELAI: What came first - the chicken or the egg.
RORY: Can we get back to this list please.
LORELAI: Alright. Ooh, hey, legal pads.
RORY: No. Those are purple.
LORELAI: Yes, purple is festive.
RORY: I cant have purple
LORELAI: Yes you can, theyre on sale.
RORY: Im going to a serious school now, I need serious paper.
LORELAI: Papers paper.
RORY: Not at Chilton.
LORELAI: Alright, fine. Here is your serious paper.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Ooh and here are you somber highlighters, your maudlin pencils, your manic-depressive pens.
LORELAI: Now these erasers are on lithium so they may seem cheerful but we actually caught them trying to shove themselves in the pencil sharpener earlier.
RORY: Im going home now.
LORELAI: No wait! Were going to stage an intervention with the neon post-its and make them give up their wacky crazy ways.
RORY: Youre never coming shopping with me again.
LORELAI: Ooh heres a card tray - [fades into intro]
CUT TO BUS OUTSIDE CHILTON
[Rory gets off the bus with bags, runs back into the bus for two more bags, then runs back into the bus a third time for another two.
CUT TO MR. MEDINAS CLASSROOM
MAX: Decent effort by most [handing back tests] Good effort by some, exceptional effort by two. Miss Geller, Miss Grant. Ms. Graham. Miss Gilmore [ hands Rory her paper with a D] Take these home, learn from your mistakes. Look at the large red circles around various parts of your paper as friendly reminders that to err is human. And that here at Chilton we try to beat that humanity right outta ya! Ok, next up. The test - the dreaded test. Shakespeare! The man weve been droning on about for the last three weeks, finally comes back to haunt us on Friday. This is a big one my friends - multiple choice with an essay section that will count for 20% of your grade for this semester. And dont be fooled by my kind face and charming personality. This test will be hard, and there will be no makeups. [bell rings] Refer to the study materials that I gave you at the beginning of the month and those extensive notes I know youve been taking.
PARIS: Hard paper.
PARIS: Howd you do?
PARIS: Me too.
LOUISE: Oh small world.
PARIS: Isnt it? Madeline whatd you get?
MADELINE: You know I got a B
PARIS: A Bs not bad.
LOUISE: Oh not at all.
PARIS: Respectable even
LOUISE: Id be proud.
PARIS: A D however, that would be cause for concern.
LOUISE: A cry for help.
PARIS: A job application at McDonalds.
LOUISE: Would you like fries with that?
PARIS: Hey, you know, not everybody can be smart. As my mother always says, somebody has to answer the phones.
MADELINE: Ok, I have no idea what you two are talking about.
PARIS: No, but Rory does. [as the three go in another direction]
TRISTIN: Hey Mary.
RORY: And it just keeps getting better.
TRISTIN: Oh you look sad.
RORY: Im fine.
TRISTIN: Bad grade?
RORY: I have to go.
TRISTIN: You know what Mary, [stopping her] see I cant figure out why were not friends. I think its because I make you nervous.
RORY: I think its because you cant learn my name.
TRISTIN: Do you have a boyfriend?
RORY: None of your business.
TRISTIN: Is that a no?
RORY: Is there no one else at this school you can bother?
TRISTIN: See, I think you like me, you just dont know how to say it.
RORY: Oh boy.
TRISTIN: What are you doing Friday night?
RORY: Im busy.
TRISTIN: What, you gotta be back at the convent by 5.
RORY: Please leave me alone.
TRISTIN: Well...since you said please [steps aside] Later...Mary.
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Drella runs her harp into Michel.]
MICHEL: Aah! You imbecil!!
DRELLA: Back off chevalier.
MICHEL: Youre stupid, blind and clumsy.
DRELLA: Well at least Im not French.
LORELAI: Hey, whats going on?
MICHEL: She ran over my shoe.
DRELLA: He got in the way.
MICHEL: You aimed for me.
DRELLA: Yeah well.
LORELAI: Ok, hold on.
MICHEL: She scratched my shoes.
DRELLA: What a baby.
MICHEL: These are $300 Italian loafers.
DRELLA: Wonder if Versace makes a pacifier.
MICHEL: Youre fired.
LORELAI: Excuse me?
DRELLA: You cant fire me.
MICHEL: Then I dock your pay.
MICHEL: Can I kill her.
LORELAI: Not before high tea.
MICHEL: Fine, then I will curse you constantly and in several languages.
DRELLA: Going for the other foot.
LORELAI: Oh no! Drella, to your corner now [Drella leaves]
MICHEL: I win.
LORELAI: Michel youre a grown man, now go to your desk and act like one.
[Lorelai rifles through mail]
LORELAI: Oh my God! [goes to kitchen]
LORELAI: Sookie, Sookie.
SOOKIE: Ok, ok, just a minute.
LORELAI: Ive got it.
SOOKIE: The review?
LORELAI: Its here.
SOOKIE: Ooh, where it is?
LORELAI: Im looking.
[Rory enters with tons of bags]
LORELAI: Oh, behold in theaters now, the thing that reads a lot
[Rory drops all the bags at once]
SOOKIE: Glass measuring cup. Lorelai look, look.
LORELAI: Im sorry.
RORY: Jeez, whos naked?
LORELAI: Uh, Lucent Mills - food critic.
RORY: Yeah? Hows his butt?
LORELAI: Oh, no. Hes supposed to do a review of the restaurant - oh, here it is.
SOOKIE: Is it - its it good? Is he mean, should I cry?
LORELAI: Here we go. The words divine, delectable and delirious dont begin to describe the delicious experience of dining at the Independence Inn. Oh Im smelling rave!!
LORELAI: Only chef Sookie St. James can make a simple salad of hot house tomatoes and assorted fresh herbs seem like a religious experience. Her lobster bisque is worth every sinful cream filled rich sip
SOOKIE: See I dont use that much cream. I just use a very concentrated lobster stock and it really makes it -
LORELAI: Sookie, hes not here.
SOOKIE: Ok, go on.
LORELAI: The entrees are as heavenly as the starters. Though the much lauded risotto was perfectly fine, it was the simple handkerchief pasta with brown sage in a butter sauce that sent me through the roof Sookie this is unbelievable! Im going to have this framed for the dining room!
SOOKIE: Oh, yeah. Thatd be swell. Can I see that again?
LORELAI: Yeah. So we should celebrate huh? [doing a little twisty dance step towards Rory] Girls on the town?
RORY: I cant. I have to study.
SOOKIE: You know I should really get started on this shopping list.
LORELAI: What is going on here? We are young and fiery women. Studying? Shopping lists? Wheres to hell with it all? Wheres Throwing caution to the wind? Wheres - oh shoot - the linen delivery [leaves]
RORY: You go girl.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
LORELAI: News is on.
RORY: One sec.
LORELAI: [to herself]For our top story tonight, a grisly horrible thing that happened in a small town where not grisly horrible things ever happen. Everyones shocked. House slides down hill. Liposuction kills, stay fat. [turns off tv] Hey lets get ice cream. Im bored. [goes into kitchen where Rory is studying] Hello?
RORY: Mom, Im studying.
LORELAI: Yeah, but Im talking ice cream. Cant you take a break?
RORY: I cant take a break right now.
LORELAI: Ok, when?
RORY: Are you four?
LORELAI: No, Im hungry!
RORY: Have some more pizza.
LORELAI: Its cold.
RORY: Heat it up.
LORELAI: Its not the same.
RORY: Lorelai go to your room!
LORELAI: Wow, smart girls are mean.
RORY: If you let me study now, Ill play with you this weekend.
RORY: Yes, we can do anything you want.
LORELAI: Will you go to the shoe sale with me.
LORELAI: Will you let me try on anything I want.
LORELAI: Will you help me push other people out of the way if theyre going for my size?
RORY: Ill even run interference for you.
LORELAI: Alright, youve got a deal. [leaves kitchen]
LORELAI: [comes back in] So - Im sorry - where did we land on the whole ice cream issue?
[Rory gets up and goes to her room]
CUT TO RORY ON HER WAY TO LANES
RORY: Right or left?!
[Rory goes left]
RORY: I thought you said left!
LANE: Sorry - my left, your right!
RORY: Ok. Marco...
RORY: Hey Marco.
LANE: Hey Polo, youre late.
RORY: Sorry. What is that?
LANE: 12 calories.
RORY: Here [gives her a snickers]
LANE: Oh my God bless you!
[Rory pulls out a big binder]
LANE: Man, whats that?
RORY: My notes.
RORY: I dont think Shakespeare knew himself this well
WOMAN: Ooh, I like, how much?
MRS. KIM: $500
WOMAN: Is that the best you can do?
MRS. KIM: $450
WOMAN: Im not so sure [turns to leave]
MRS. KIM: $375 and you take it right now.
MRS. KIM: We appreciate your business. [to girls] Move.
RORY: [as they pack up their books] I really miss Stars Hollow High.
LANE: Youre kidding right?
RORY: No. Chiltons just - I dont know, hard.
LANE: What do you care? You were always miss everything-so-easy-at-school. This should be a snap for you.
[They start to put their books down on a table]
MRS. KIM: No, this is sold. Move. Whats that? [at snickers]
RORY: Oh, thats mine.
MRS. KIM: That is chocolate covered death.
RORY: With a creamy caramel surprise.
[they move again]
LANE: Um, so this guy asked about you today.
RORY: What guy?
LANE: The new kid - tall, perfect.
RORY: Whatd he want to know?
LANE: Where you were.
RORY: Well whatd you say?
LANE: Oh I told him you were just too smart for us and that you had to go to the genius school.
LANE: He really like that. I guess he must be into brainy chicks.
RORY: Well Ill keep my eyes open for one for him. [putting stuff down on another table]
MRS. KIM: No - sold.
MRS. KIM: Move.
LANE: Well where do you want us to go?
MRS. KIM: Library.
LANE: I hate sales!!
CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN
[Drella is playing the harp]
LORELAI: No Black Sabbath.
DRELLA: No one is listening.
LORELAI: No Black Sabbath, no Steely Dan, no Boston and no Queen.
DRELLA: What happened to make you so cold?
LORELAI: We like that Mozart [heads towards the kitchen.]
DRELLA: I am the Artie Shaw of harpists.
[Lorelai enters kitchen]
LORELAI: Sookie, I need coffee to go.
SOOKIE: [holding her head in her hands] Theres fresh over there.
LORELAI: Ooh, good. [picks up an empty pot] Fresh in my first lifetime as Joan of Arc.
SOOKIE: Oh sorry. I thought I made fresh. Here. [pours water]
LORELAI: Bless you. Im so exhausted and I have to drive into Hartford tonight to go to a parent/teacher meeting.
SOOKIE: [sadly] Sounds great.
LORELAI: Yeah. This school is so different from Stars Hollow you know. They send home like a thousand pages of updates every week. Its a very intense place.
SOOKIE: Uh - huh.
LORELAI: Last week there was a huge debate over whether plaid scrunchies were acceptable head wear. People took sides, things got ugly, the scrunchie motion finally passed and Id like to think I was the tie breaker.
SOOKIE: Thats nice.
LORELAI: Hey, whats the matter sweetie?
SOOKIE: He said it was fine.
LORELAI: Who said it was fine.
SOOKIE: Lucent Mills.
LORELAI: The restaurant critic.
SOOKIE: He said my risotto was fine.
LORELAI: Well isnt it?
SOOKIE: No its not fine. Fine is a word you use when someone stops you on the street that you sort of know but you dont wanna talk to, so they ask you how you are and you say fine and thats just enough so they dont have to keep talking because they dont want to. And then they can feel good about themselves because theyve been considerate enough to ask and then if God forbid something actually is wrong theyll actually sit down and take the time to listen, even though they dont want to.
LORELAI: Sweetie, I dont think he meant fine as a slam or as a monologue.
SOOKIE: He couldnt have meant it any other way.
LORELAI: Sookie, I hate to see you get so upset over one little review.
SOOKIE: This is pride Lorelai. I mean you know about this risotto. I mean on my mothers deathbed -
LORELAI: You made the risotto and she lived three more years.
SOOKIE: She was supposed to be dead. The doctor said she wouldnt make it through the night.
LORELAI: And she lived because of the risotto - the magic risotto.
SOOKIE: And this guy had the nerve to say it was fine
LORELAI: I dont think he knew the story.
SOOKIE: Urgh! [Jackson comes in]
JACKSON: Ok, now before you get all goofy on me, I dont have your procinis. I forgot them. I dont have any other excuse other than plain old stupid human error. And I have the morels, which I know you dont want. So come on - let me have it.
SOOKIE: Morels are fine.
JACKSON: [putting box down] Did anyone else feel the shift in the space-time continuum?
LORELAI: A reviewer didnt like the risotto.
JACKSON: The magic risotto? Youre kidding.
LORELAI: Well, I gotta go, so try and cheer her up would you?
JACKSON: Uh sure.
LORELAI: [to Sookie] Sweetie please dont worry about it. Everyone knows youre the best.
JACKSON: So, I hear the huckleberry crops are gonna totally suck this year!
[Sookie just looks at him.]
CUT TO CHILTON
MAX: We are gonna be focusing on Elizabethan literature. Shakespeare, Marlowe, Bacon, Ben Jonson, John Webster -
DAD #1: Yeah, is Marlowe really that significant?
MAX: Well we wanna give as complete an overview as possible.
MOM #1: Yes but will he be included on the Advance Placement test?
MAX: Well we cant know exactly what will be on the AP test, but it will definitely be important for future studies when your kids hit their universities.
DAD #1: But to get there, they need to pass the AP test.
MAX: Right, well its all important and it could all be on the test.
MOM #2: How do we find out?
MAX: Well you can bribe somebody on the AP committee [parents start to discuss amongst themselves]
MAX: I was just kidding. Im just kidding.
LORELAI: Im so sorry. I had this terrible pot hole incident. And - you dont care. Please go on. [walks into globe]
MAX: Whoa, whoa.
LORELAI: What in the world? [attempt at a joke that no one laughs at]
MAX: You ok?
LORELAI: Uh huh. Ill just sit now.
MAX: I dont think weve met.
LORELAI: Oh, Im Lorelai Gilmore - Rorys mom.
MAX: Glad you could join us. [to parents] Rory is one of our new students.
MOM #1: How nice. Now the AP test -
MAX: Right well, we are preparing them as best we can [Lorelai serving herself some coffee]
MOM: Ive hired a tutor for Bethany.
MAX: Always a valid option.
LORELAI: Mmm. Jesus, Mary, Joseph and a camel [whispers] This is really bad coffee. [louder] So this AP test, what are we going to do about it huh?
MAX: Well the next test is scheduled for next month, um, the 25th, Saturday at 7:00 am. [Lorelai raises her hand] Ms. Gilmore?
LORELAI: Uh, where is the test?
MAX: It will be given here.
MAX: Great, any other questions?
LORELAI: Yeah, um, can parents come?
MOM #1: What?!
LORELAI: Yeah, its a big exciting test. I just thought - Im sorry is that stupid?
MAX: No its not stupid.
LORELAI: I just thought Id like to see the excitement.
DAD #2: Its a test.
LORELAI: Yeah I know.
DAD #2: Whats exciting about a test?
LORELAI: Do you play golf?
DAD #2: Yes I do.
LORELAI: You explain yours, Ill explain mine.
MAX: Ok, why dont we get back to the meeting.
MOM #1 [to Mom #2] Thats the one who voted for the scrunchies.
MOM #2: Must be a scholarship student.
LORELAI: Um excuse me -
MAX: You know, I think this would be a good time for a break. Theres coffee in the back.
[Lorelai stand up by the black board]
MAX: What were you gonna do - hit her?
LORELAI: No, I just - I had some good verbal comebacks ready.
LORELAI: It - it just keeps getting worse.
MAX: Well you know not drinking it is always an option.
LORELAI: Not in my world.
MAX: Im Max Medina.
LORELAI: Nice to meet you.
MAX: I apologize for the behaviors of some of our guests tonight. Its a tense time for some people.
LORELAI: The SAT season?
MAX: The waking hours. [Lorelai giggles]
LORELAI: Hey, are you this nice to my kid?
MAX: Yeah, its easy. Rorys a sweet girl.
LORELAI: Yeah she is, she is.
MAX: [pulling her aside] How is she liking Chilton?
LORELAI: Oh, she loves it.
LORELAI: Oh yeah. I mean its an adjustment of course, but shes always wanted to go to Harvard and this is how shell get there.
LORELAI: Yeah. Ever since she could crawl, Ive really wanted her to go there.
MAX: Its a great school.
LORELAI: I actually bought her a Harvard sweatshirt when she was 4, which of course was way too big for her, so she used it as a blanket for a while and then as a make shift diaper on this really ill-fated shopping trip and now Ive told you a story that would so mortify her, shell kill me when she finds out you know.
MAX: Dont tell her then. Itll be our secret.
LORELAI: Well I appreciate that.
MAX: So are you a B-52s girl?
LORELAI: What? [looks at her shirt and giggles] No, Im a klutz girl who should not drive with a coffee in her hand. I, uh, had it in the car.
MAX: You know I hope Rory adjust to this place. We need her here.
LORELAI: Thank you. Thats so nice.
MAX: And I hope shes not too disappointed about her paper. Because its very hard to catch up on all that reading material. I know a D seems pretty dismal -
LORELAI: Rory got a D?
MAX: Yeah, but -
LORELAI: Shes never gotten a D.
MAX: Its the first paper shes had to turn in, shes bound to falter a little.
LORELAI: Oh man, this totally explains the no ice cream thing. God Im such and idiot!
MAX: The ice cream thing?
LORELAI: Look, I-Ive gotta go.
MAX: Well Im sorry if Ive said something to offend you.
LORELAI: Oh no-no-no-no. Its just that if Rory got a D, shes not feeling too good right now and Id really like to be there.
MAX: I understand.
LORELAI: So, it was nice meeting you.
MAX: You too.
LORELAI: Um, keep up the good work.
MAX: I will.
LORELAI: Dont ever make coffee ever again.
MAX: I wont I promise. Oh - [Lorelai almost walks into globe again.]
LORELAI: Oh, ha ha ha. Thanks. [grabs purse] Bye.
CUT TO LUKES
[Rorys sitting at a table, tries to write but the tip of her pencil breaks. She throws it in frustration.]
RORY: Whats that?
LUKE: You look like you need pie.
RORY: I do?
LUKE: Violent pencil tossing usually signals the need for pie.
RORY: What if Id thrown a pen?
LUKE: I wouldve brought you a trout.
LUKE: I dont make the rules, I just carry them out.
[Lorelai comes in]
LORELAI: Hey, Backwards baseball hat - new look for you. [looks at Rory] Shes eating pie? Did she even have dinner?
LUKE: You raised her, I just serve.
[Lorelai goes and sits with Rory]
LORELAI: Oh hello, bookworm.
RORY: Finally, where were you?
LORELAI: Well, um, actually I was in Hartford.
LORELAI: I was there for the... [signals Rory to finish the sentence]
RORY: Parent/teacher meeting. Oh, my God. I forgot.
LORELAI: It went very well. I was extremely charming. I won the whole crowd over. They made me queen.
RORY: So I guess you talked to Mr. Medina.
LORELAI: Mm-hm. Why did you let me whine about ice cream and shoe sales when you had something major going on?
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: I hate when Im an idiot and I dont even know it. I like to be aware of my idiocy - to really revel in it, take pictures. I feel we missed a prime Christmas card opportunity.
RORY: Im sorry.
LORELAI: You shouldve told me.
RORY: I couldnt.
LORELAI: You couldnt tell me? You tell me everything.
RORY: It was too humiliating.
LORELAI: Oh, honey, you once told me that you loved Saved by the Bell. What could be more humiliating than that.?
RORY: I couldnt form the words. I couldnt even say it. I couldnt even comprehend it. It was
a D. I got a D, Ive never gotten a D - ever.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Even when I broke my arm and couldnt write for a month, I still got an A-
LORELAI: That was a different school.
RORY: I know. It was Stars Hollow High. A D at Stars Hollow is like an F at Chilton. Its worse, its like a G or a W.
LORELAI: So Im guessing the spelling test didnt go well either?
RORY: A D. I suck.
LORELAI: You dont suck.
RORY: I cant do this.
LORELAI: Listen, a D is bad, ok. But all this talk about I suck and I cant do this and self pity - thats worse. Thats not you. You didnt feel sorry for yourself when it took you three months to learn how to ride a bike, and you wont now.
RORY: Four months.
RORY: It took me four months
LORELAI: Really? Four months?
RORY: Yeah, you wanna belabor the conversation?
LORELAI: Alright, forget about the bike. Listen, a D is one grade. Its not the end of the world. Youll catch up, youll do better. You are of hardy stubborn stock, my dear. If theres one thing I gave you, its my stubbornness.
RORY: Im not stubborn.
LORELAI: Yes you are.
RORY: No Im not.
LORELAI: Fine youre not.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Youre welcome. You can do this Rory and I will help you. I will get you through this, now put that D behind you. Now whats next?
RORY: I have a test on Friday.
LORELAI: Ooh a test! Great!
RORY: Its on Shakespeare.
LORELAI: Bard with a beard - love it!
RORY: Its worth 20% of my grade.
LORELAI: Just makes life interesting. Now what do we have to do to get you an A on that test.
RORY: Do you really think I can do this?
LORELAI: I bet you a dollar.
RORY: Thats it? Thats all my futures worth - one dollar.
LORELAI: Well you did get a D.
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rory is sitting on a bench reading. Paris comes up behind her]
PARIS: Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments, love is not love which alters when it alterations finds or bends with the remover to remove - oh no! It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. It is the star to every wandering bark who worths unknown although his height be taken Youre going down.
CUT TO INN KITCHEN.
LORELAI: Hey, Sookie, do you know what the menus gonna be - [ Sookie shoves risotto into her mouth]
SOOKIE: Wait, I got another one [shoves more into Lorelais mouth.] Better?
SOOKIE: Wait, I got one more - one more [shoves more into her mouth again]
LORELAI: Sookie! Whats with all the risotto? Have we gone theme now? Ooh, is it gonna be like the scotch tape store?
SOOKIE: Look, Ive made 40 recipes, ok, 40. And every single time I come back to the same conclusion.
LORELAI: That youre is better?
LORELAI: It is!
[Waiter, Brian, comes into the kitchen.]
BRIAN: You were looking for me?
SOOKIE: Yes, great! Three weeks ago, guy comes in, Lucent Mills, orders the risotto, doesnt like it.
BRIAN: The magic risotto? Youre kidding.
LORELAI: Not helping.
SOOKIE: Hes a restaurant critic. He ordered lots of things - probably didnt finish them. Now in his review he said his waiter had a goatee. Now youve got a goatee, and so you waited on him and I need info.
BRIAN: Well what did he look like?
SOOKIE: Like hes unhappy with the risotto! Or maybe he had an annoying table companion with him that wouldnt let him concentrate on what he was eating.
BRIAN: Well I serve a lot of people.
SOOKIE: He had a beard, or false teeth, or wig, or those glasses with a big nose.
BRIAN: [to Lorelai] May I be fired now?
LORELAI: Absolutely. [Brian leaves, Sookie follows]
SOOKIE: What about a guy with an annoying companion and a fake wig who was sitting underneath an air conditioning vent next to a woman with too much perfume on?!?
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
LORELAI: The Comedy of Errors - written?
LORELAI: Ooh 1623 - close
RORY: How is 1623 close?
LORELAI: You got the 16 part right.
RORY: I was off by 75 years
LORELAI: Well anything under 100 years is close.
RORY: What kind of rule is that?
LORELAI: Im running the study session here. Ok. Richard III?
LORELAI: [Makes buzzer sound]
LORELAI: [Makes buzzer sound]
LORELAI: [Makes buzzer sound]
RORY: Ok, thats getting really annoying now
LORELAI: [Makes small buzzer sound]
[Pan to later the save evening]
[Lorelai comes into living room with coffee]
LORELAI: Go on, Im listening.
RORY: The sonnets are 154 poems of 14 lines
RORY: Except for 126 which is 12 lines.
RORY: They are written in iambic pentameter.
RORY: Except 145 which is in tetrameter.
LORELAI: Rock on sister.
LORELAI: Not one mistake.
LORELAI: How do you feel?
LORELAI: Yeah well, I dont think the fries and the horseradish sauce was the best idea we ever had.
RORY: It was satisfying in the moment though
LORELAI: I think youre going to blow that class away tomorrow.
RORY: You think?
LORELAI: I think. What do you say we call it a night and get some beauty sleep?
RORY: You go, I wanna review my notes one more time.
LORELAI: Oh thats ok, Ill stay up.
RORY: [ as she goes into the kitchen] Mom, go to sleep.
LORELAI: No, Im not even tired. I was just thinking of you.
[Pan to later that night, Rory goes into the living room and finds Lorelai asleep on the couch. She covers her with a blanket and goes back to the kitchen. Later that night, Lorelai wakes up and goes into the kitchen to find Rory asleep at the table. She sits down and puts the blanket around Rory as well and falls asleep as well.]
[Pan to morning]
RORY: No! Oh no! [Rory runs into her room]
LORELAI: Oh jeez [lifting her head] Such a bad sleeping idea.
RORY: Im late!
RORY: Im late, Im late. I woke up late!
LORELAI: Rory calm down.
RORY: I cant calm down! I missed my bus! Get up.
LORELAI: Sweetie, mommy cant get up right now. Mommys been sleeping at a right angle all night.
RORY: Im gonna miss the test! [comes out with her uniform over her t-shirt and jogging pants, putting on her shoes]
LORELAI: No youre not [Shoves a binder into Rorys school bag and give it to her] Ill get the keys. Well go right now. Lets go! Lets go! [grabs her purse] Oh!! I cant take you!
RORY: You have to!
LORELAI: I have a meeting at the inn at 8!
LORELAI: Ok, wait. Ok. Think, listen. Here, you drive.
LORELAI: Yeah, you drive. Ill get a ride with Sookie. Take the phone, take the keys, go!
RORY: Are you sure?
LORELAI: Go, go, go, go!!
RORY: Im gone!
LORELAI: Good luck!!
CUT TO RORY DRIVING
[She stops at a stop sign and calls Lane whos listening to music]
RORY: Did I leave a set of my notes at your house yesterday?
LANE: Where are you?
RORY: Im driving to school. I need to check something and I cant find some of my notes.
LANE: Ok, hold on let me check [comes out of her closet and looks around her room] I dont see anything.
RORY: What did I do with them?
LANE: Well, maybe its downstairs in the store?
RORY: Maybe I just - [loud bang and car moved]
RORY: Oh my God!
LANE: Are you alright?
RORY: I just got hit by a deer.
LANE: You hit a deer?
RORY: No! I got hit by a deer!
LANE: How do you get hit by a deer?
RORY: I was at a stop sign and he just hit me! Oh my God! [Getting out to look for deer]
LANE: Was it a 4-way stop?
RORY: What does that matter?
LANE: I dont know. I dont know what to ask after youve been hit by a deer.
RORY: I dont see him.
LANE: Well put salt down. Deers love salt.
RORY: Where am I gonna get salt from?
LANE: Do you have a lunch?
RORY: I dont see him any where. [as she tries to take off her jogging pants] What if hes hurt.
LANE: Rory your test
RORY: What time is it?
LANE: Its 7:40
RORY: No! [runs back to the car with one pant leg on, one off.]
CUT TO CHILTON
[Rorys running down the hall pulling her socks up, taking out her ponytail ad tucking in her shirt]
RORY: Im sorry.
MAX: Everyone back to your tests. Miss Gilmore youre gonna have to wait in the library.
RORY: But what about the test?
MAX: Im afraid youve missed the test.
MAX: We start class promptly at 8:05
MAX: Thats when I need people to be in their seats.
MAX: Im sorry but its the rules.
RORY: But you dont understand! I was up all night studying and then I missed my bus so I had to drive--
MAX: Lets discuss this outside.
RORY: So Im driving down this road and I stop and I get hit by a deer.
MAX: You hit a deer?
RORY: No I got hit by a deer. You dont believe me? Ive got antler prints on the side of my mothers car.
MAX: Rory, come on.
RORY: No! You have to let me take this test. Im ready for this test. I know everything there is to know about Shakespeare.
MAX: Ok, ok, you have to calm down now.
RORY: I know his birthday and his mothers name and that kind of -
PARIS: [whispers to Louise] Loser.
RORY: [turning around to her] And just what is wrong with you huh?! You already have everything! You already have the grades and the status. What the hell is wrong with you that you have this constant need to be the biggest jerk in the entire world?!
MAX: Ok, lets go.
RORY: Huh?! Whats ?! Whats up quippy?! Why so silent?
MAX: Outside - now
[walks by Tristin whos smiling]
RORY: And for the last time - the names RORY!
CUT TO INN
LORELAI: Make sure that carpet is replaced perfectly before they go
LORELAI: I mean perfectly. Nailed down and everything.
MICHEL: Oh you mean that perfectly. Oh I thought you meant the other perfectly. You know the one that could be misinterpreted by the other Michel. You know the one who couldnt understand what you meant by perfectly. [Lorelai closes book and leaves]
DRELLA: Hey what do you think about Pat Benatar?
LORELAI: Great idea, can she play the harp?
SOOKIE: Whoo! Whoo-hoo!! [Sookie is dancing around in the kitchen] I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! [Lorelai comes in] I found it, I found it!
LORELAI: You found what?
SOOKIE: His bill! I found his bill!
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
SOOKIE: It wasnt the risotto, it was the wine! He ordered the wrong wine!
LORELAI: Oh, well great!
SOOKIE: See in the review, he mentioned something about a summer tomato salad which Ive only made once in the last 3 weeks because Jackson of course decides to get into a fist fight with his tomato grower - thats a different story.
LORELAI: Yes - save it for Christmas time.
SOOKIE: So Brian, the goatee waiter, only worked one shift last week because his girlfriend kicked him out and he had to move.
LORELAI: Celia kicked him out?
SOOKIE: Well, he didnt want kids.
LORELAI: But she knew that when they moved in.
SOOKIE: Women always think they can change men.
SOOKIE: So anyhow, I checked the dates, I narrowed the day down and I found a party that had ordered practically everything on the menu including -
LORELAI: The magic risotto!
SOOKIE: Yes, the risotto and a riesling. Ha! A riesling
LORELAI: Why not just drink battery acid.
SOOKIE: Exactly! Changes the entire flavor of the dish. And the fact that Brian even served it makes me think Celia is a little bit better off without him.
LORELAI: Im so glad hon, oh! [they hug giggling]
[Jackson comes in]
JACKSON: Ok, here are the zucchinis
[Sookie takes one and looks at it]
SOOKIE: Too small, takeem away!
JACKSON: Oh, its good to have her back huh
JACKSON: Yeah [pause] Youre still gonna have to pay for the zucchini
[Lorelai smiles. Turns to go as Michel comes in]
MICHEL: There is a man with a funny accent on the phone asking for you.
LORELAI: Really? Did you guys exchange the secret handshake? [giggles with Jackson] Lorelai here [into the phone]
CUT TO CHILTON
LORELAI: Rory what happened?
RORY: I got hit by a deer.
LORELAI: You got what?
RORY: And then I was late and they wouldn't let me take the test.
LORELAI: [gasps] What?!
RORY: They wouldnt let me take the test so I -
LORELAI: Oh no youre kidding me?
LORELAI: No, its ok. Just sit right here, Ill handle this.
[Goes into Headmaster Charlestons office. Pan to inside Headmasters office]
LORELAI: Excuse me. Hello.
CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore. Please come in.
LORELAI: Thank you.
CHARLESTON: Have a seat.
LORELAI: Um, I think theres been a terrible mistake. Rory told me that she wasnt allowed to take her test.
CHARLESTON: She was late.
LORELAI: Right, well, see there were circumstances beyond her control. Rory is never late. Shes almost annoyingly on time. I think if you checked your records -
CHARLESTON: Past performance has nothing to do with todays situation.
LORELAI: Ok, but see, she was up all night studying, I was there, she has a witness.
CHARLESTON: Shes not on trial here.
LORELAI: Well your honor [pause] just a little trial humor, that wont happen again. Um, see, she got up late, she broke her neck to get here. We dont like locally as you know.
CHARLESTON: The dog at my homework -
LORELAI: Excuse me?
CHARLESTON: My computer crashed and I lost my midterm.
LORELAI: I wasnt making excuses.
CHARLESTON: My grandmother and 1st cousin died. My sister took my report to school instead of hers, my religion prohibits studying after sundown. I went blind last night but Im fine now.
LORELAI: Thats not Rory.
CHARLESTON: [getting up] Ms. Gilmore, rules are rules. When youre late, you forfeit the right to take the test.
LORELAI: Where are you going? [to Max] Where is he going?
MAX: Lorelai please, believe me if I could do anything I would.
LORELAI: Yes, you could let her take the test.
MAX: Im afraid I cant.
LORELAI: Well thats not fair.
CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore, we are not here to be fair, we are here to educate.
LORELAI: Yes and Im asking you to please educate my kid.
CHARLESTON: We will, when shes on time. Have a nice day.
LORELAI: Are you holding that door open for a reason?
CHARLESTON: Our meeting is over.
LORELAI: Like hell it is.
LORELAI: Do you have any idea what we have gone through this week? We have been up all night every night studying. We havent slept. We havent talked about anything else except this school and this test for seven days. We have stretched ourselves as thin as humanly possible without going completely postal. My God! Were only one person!
CHARLESTON: Why dont we narrow our field conversation down to Rory.
LORELAI: Ok, yeah, why dont we. You sit up here in your snotty little school thats in desperate need of some extra heating vents and you nurture horrible kids who treat each other like mortal enemies. You set impossible standards that make normal people feel less than everyone else. And you take a great kid like Rory and you tear her apart!
MAX: I dont think thats completely fair.
LORELAI: [to Max] And you! You say shes smart and shell be fine and this rotting stodgy rathole could use somebody like her and then you completely shut her out of a test that shes crammed for, that shes ready for, that she completely deserves to take!
MAX: I didnt call this place a rathole
LORELAI: Oh no thats true. I added that. Wouldnt want you to get in trouble with Il duce here. I thought this place was going to be so great! And now I guess this goes on the Boy was I wrong list, right above gauchos but just below the Flashdance phase.
CHARLESTON: My goodness you do like to throw fits in your family.
LORELAI: What are you talking about?
CHARLESTON: Your daughter threw a similar if not as manic fit of her own this morning.
LORELAI: Please. Rory doesnt throw fits. Shes the most even tempered person I know.
CHARLESTON: Well then, she did a lovely impression of you.
LORELAI: Well I dont -
CHARLESTON: Ms. Gilmore, everything you said in your rant was absolutely true - without the colorful embellishments of course. We do set impossible standards, and such standards do foster highly competitive children. However that is life and that is Chilton.
LORELAI: Rules can change, you can change them.
CHARLESTON: I told your daughter when she came here that this place was not for everyone and might not be for her. I will now tell you the same thing. She doesnt have to be here. She doesnt have to go to Harvard, maybe she shouldnt if she cant handle the pressure, she should leave. Now you can take your daughter home now and decide what it is you intend to do. However, another outburst from either of you will not be on the options list. Thank you for coming in. That will be all.
CUT TO HALLWAY
LORELAI: You got hit by a deer?
[Pan to outside]
LORELAI: You did! You got hit by a deer.
RORY: It just came out of nowhere.
LORELAI: You couldnt just run into a wall like other kids.
RORY: Can we just go home please.
LORELAI: Yeah, sure. Jump in.
CUT TO SOOKIE OUTSIDE OF LUCENT MILLS HOUSE
LUCENT: May I help you?
SOOKIE: Yes, hello [with her back to him] My name is Sookie St. James, Im
the chef at the Independence Inn.
LUCENT: I know who you are.
SOOKIE: You do? Well, Im flattered, you write about a lot of chefs -
LUCENT: What are you doing here?
SOOKIE: Right. Well I know that this is a terrible intrusion but - are you cooking?
LUCENT: Im making chicken.
SOOKIE: You used too much salt.
LUCENT: I did not
SOOKIE: Well it smells salty.
LUCENT: Im closing the door.
SOOKIE: No wait. I found out your address from my network of culinary friends -
LUCENT: Look, this is really inappropriate. I gave you a good review, I suggest you go home.
SOOKIE: I dont care about the review. I just - I want you to try this disk, with this wine [handing them to him still with her back turned] Ill wait.
CUT TO LORELAI AND RORY DRIVING HOME
LORELAI: Quite a day huh?
RORY: I dont wanna talk - please.
LORELAI: You know, I just think that we should talk about it.
RORY: Stop the car.
RORY: Here - stop here. [jumps out]
LORELAI: Youre just feeling like an impromptu nature walk?
RORY: I wanna see if its ok.
LORELAI: If whats ok?
RORY: The deer.
LORELAI: Sweetie youre never gonna find the deer.
RORY: Well Im gonna try.
LORELAI: Well Im in heels!
RORY: Well stay in the car.
LORELAI: Its dangerous in the car with all the kamikaze deer running around [getting out of car]
RORY: I have to find it.
LORELAI: Alright, wait up! So what does the deer look like? Huh? Does it have any distinguishing marks - besides the word Jeep imprinted on its forehead.
RORY: Its just a deer.
LORELAI: I had a nice chat with Headmaster Charleston today. He said you went ballistic in class.
RORY: I was just tired.
LORELAI: You wouldnt have been so tired if you hadnt been killing yourself all week.
RORY: I was studying, I didnt have a choice.
LORELAI: Well maybe you shouldnt be studying that hard.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Youre 16. You should get some sleep and eat a real meal and come up for air once in a while.
RORY: They kicked me out.
LORELAI: No, of course not. They love you. This is coming from me.
RORY: Are you saying I should quit?
LORELAI: Im saying, if you wanted to go back to your other school with Lane, that would be fine with me.
RORY: You dont think I can do it.
LORELAI: You know thats not true. I think you can do anything. But you dont lose it in class. Thats not part of the Rory personality description and if youre losing it in class because youre tired or stressed or working to hard, Im worried about that. I have to be.
RORY: I lost it once.
LORELAI: Ok, fine. Its just I cant remember, you know, a time when we werent talking about you going to Harvard. It was just a given, that what we were working for. Everything went in that direction.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: And Im forgetting where all that started.
RORY: What are you talking about?
LORELAI: Im talking about - did it start with me? Or did it start with you? Was it my dream that you go to Harvard.
RORY: Mom. [shaking her head]
LORELAI: Because I never got to do the big fancy college thing? Maybe all this time Im thinking its all for Rory, when really it wasnt.
RORY: Im not doing this because of you.
LORELAI: Because if you are, you dont have to.
RORY: I know that.
LORELAI: Ill still love you. Even if you cant support me in my old age in the fabulous manner to which I plan on growing accustomed.
RORY: Ill remember that generous gesture.
LORELAI: Thank you. I just want you to be happy.
RORY: I am.
LORELAI: No, I want you to be dancing through the woods crazy happy. And if Chilton and Harvard is not gonna do that for you, then forget about them.
RORY: I was just behind. I never caught up with all the reading. Thats why I got a D. I can catch up. I will catch up and when I do, everything will be fine.
RORY: You know Harvard is my dream. I want it more than anything, I swear
LORELAI: Yeah but -
RORY: I appreciate all that youre saying. I do. But Im not ready to give up on Chilton yet.
LORELAI: Fair enough.
RORY: I do however reserve the right to change my mind.
LORELAI: Thats your prerogative as long as you remain a woman.
RORY: Thanks though.
LORELAI: For what?
RORY: For yelling at the Headmaster the way you did.
LORELAI: Oh, I didnt yell at him.
RORY: You called him il duce
LORELAI: Which means kind sir in Cantonese.
RORY: Thank you.
LORELAI: Youre welcome. How much longer are we gonna look for this crazy deer?
RORY: Just a little further. I just hope he didnt hurt himself.
LORELAI: I just hope he has insurance.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
LORELAI: Go get that plaid skirt off and grab your books, were going to Lukes.
RORY: Dont you have to get back to work?
LORELAI: Ah, they can last a little while longer without me. Plus Michel gets so cute when he feels like hes been overworked. His ears puff out, his nostrils flare, big fun. Go.
RORY: Im gone.
[Phone rings, lets machine pick up]
LORELAI: [voice on answering machine] Its us, were not here. We have a life, get over it.
[Lorelai closes books in the living room as she listens to the message, then sits on the couch]
MAX: Hi this is a message for Rory. Its Max Medina calling. I just wanted to say that I talked to Headmaster Charleston or il duce as hes more affectionately know at the Gilmore household, and hes agreed to let you do some extra credit work to help make up for the missed test today. Now Im not sure what the extra credit work is yet, but it probably will be time consuming and extremely painful. It will however get you back up to where you rightfully belong Rory, dont lose heart. Make this work. And if youre mother is listening, Lorelai it was a pleasure encountering you. I hope it happens again. Anyways, see you in class. Bye.